Young Writers Society

This started off as a very short story back on TYWC, and I have had it for a long time. It's rather undeveloped and needs a lot of work (it's about 16,000 words), but I haven't shown anyone this yet for constructive criticism, so anything you can tell me will be helpful. In return, I will give as many points as I can afford, and critique anything you want.

The story is about a man who is having problems with a girlfriend he feels he can't trust, and expenses he can't pay, until one day a friend gives him an offer he can't refuse. Rated R for strong language and violence.

Hey, Matt!

I don't think I've ever critiqued anything of yours before, so this should be fun. ^_^ I'll download in a little while and should get some comments back to you pretty soon-I absolutely adore critiquing novels, even if it does take me a long time to get around to it. -_- If you feel it's been a long time and I haven't sent you comments, feel free to poke me. I'm quite the procrastinator.

Anyway, see you around!

Yay!

Another novel for me to critique when I get my laptop back! Hope this forum sticks around long enough....

Really, though. Can't wait to read it!

So much for advanced critiques... I read over nine pages (so far!) and instead of giving a critique, I'll just ask questions.

1. Did she leave it in the trash can/bin on purpose? If I were her, I would probably hide it or do something else with it so that he doesn't see it. So she's either really stupid or kind of a bitch.

2. Why is he still hitting on her even though she's five years his senior? One would think he would lay off. Or maybe I missed something.

3. When Tom's in front of them, is their conversation (between Jimmy and Mark) staged? Why would Mark say such things, in front of Tom, so readily? Or did I miss something and Tom was away when that conversation happened?

4. Why would Mark confide into Jimmy so easily when it appears that they haven't contacted each other for years? Doesn't he think things might have changed?

5. Why does Mark reveal that he killed a man? Is he serious or is he just trying to brag? At the moment, it sounds like he's just trying to brag, because if he were really a killer at some point, then I would think that he would consider killing Tom. And he only thinks about that when Jimmy is around. A little too staged, if you ask me.

6. Why does Jimmy tell Mark about the hitman job so quickly? As it is, it looks like he's setting him up. Maybe he's an undercover cop working for this? But he seems to believe Mark a little bit too easily, so I'm guessing it's a set up.

7. Mark thinks that Lydia will be jealous. But she isn't jealous. In fact, her emotions are slightly flat. Is she jealous or is there something else going on? Why does she give up so easily?

8. When Mark tells Lydia that this is for their future children, I expected Lydia to have some sort of reaction to these words. But she didn't. Perhaps she's staging something for Mark?

As it is now, it looks like a huge set up or conspiracy against Mark. But who knows!

I shall read more later. At the moment, I'm on part 5.

I have this downloaded to my computer, Matt and I may get to reading it this afternoon. If not, I'll get to it next weekend.

So, I found some time a little earlier than I expected to.

I read the whole thing this afternoon and commented as I went. If you have any questions about my comments, feel free to ask. I hope this helps!

My edit is in the attatchment.

I have to run, so I'll make this quick.

So, a note about the ending:

Her husband is turning into a hit man. Isn't it a bit thick of her to go and hide out in a place where there is nobody? He was angry, he was crazy. Why didn't she find other people? Seek protection? Go to Tom? There are so many more options, better options, that she could have taken. She seems smart, doesn't seem like the sort of girl who's dumb enough to do what she did - it goes against the character development you've been setting up from the beginning.

Also, it was pretty obvious that she was going to be killed by him. I wasn't expecting the knife through the mouth - which sort of creeped me out - but it was absolutely certain in my mind that he was going to kill her from less than halfway through.

Peace, love, chocolate,
Muffin

Hey I downloaded your story and will get back to you soon!

SO... F******... SUSPENSEFUL. I could not tear my eyes away.
The style you wrote in made the story easy and simple to read, therefore not confusing in the least. You made us very informed about what Mark was thinking and what he intended to do.. very nice.
I gasped when he killed Lydia. I sat up straight as I was like, "OMFG!!! NO!! She was a bitch but she was cool!!!"
Great job, all in all. A few grammatical errors here and there, but I enjoyed it a lot.

At the end I noticed that a 'sparkle' was a knife?
Cute.

Well, it was less grammar than I expected to do. Some things, though, stood out and I suppose they are just continental differences. For example, when you listed something, it was listed as:

Milk, eggs, butter and chocolate

As I have been taught, and I have read (with the exception of older classics), it is written:

Milk, eggs, butter, and chocolate

Also, when you had a - in a sentence and it wasn't connecting two words, you tended to not put a space behind it like:

I knew two things about him, that his name was Mr. Frank Gadsby-Frankie to friends-and he had an infectious laugh I couldn't ignore.

Again, as I have read and been taught, there is a space directly following it, and it should read:

I knew two things about him, that his name was Mr. Frank Gadsby- Frankie to friends- and he had an infectious laugh I couldn't ignore.

Snoink- you have to remember, he was quite drunk when he was talking to Jimmy for the first time in the story.

this was intense and...very...violent. 0.0
well written but not my particular type. Violent man, this mark. well done job, kudos to you!

My edit didn't go through so I am going to try to PM it to you if that's all right?

*nevermind, it did go through, I just couldnt see it! No worries!

Amazing

well, i can certainly relate to wanting to kill loved ones once in a while

not bad, but not really my style. i found it kind of dry at places, and a tad confusing at the beginning, but at least that cleared up.

This started out real well. It in fact reminds me a lot of my first real novel, Rosko, which I wrote last year. Very similar characters. Dysfunctional protagonist. It's an admirable story so far. But the one thing I think should be fixed is the fact that Mark told Lydia that he was thinking about Jimmy's offer in the first place. It felt slightly unrealistic to me. Maybe you could put it in words that won't give away what he was thinking exactly, or something like that. And Lydia would not have hesitated to call the cops right away if she has learned her lover was going to kill someone. Maybe I'm wrong, but that just seems unrealistic to me.

Otherwise, the story works out quite well. Reminds me of No Country For Old Men, for some strange reason that I can't figure out.

And one last thing; you might want to consider double spacing your work so that it is much easier for others to critique...