1. 'It's the tears most childish that seem to seep...'
2. 'Childish tears seem to seep...'
3. 'Those tears most childishly cried seep...'
The problem is, none of these actually convey what I want. It feels more like they've been through a translator. What I'm looking for is the sentiment of crying over something very juvenile or immature- not that it is a child crying, but that it is an adult being childish in their emotions.
It's a really important point to the poem and I'm having a lot of difficulty finishing without being able to get that right, because the rest kind of hangs around it and well... at the moment it just kind of juts out awkwardly because I can't get the sentiment right XD
I don't mind switching words out or around. There needs to be some aspect of seeping or trickling, and of crying, but the tears themselves don't actually have to be there. In fact if I can get rid of them I'd love to do that, I don't like the imagery it creates.
Any tips or advice on what direction I could go in? Or maybe any other works that I could use as a reference?
Thanks!
Oh, and I've enspoilered the rest of the poem below for the purpose of context, but it's still very much a work in progress so no critique please =] Unless it's relevant to that line/sentiment.
Spoiler! :
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