The Watcher

*takes a deep breath…*

Okay… it took me an age and a half, but I’m finally done making edits on The Watcher! All the specific stuff is in the actual attached file, but I’m gonna talk about my general, non-specific opinions here. I am, however, going to put them under a spoiler tag, so they don’t ruin the story for anyone else. ^_^
[spoiler]
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Okay, let’s get started! I’m going to start with overall, general notes, and then I’ll talk about my impressions of individual characters.
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Let’s start on a good note, shall we? Here are the positives:
One, quite simply: I loved this story. It was well-written, interesting, and above all: enjoyable. Half the time, I forgot I was reading to edit. It was just… a really good story, and I enjoyed it immensely.

Secondly, your descriptions are really… beautiful is the only word I can think of to use. You did a brilliant job of helping us picture the world of the story, I was really impressed. In fact, your prose and general voice were both really great.

Thirdly, your magic system is one of the most original I’ve seen. Most magic systems in fantasy (including, I’m sad to admit, my own XD) are just generic energy-exchange type things, I like all the details you built in to yours.

Fourthly, your characters. Oh my God, your characters. Win. Just… pure win. I’ve got the whole bit on characters down there to rant on them, so for now I’ll just say this: your protagonists were quite likable, and your antagonists were all interesting and suitably creepy. Just.. too much awesome for words.

Fifthly, you made jokes that were actually funny. Being the sort of person who refuses to read a book with no sense of humor, I appreciate this on huge levels.

Sixthly, (is that even a word?) your first two chapters were an excellent hook into the story.

So, in summary, I thought this book was full of pure win and awesome, and I’ll tell you right now: I’d buy it. Absolutely.

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Now, some things I think you might want to look at, edit, or be careful of:

One, you need to keep an eye on grammar. Most of the edits I did involved adding commas, which were in quite short supply in the rough draft. Try reading the narration out loud, that helps you figure out where to put punctuation, by where the pauses are. Also, keep in mind that most of the phrasing suggestions I made are just suggestions, if you don’t think they work, feel free to ignore them or rewrite them your own way.

Secondly, although your description is beautiful, I felt like there was a bit too much of it sometimes. Especially in the earlier part of the book, when I got tired of all the detailed descriptions of precisely what Addy was wearing. Sure, it was lovely description, but it was also a bit tedious. You don’t necessarily have to get rid of those scenes, but I think you could shrink them a little: unless you’re using color symbolism or something, I don’t see how much of it was plot-relevant.

Thirdly, “said” is your friend. Don’t fear it. Trying to come up with replacement words for “said” just causes trouble in the long run: sentences sound odd. This article viewarticlebody.php?t=19450 by Snoink pretty much sums it up, I think. The same goes for adverbs, which you have a few too many of. Basically, just keep in mind that you don’t need to replace “said” all or even most of the time. “Asked” isn’t bad at all, but “challenged” is really a stretch.

Fourth: A short one: I think it would be a good idea to use italics for thoughts or emphasis. It helps the reader hear the sentence right and separates thoughts from narration.

Fifth: What sort of time period is this supposed to be set in? I got confused. The transportation, housing, and all that seemed to be medieval, but then the people understood germ theory and the theory of evolution, and had kerosene, which as far as I know, wasn’t popular until the 1800s. Those didn’t really bug me, but the walkie-talkies near the end kinda killed my suspension of disbelief. I mean, I know it’s fantasy, but walkie-talkies? They just seemed… out of place, I guess. Perhaps if you came up with a magical explanation of some of this stuff?

I agree with an earlier reviewer that the marriage isn’t the brightest move, politically. I get that Queen Vicky is trying to get rid of her stepdaughter, but it still might be smarter to marry her off to a kingdom that had money and power, therefore getting rid of her and forging a powerful alliance. If you really want Marquit to be a poor kingdom, you should probably come up with a reason why she wouldn’t want (or can’t get) rich and powerful allies.

You might also want to keep an eye on your climate and seasons: First it was snowing, and then it was hot and sunny, and then it was warm enough to go swimming in a creek, and then at the end it was early spring? That was a bit confusing.

