Young Writers Society

The skies were scarlet entwined with black,
Celestially illumined by a rising sun.
The whispers of phantoms blew with the wind
O’er the crashing waves of the blue ocean beneath and,
Swept through the palm trees moving them,
Bending them gently.

On the shores stood a man, alone, gazing out
At the horizon. His hair blowing over his face,
His palms perspiring. He held a lighter. Flicking it’s
Cap open and close. Though no flame came of it
In presence of the wind.

Till the hour came when the last bit of the sun
Shed its light over the ocean and sky.
In that hour the ocean grew calm.
The waves no longer crashed and the water
Became still. Like a sheet of glass with,
Occasional ripples.
The wind seized to blow, the ghostly whispers disappeared,
The trees no longer swayed
And the man’s lighter bore a tall flame.

All was silent. All was still. Except for the heavy
Breaths the man took. Inhaling. Exhaling.

The tip of the sun soon disappeared, leaving the realm
At the mercy of the moon. Vaguely illumined.

At the point, the pinnacle, where the silence grew deafening,
The wind blew against the man’s back with much force
Sending him toppling onto the sand. Severing the tranquility
With a mighty howl, as the surrounding palm trees snapped in half.

Thunder crashed and the ocean rose. Every drop ascended.
Then congregated into a women. Completely composed of
The ocean the man saw no flesh, just whirling water
As her dress and whirling water as her face.
Her eyes opened, and gazed down upon the man.
He gazed back. With all his strength struggling to stand.
Into her immense eyes that, very well could have been
Inhabited by entire aquatic populations.

“Be still oh Wind, allow the man to rise.” She said.
And it came to pass. Just as she commanded.

The man rose to his feet in great pain,
Then quickly claimed back his composure.

“Come into me” she said. “Or suffer death at the hand of my wrath”

“Why.” He exhaled.

At the sound of his voice the whirling water that composed the women,
Grew still. She grew clear. And he could see into her.
There were corpses there. Cadavers of men. Drifting around
In thousands. Asleep.

“Come into me” she sniggered. “And experience eternal serenity.”

“You are the serpent the righteous warned me of.
You are the evil I was taught to avoid.
What fool would ignore his teachings,
Submit to his lust and yield before his fears!” He said.

“I am no serpent!” She spewed. “I am Eve on the opposite end of her timeline.
How dare you call me a serpent. How dare you call me by
The very creature’s name I detest.”

The man grinned and flicked open his lighter. He ran his finger tips
Over the flame.

“How dare I you ask. Allow me to enlighten you.”

The women’s eyes grew wider and her mouth gaped.
Before she could disperse back into the ocean,
A serpent composed only of fire rammed into her mouth
And pressed on through her mammoth body with
Immeasurable force. When with a great burst she was no more.

Vapor filled the air and the ocean vanquished.
The multitudes rose from their slumber
And, looked upon the man. Illumined
By his flame, the passion burning in his eyes.
He dropped his lighter to the ground and,
Walked into the distance, till they could no longer see him.

Till there came a day when the vapor condensed,
And the sniggers of Babylon sounded, again.

I love this poem, it tells a nice story, I love it all so I couldn't tell you which was my favorite part.

Keep up the good work.

Just simply amazing, its just memorizing.
I was utterly entranced by your work, It has such a smooth and sensual flow.

Keep up the good work.

Hey Abyss! Dogs here with your review today! This is a great poem, so much strong imagery and I really love the story it tells and how you have incorporated that into a poem, so props to you on that. I did pick up, however, a few possible grammar errors and some awkward lines. Just small nit picks.

Anyways the first stanza is absolutely fantastic, I love it! However in the 4th and 5th line of the second stanza when you say:

"Cap open and close. Though no flame came of it
In the presence of the wind"

This line is awkward if you are basically trying to say that the wind blew out the fire. Also the "though" in the 4th line is very out of place and throws off the rhythm, and the rhythm is key in this style of poetry. I would suggest you something more like:

cap open and close. But the flame was diminished
in the presence of the wind.

Personally that sounds and looks better. Personally, I'm not a huge fan of having capitals at the beginning of every sentence but, of course, it is up to you. Now in the 7th line in the 3rd stanza I suggest you break up the:

"The wind seized to blow, the ghostly whispers disappeared,"

This is a great line but with how you have set up the next lines the entire stanza would sound so much better if you just do:

The wind seized to blow,
the ghostly whispers disappeared,
the trees no longer swayed,
and the man's lighter bore a tall flame.

This gives the poem much more rhythm and a sense of pace to it. Now the 5th stanza... I absolutely love it perfect. Now this line is odd in the end of the first line of the 7th stanza:

"Thunder crashed and the ocean rose. Every drop ascended"

The "every drop ascended" is so awkwardly worded and again throws off the rhythm. I would suggest re-wording or just using something better then "ascended" although it is a great word just not in this sentence. now in the 4th line of the same stanza:

"As her dress and whirling water as her face"

Oh wait what.... I understand what you are saying but when you look at this line again it makes no sense grammatically, you need to say something like:

With whirling water for her dress and face. Or: Whirling water as her dress and face.

Now all and all this is a good story, but now looking at this from a story point of view rather then the poetry view as I have already corrected. Where is the plot line in this? Where is the suspense? Where is the deeper idea in here, if you are going to tell a story you should have a deeper theme. Typically in story poetry the beauty in it is how you tell it in poem form with more description and imagery and how well you convey the deeper meaning idea. You did the imagery and description well but lack good plot line and deeper meaning.

On a plot line note... So some weird water thing comes up and tells him to walk into me and experience serinity. A little rushing on the plot line but, as you compared her, she is a serpent as she was compared to in the story. Therefore she needs to be more mischievous and have more trickery not just, "walk into me" for total calmness. it is rather anti-climatic.
And he just throws some fire at her and she is vanquished. Intense but un realistic and this great poem turns into a cheesy action story with cheesy puns and lines.

Thats all I really have to say. Keep up the good work!!!!



T

Abyss, you amaze me. Everything you write is so poetic and...beautiful! I loved this so much!

This bit here:

The wind seized to blow, the ghostly whispers disappeared,
The trees no longer swayed
And the man’s lighter bore a tall flame.

Was eerie, spooky but comforting at the same time. I loved it.

Keep up the good work!

NightWriter x