Young Writers Society

I've just got the first two chapters edited with a girl from fictionpress so there should (hopefully) be no grammar or spelling errors... what I really need help with is just story and continuity, characters - that sort of thing. I love this story and I want to make it good, but I'm so aware it's not perfect.

I would have just posted the first chapter, but it fell just short of 5000 words...

I would say this is almost a sci-fi story, or at least it does have sci-fi elements but mostly it's all character based and it'll lead on to a sort of investigation thing. I do have a general idea where I want this to go.

This is a short summary I wrote for FP anyway =]

So far, this story is centred on Lan, a man deep in debt and confusion, he has lost his wife and is living in a kind of dream world, hardly remembering who he is any more. He lives in the city, after a war that has affected him in a way he isn't sure about, trapped inside by a high wall. Then an old friend returns to him, the rebellious, mysterious and self-destructive Dreyan, who turns him upside down, forces him to remember who he is and join in a fight against what seems to him to be the rest of the sane world. Together, they try to discover the connection between two missing kids, a murder and a strangely closed off laboratory outside of the city.

I'd love some detailed responses to this! And PLEASE tell me something you'd like to to review in return because I want to pay anyone who reads all this back for being so nice ^__^

Anyway, I'll stop rambling now! Oh, there is some bad language and violence (or the aftermath of violence).

downloading now...I'll get back to you when I can.

Well, the story is fascinating...and Dreyan and Lan are great as characters. I especiall like Dreyan for some reason; he reminds me of my brother.

I can't really say there was much I could find to critique; there weren't any real grammar issues that I saw, and there wasn't any gradual flaws I could pick out. I'm sorry if this isn't much of a help to you at all. I'm vastly impressed with your ability to tell a story, and I'm eager to see the next installment in the tale.

Krupp

Wow thanks so much =] I don't mind that there's not much you can say, it's great to hear you liked my story. I'll have the third bit up when I finish it and have it checked!

I'm glad you like Dreyan, cus I like him as well. He's been sitting in my head for years before I got him on paper.

Just downloaded this and began reading--definitely caught my interest =D I'll definitely go through it and give you a review with the track-changes function unless you're one of those who hate that thing with a fiery passion, but it shall have to wait until tomorrow =P and don't get me wrong--the one and only reason why I'm not doing it right this minute is because I realized my eyes were starting to hurt as I read, and when changing the font to a more comfortable one didn't help I glanced at the clock and realized... it's kind of... 2:30 am.... but I wanted to let you know anyways! XD So look for a review on this from me within twenty-four hours of the time of this post, and if it doesn't seem to be showing, pm me and tell me to get my lazy, ADD @$$ into gear
ta for now!

Lovey! You should have PMed me when you posted this. You know I'll review anything of yours, you're one of my besties on here. *hugs* ^_^

I'll split my review up into chapters. I'll attach my document of sentence nitpicks onto this post - if you can't download it because you don't have this version of MO, just tell me. ^^

Chapter One

Darling, I love your imagery here and your portrayal of Riy's emotions. It's all just written beautifully. The paragraphs are a bit long, but they're not terribly long, and I'm thinking the formatting might have skewered when I downloaded it and adjusted the font size. Either way, perhaps a few splitting up of some paragraphs, nothing drastic.

You're transition from Lan's memories of Dreyan to the present meeting are rather poor - I got a little lost for a second. You need to make it more noticeable that there is a time shift before and after that break.

Okay done with the first chapter. The one helping hand tip that I can suggest is shorten your paragraphs, and even some of your sentences. It gets very rambly in certain parts. Which is a shame, because this is all written so amazingly - the words themselves are brilliant. You just need to format them in a way that's a little easier for the reader.

You have some amazing descriptions in this chapter though, and I'm especially adoring your character descriptions. What great characterization! I love Dreyan and Lan!

Chapter Two

The beginning of this chapter is a bit muddled. I wasn't clear what had happened until I reread it. I think this relates to that paragraph being so long and me drowning in so many words - just a little reformatting there would help.

Okay! I love, love, loved this! I love the characters, and that whole remembering concept you've got going on. I suppose I'd like to know about the world around them - right now my knowledge is limited to the character's world. I get that this is the future. Some organization... corruption... when it comes to the grand scheme of things, I'm a little lost. You need to clarify what's going on at a bigger scale in your story. Like exactly what Dreyan and Lan are going up against. Don't muddle around or try to be fuzzy - always make the antagonist clear.

You pretty much have greatwowawesomelove imagery. You're a natural writer, Lovey!

PM me with any questions, or if you can't download the attachment.

~ Clo

Thanks so much Clo =] I agree definately about the sentences and the paragraphs, I am totally wordy in this one. I think it was the frame of mind I was in when I wrote it - you know how you get so attached to it it all just ends up this big stream of images from your head and it's not easy for another person to read at all. I think it might actually become less like that as it goes on.

So what you said is very valuable! Thanks so much! I'll see what I can do about making it better ^___^

So.... hi!! I'm sorry about the ridiculous long delay, but my friend showed up unexpectedly at my house and dragged me off to see her new apartment, and I wasn't able to work on it much until I got home today. But I finished XD and now I am here with my nitpicks all the way through and the comments at the end. It may look like a lot, but it truly isn't--I often end up picking out so much that the comment bubbles and deletions overlap each other and get squished down really tiny. So kudos to you! I loved this (as you will see) and seriously your writing style and descriptions reminded me of my own at times, so that was fun haha and you will notice I never tell you to shorten your sentences, because I am the queen of long sentences--all perfectly punctuated, I swear! >.>
lol anyways... here you go XD
ta!

Thanks so much sword dance =D that's really ridiculously helpful, my punctuation isn't my strongest point that's for sure. I'm glad you liked it ^___^ and all those corrections you made will help me a lot. There's nothing I like more than a story full of comments that I need to deal with ^^' seriously.