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Young Writers Society


A Drop of Crimson



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25 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1622
Reviews: 25
Thu Nov 03, 2011 1:04 am
IamHathor22 says...



Crying? Me? Why it’s raining outside
A drop of water must’ve fall’n to my eyes.
Revenge I will have on his true love at last-
Kiss her goodbye ‘for I depart her for past.

“Hello sir” I greet him, this old potions master,
“What concoction have you for tonight’s gruesome disaster?”
The alley is dark, he pulls out a vial
“With this one,” he claims, “She’ll drop with a smile.”

“No, my dear friend, she’s got to feel pain,
Pain like no other that will make her insane.”
I felt the need to cause her last strife.
She took my one and only? I’ll take her life.

“Yes, say no more,” he says, “I quite understand.”
A small corked bottle appears in his hands.
His smile, so wicked; the liquid was green.
“She’ll be writhing on fire, and leave quite a scene.”

“Do you not understand when I say she must die?!
I plan to be rid of the tears that I cry!”
“But miss,” he says, “Lady, you says you don’t cry-
You says it was rain drops in your fine eyes!”
“SHUT UP! SHUT UP!” I shriek at his lies.
“SHUT UP! You idiot –just make sure she dies!”

He clears his throat loudly, “My mistake, miss.”
He whispers, “There better be good pay for all this.”
I watch all the bottles in the trunk he pulls out,
Each with a label, some tall and some stout.

“We’ll add surprise, for this fine lady’s demise”,
There comes a glitter, from in his snake eyes.
“A misfortune, they’ll think, some accident, some crime”
He mumbles and suddenly turns on a dime.

He grins a harsh smile and hands me a vial,
“Here y’are, I promise that it’ll be worth your while.”
Our business was done; I give him his pay,
My pockets were empty as we parted ways.

The bottle was hot and tiny in my hands,
Inside was a drop, like a grain of sand.
It was red as the blood, and bright as the sun,
To blind and paralyze our party of one.

At midnight I found them, strolling down a street
My lover, it burns to say, and his sweet.
Beside them, a bottle of red cabernet.
In silence I waited, as night turned to day.

By four, she was kissing, devouring his face,
Head spinning, I swayed, my heart began to race.
Sleeping and terror both tore at my eyes.
One fought for rest, the other for life.

Could I do this? I asked.
It was crime at the least,
Not to mention the blood,
the gore I would feast.

I’d be taking a life, one day for another
A sibling from sister, a child from mother.
How could I, in that alleyway, take a love for a crime?
But then I remember, heart beats, she took mine.

I snuck over soundlessly, they were scratching with claws
Quite drunken and stupid, to love without pause.
I sucked in a breath and poured the drop in
To their wine, and waited for my fun to begin.

Her eyes were too glassy, her hair was too blonde
She picked up the bottle and chugged to the dawn.
He watched her with craze, eyes alit with desire,
And she screamed, her insides burned in the fire.

Beginning to writhe, her face in a pinch,
body shivers with fever, down each inch by inch.
The sky is purple, red drips from her lips
She sways to the side and suddenly trips.

He catches, mid sway, and stumbles abound
Then, with a scream, throws her to hard the ground.
Her eyes are in gore, now can only she hear,
The iris’s stained red from the blood riddled tears.

She’s almost complete, she shudders grows pale,
Calms does her body and fade do her wails.
She now, is no more, gaze freeze deadly chill
The shriek on her face, forever grow still.

He sits there stunned, staring at her remains
I watch without sadness as he weeps for her pain.
I step out of hiding, touch gingerly his cheek
And kiss him with passion as I hadn’t for weeks.
I bend down, he watches, and pick up his clothes.
He catches them, looks at me, I know that he knows,
The deed I have done, the life I have taken,
A smile I turn, and indeed he is shaken.

I take him by the hand, the alley way is dark,
We make our way for home, a heart for a heart.
My day was complete, while others now begin,
I walk away, wondering, this wasn’t a sin.

It was revenge, reprise what was lost.
It matters not now, there is no moral cost.
I say, you’ve been warned, you know now for sure.
We leave her in the street forever, and ever more.
All I that know is that I know nothing
-Socrates


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28 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 2340
Reviews: 28
Thu Nov 03, 2011 1:12 am
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Seraph says...



Wow. This work of art just has me baffled! I enjoyed this miraculous piece from the beginning to the end! Your descrpitions are as perfect as they can get when in the poetic form. Also, the use of dialogue within a poem can sometimes turn out undesirable and unclear. However, you have conveyed practically a whole conversation in this! Not many people can do that and have their poem turn out as great as yours! I think that no matter what, you should continue writing!
However, you might want to revise some parts like this one:

The line, "Could I do this? I asked.", Should have quotes around the question, like this: "Could I do this?" I asked.

Other than that, you have submitted a work of art!
"At this very instant, I augment the spacetime that permeates and weaves our beings."
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 1018
Reviews: 2
Thu Nov 03, 2011 8:52 pm
Delicacy says...



just amazing, i'm speechless, my heart was really pounding while reading it, i couldn't move my eyes away, the stanzas sequence is remarkably brilliant grabbing the reader's attention by force to follow and know what's next..... it's really a piece of art..... keep up the good work :) but please, a special request, (try to make less the dripping of blood) :)
  





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66 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 3055
Reviews: 66
Fri Nov 04, 2011 4:20 pm
Angelreader77 says...



This is just ... whoa. Amazing. Absolutely amazing. This is the best thing I've ever read. :D *Reads poem again*

Nitpicks-
IamHathor22 wrote:I felt the need to cause her last strife.
She took my one and only? I’ll take her life.

I think it would be better as a comma.
And I just noticed that at times you put a full stop before ending a quote and other times you don't. Full stops are a must. :P
Apart from these tiny mistakes-
The story was amazing,the rhythm of the wonderful, flow of words good and rhyming outstanding!
I have fallen in love with this poem. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
I have never read anything so amazing. Ever. :D
I hope this was helpful~~~
KEEP WRITING!
PS - I love the poem xD
"The cure for anything is salt water- sweat, tears or the sea." --Isaac Dinesen
  





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Gender: Male
Points: 1255
Reviews: 14
Thu Nov 17, 2011 6:25 pm
Rafe14 says...



Really nice!!! This poem had me in a trance and i couldnt turn away. You inserted the dialogue in this poem excellently. Well done and really well written.

Keep writing like this!
  








I am proud of my self, the reason why some of you might disagree with me a little with, but nevertheless I still proud.
— Oxara