Young Writers Society

The glorious resolve-
The heart cried for a soul
but there is no one to hear it's cry.
The glorious flag stands true,
And no more can we be deaf to it's cry.
Charge my valiant vessels !
Darkness befalls at it's most height before every dawn
And when dawn breaks, It is pure and holy as every dawn
Charge my valiant vessels !
It is your time to rise,
It's our turn to rise
This is our day,
rise and fight to
live the way we were
Charge my valiant vessels !
Today we will fight for ourselves,
Our lives, Our families and freedom.
Charge my valiant vessels !
The enemy is strong,
The battle may stretch long,
But be not intimidated by them.
For you fight for what is right !
And the truth cannot face demise
Charge my valiant vessels !
Fight to the dying breath
And lose not hope to the end !
Charge my valiant vessels !
Charge and fight so that at the end of the day
There can be none who can call us cowards
Cowards who did not fight and lost hope
Cowards who let traitors win
Charge my valiant vessels !
And fight to the end of the day.

Hey Zaid! Dogs here with your review today! Great poem you have! I really like it because of the strong imagery and that imagery is more so in the voice of the unknown speaker which is defnietly why i like it so much. What i get from this is that there is someone giving a motivational speech urging on a revoltuion and I love that! I really enjoy poems told from in the moment, telling a story. Partially because they are so difficult to write and still make it sound exceptinally good. Anyways this is a great motivational speech with great description and great well things that would make a crowd of people want to revolt against the "regime" so to speak. Just curious is there a specific revolution that the idea for this sparked from or is it just a speech you came up with?

I think this piece defnietly stands out from lots of your other poetry because it is so unique and different and holds so much more description. And for that I "like" this piece because you have made a large step forward from your usual poetry. Props to you! Because I really don't have much of anything to talk about your actual writing so lets talk grammatical!!!!

I assume that most of your grammer things here you meant to do for a reason. like when you say:

"Charge my valiant vessels !"

Just out of curiosity why did you put a space between vessels and the "!"? also, in between the lines before "Chare my Valiant vessels" You need to have a piriod. That i think is necessary because it keeps the strong rhythm you have going still going.

Finally a few poetry points i want to point out. at the end of the 3rd line and 5th line you use "cry" twice. That also slightly throws off the rhythm. I suggest that you replace it with a synonm such as scream or something. On a actually writing point of view, this could possibly take away from the speech type of feel, but you could add in some more physicalities such as what his or her voice sounds like. Is it deep? Does it slice through the air? Does it fall like a plague on a hungry crowd? That would add more depth to your poem in my opinion but on the other hand it would take away from the speech sort of thing and turn it into more dialogue.

Anyways thats all I have to say Keep up the good work!!!!


TuckEr Ellsworth

The heart cried for a soul
but there is no one to hear its cry.

You've got a couple of tense shifts throughout this, and these two lines are a good example. "Cried" is past, but "is" is present, so what we have is a sound in the past that no one now can hear. Changing both to past (cried/was) or present (cries/is) would help make the crying and the hearing match up in when they occur.

Also, the easiest way to remember the difference between "it's" and "its" is that the apostrophe means a contraction. "It's" means "it is" just like "don't" means "do not". If sticking in "it is" doesn't make sense where you've put an "it's", then you should be using "its".

One curious thing that really caught my eye was the space before each exclamation point. It makes the exclamation point really stand out, which isn't necessarily bad, except it separates it from the rest of the line/thought. As a result, "Charge my valiant vessels !" reads more like "Charge my valiant vessels punctuation". It's a bit distracting.

Lastly, repetition is very useful, but I found that you used a little too much of it, especially of the line "Charge my valiant vessels !" Too much repetition can bore or annoy your readers since they've already seen it before, multiple times before, and have become tired of it. Try cutting out some of the repetitions and seeing if you could perhaps be a bit more creative in your repetitions (like repeating only half the words in one line, or maybe even changing the order/punctuation of the words in the repeated line, etc.).