Also, even though your opening chapters were a brilliant start and a great hook, I felt like there was a big slump during the whole magic-training arc, where I started to get a little bored and impatient for stuff to happen. I think adding a bit more foreshadowing would help… perhaps some close calls with Lena’s spying?

Okay, almost done. This is sort of a minor thing, but you should probably watch your invented words a bit more carefully. Is the singular of “pixries” “pixrie” or “pixran”? Also, are “Watcher” and “White Witch” supposed to be capitalized, or not?

Finally, I felt like the Epilogue was a little… weird. I mean, it was really sweet and poignant and all that, but I don’t get why it happened. I think you might have forgotten to explain why Addy would have to go up to the sky? Not to mention how Anne, with no political experience, would be able to lead a kingdom that’s currently dealing with the aftermath of being governed by cruel tyrant… seems like an awful lot of pressure to put on the poor girl, especially since I can’t figure out why.

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And now… character impressions! These are kinda low on substance, because they’re mostly filled with me fangirling over how awesome your characters were. XD So you’re warned:

Adelaide
Yay protagonists! It was really great seeing how well her character developed over the course of the story, and she was very likable. The bond between her and Anne was very believable, one could easily see how close they were. If I had one complaint about her, it’s that she seems a little lacking in the flaw department. I couldn’t really find many faults in her at all, which can be a tad unrealistic. Still, overall, an excellent character.

Anne
Anne was pretty awesome too, a character I could definitely feel for and identify with. The whole time she was possessed by Scarlet, I really and truly felt worried for her. Once again, her friendship with Addy was really believable and real. Also, I thought she was just adorable. One question though? Lena/Scarlet said she was easy to posses because she had self-esteem problems, but I didn’t really notice these in the actual context of the story. Perhaps you could show us this a little more?

The White Witch
Pretty typical mentor character, but well-handled all the same. She was quirky and likable, and I just love her possessed house. Critical mirrors. XD I also really enjoyed her training sequences with Adelaide. Training sequences are kinda tough to do well, (I know I struggle with them, but then again, I struggle with everything. XD) but you handled them perfectly. I thought all the magical training seemed very logical and it all pretty much made sense.

Queen Vicky (Yes, do insist on calling her "Vicky" : D)
You know, I didn’t think of much of her as a villain at first. I thought she was just another evil stepmother character, necessary to the plot, well done enough, nothing to write home about. Then, as usual, you totally ran over my expectations. The bit between her and Lena showing us just who’s in control was pretty impressive, and her last line at the end of the book. “You of all people should remember, Adelaide, that I wear my heart up my sleeve.” Can we say “best fantasy villain line in the history of fantasy villains?” It still gives me goosebumps.

Leda
Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Let’s put it this way: I might just have to draw you fanart now. She was by far one of the best villains I’ve seen in a long time, she gave me chills ever since she first showed up. You really nailed her intro scene in the dungeon, just the right amount of creepy. I think I might just like her so much because she reminds me a bit of one of my own antagonists, but whatever. She was still brilliant. I did predict that she was Scarlet Destiny just about as soon as I learned that Scarlet was a sentient being, but in a good way. It made me want to keep reading even more, just to find out if I was right. XD So great job.

Jacob
Wow, as well. You know, the whole time I was reading, I thought he was sorta cliché and boring, I didn’t think much of him at all. But when he turned traitor near the end, it pretty much crushed the boring cliché, and left me gaping at the page like: “Wow. He did not just…. Wow.” So in other words, great job, great character, and congratulations on completely bucking my cynical expectations.

[/spoiler]

So in conclusion, great characters, including the best antagonists ever, original world, engaging plot (Though the first three and last three chapters stood out the most). I’d say this one’s a winner. Happy editing, and good luck! Feel free to PM, email, whatever if you have any questions or want me to clarify something.

… Now I suppose I ought to edit my own story. >_> <_< Eheheh… it hasn’t been that long since I worked on it! Honest! : D

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