Young Writers Society

In their abode
above the alpine crests,
cast in light shed by stars,
she mourns.

The sun is dead.

The earth below, who long since
saw its final swan,
____________sits
silent before her — a humble, hulking
hunk of rock — as she looks down,
darkness before her,
________behind her,
________beside her,
hiding her own death from sight.

This is a beautiful poem with great imagery. To me this poem make me think of hiding behind darkness. Although I'm not sure and frankly don't need to know why the girl is mourning I feel for her and can relate to the feeling. The overall sentiment was captured well. Write on--can't wait to read more of your work!

Kyllorac,

Absolutely loved, loved, loved this.

Now I apologize beforehand if my own interpretation may be a little off - but is this an apocalyptic tale told from the moon's point of view? O_o I realize that if I'm wrong, this review is just going to sound...loony :3

(Though I also get a second interpretation from this of loss and loneliness, so that's more likely?)

The sounds are beautiful. I'm not going to lie - the alliterations were well-placed. I love when a writer plays with words, I get a real sense of your enjoyment too. The breaks are also real interesting. Everything just fits together. Even the diction - somehow it just all belongs, I can't imagine how many revisions you went through to get it to seem so whole (or maybe you just have insane talent). My favorite line:

The earth below, who long since
saw its final swan,
____________sits
silent before her — a humble, hulking
hunk of rock

Now, I'm not going to lie. After the second stanza (assuming that single line is a stanza on its own) I am not a fan of the structure. Why is 'sits' isolated all on its own? The before her, beside her, behind her part - I can understand the break and appreciate it. The commas irritate me and the bs aren't perfectly aligned, that irritates me too.

Other than these tiny things, I really can't find anything wrong.

I need to read some more of your writing, don't I?

~ as always, Audy

Hey Kyll!

So. I don't know why Audy has to have posted before everything I'm doing, but I'm not even going to read her review, because... yeah.

So! This has a nice amount of emotion in it, a kind which seeps into the reader through the lines. It's a bit slow, the poem is short but probably could stand to be longer, or less repetitious? I can see how it would be about the moon looking down on Earth, one assume after some kind of apocalyptic disaster, with life removed from the surface. She considers this death of her beloved and wonders about her own. To lose a lover is to lose a part of yourself, etc. I could stand for this to be slightly more epic, a little longer a little more... involved? You use the alliteration well and the language mostly runs in your direction (There's something too flowery about your beginning which grinds at me, but I'm not sure what it is, if only because you have the occasional burst of word which is sweet and lovely in between sentences which are, justifiably, plain. It's uneven in this way, for me. I find that it means I read the poem awkwardly, halting at the brighter words and double checking them.

In the end I boil down to: The poem sounds lovely but lacks a level of empathy I might be looking for (possibly able to be ignored, because the moon is just a chunk of rock, even personified) and that I think it could stand to be longer, to help this out.

Any questions and you know where I am.
-Penguin.

Hey Kyllorac! Dogs here with your review today! I really loved this piece. So much imagery. You took on, in my opinion, the hardest style of writing poems and in a short poems which is also the hardest poetry to write. And you nailed it! It is short and you get a complex idea across to the reader flawlessly. This is amazing! Really great poem I absolutely adore alliteration! Keep up the good work!!!!


TuckEr EllsworTh

I love this poem so much, it kept me from the first word to the last word, my favorite line was

The sun is dead.

I don't know why, but I love this line.
Keep up the good writing.