Young Writers Society

She cuts herself to vent the pain,
alleviate the strain,
everydays the same.
When she gets tired of life,
her salvations the knife,
become it's slave, it's master and it's wife.

Though it's becoming hard to hide what she needs,
twenty-seven degrees,
and in long sleeves.
Resigned to the fact no-one understands,
these biological demands,
that prevents her making long-term plans.

There's a rush she gets from leaving scars,
like speeding cars,
after leaving bars.
But one day she knows she'll cut too deep,
forget bloods not cheap,
and fail to awaken from her sleep.

I like your style, thought I don't like the theme of the poem.

The rhyme system is good.

However some of the words don't seem to 'fit', in a way. I don't like the fact you used leaving twice in stanza 3 so soon after each other.

But otherwise, good.

But one day she knows she'll cut too deep,
forget bloods not cheap,
and fail to awaken from her sleep.

This part was especially beautiful. I think, however, that in the first spart instead of

"it's master and it's wife."

it should be

"it's master and his wife"

However, if this weren't what you were trying to mean, then keep it the other way. Just my little three cents.

Your rhyme scheme is good, its natural and doesn't seem forced. I think you have done a good job with this poem.

This was a myriad of one emotion. For me, this brought the gut-wrenching heart-breaking tear-jerking emotion of disgust. I absolutely loathe these types of poems. You know, the ones where it's all about me and how the world hates me and how I'm going to do something about it. Well, my only advice is that you get over yourself already. The world isn't fair, and you have to accept it. Onto the terrible construction of this poem.

The rhyme scheme did little for this poem. It flowed in certain parts, but at others you just totally added way too many syllables. My advice: get rid of it.

Grammatically, it's not "it's" it's "its." That tended to deregulate what little flow of the poem there was.

The lasting impact was not there. Failing to awaken from sleep is used in practically every suicide poem around. The last bit was not up to par with the rest of the poem. The middle stanza didn't fit nor was it confluent with the rest of the poem.

I would've gotten more from a Pacers/Pistons game; I mean, at least Artest knows how to go out with a bang and not a fragile little whimper.

this might be bisased but I don't especially like the rhyming for this type of poem. It sounds sort of cutesy, and this is about someone cutting themselves for fun, not about cute little elves prancing around a meadow. I do, however, have to agree with Cars and Guitars about the last three lines. They are pretty good...just the rhyming sounds kind of forced. Like you had to stretch a little bit, like you wanted to put something there, you just couldn't find something that rhymed. Poetry is not supposed to be forced! It should just come to you.

I thought the rhyme scheme worked well and the flow turned out pretty well. Good job for not sinking to the horrible cliche level.

Wow, I love youre style, by the way. Although I don't really know what the whole poem is about, it just kept telling actions that were happening, so I didn't really understand it. But it was a good read, and the rhyming was great.

Great story. Keep up the good work!

-- M.B.Author

I am sure the beating will be had soon enough....