Young Writers Society

Okay, I'm not sure if some of you have seen my Poisoned Roses story posted in Romantic Fiction, but that's where it has been.

Now, however, since I'm trying to get more serious about my writing, I need some real honest opinions. I have been seriously considering even abandoning this idea. So please, give me the harshest (or the nicest whichever you prefer) that you can give

Thanks!

Summary

This is the tale of a young female vampire apart of a clan who doesn't follow normal vampire tradition and feeds only on animals. Her name is Sophia Martin and on her first day back from a Winter Break, she meets a young male human named Isaac Ligaroti. He is instantly interested in Sophia. No, not because of her beauty (she is not one of the Blessed) but because there is something about her, some mystery surrounding her that he wishes to solve.

This is their love story.

WARNING! I have decided to do a complete rewrite of this story so please, do not critique! I don't want you guys to waste your time when I'm not going to be going back to this. I should be posting the rewrite of it shortly. Thank you

Hey. I saw this and decided to give it my best review. Hopefully, you find it helpful and if you need more clarifying on what I meant, don't be afraid to PM me.

It was an excelent read and you should continue it.

Nariel

Well seeing as though I had read this the once before, I only can say that it gets better when you read it a second time. Also, your new idea would fit perfectly into this, especially since Sophia was worried about going to school and being so close to humans. And then in the prologue where she's fighting with herself not to hurt Isaac. So I am officially for the new idea. I don't know how to upload that little box thingy but I also didn't find anything wrong.

Oh wait there was a couple of times when you used is and I think it should be was.

And with that, he is off, bounding into the surrounding trees.

This is in the last paragraph. 'And with that, he was off, bounding into the surrounding trees.'

Just watch out for your tenses and you'll be okay.

Again, a great read.

~Angel

Hmph. I'm still mad about this. Do you realize how much sweat and blood I poured into the manuscript you gave me? Hmph. A complete rewrite. Those are 15 HOURS OF MY LIFE I'LL NEVER GET BACK!

Just kidding, Ash. I'm not that upset. Hope you like your rewrite better. If or when you finish it, print it out and I'll be sure to edit... JUST AS SO LONG YOU DON'T THROW THAT ONE AWAY TOO!

KJ

Hi there, Ashleylee!

I’d firstly liked to say that you’ve done a great job with this. When you’re writing a vampire story, it’s easy to fall into the trap of mimicking Twilight, but you’ve made this completely you own. Your description is brilliant and beautifully controlled all the way through the piece, and I really must commend you on that. There’s some lovely details here and you always paint a vivid picture in the reader’s imagination of the surroundings and characters and how they interact within the events you are creating in the story.

I think what you need to work on now is developing the love interest. So far, he’s a bit of the female Mary-Sue – adorable, handsome, charming. I know that as writers, in the male love interest, we like to paint our dream lover-boy because writing is a way of escaping into a new identity. That is perfectly okay, but since you are such a brilliant writer this could be so much more if you just worked on his character development. With the main character, however, her character’s coming along better and better, the reader is starting to understand her motives for her actions and empathizes with her.

Kudos! *hands out cookies*

Okay i saw the little note not to crit but i thought i should alert you to the grammar/spelling mistakes and your major telling bits, when really, there should be less and more dialogue.

Dialogue is fairly decent. Characters fairly well developed.

I love the idea, really i do, and you execute it brilliantly. Why you would want to rewrite i have noooo idea!

But ah well, good luck with the re write. Maybe you should remove the links so people do not crit?

And i failed to add, and i do agree with CastlesInTheSky...

You have executed the story brilliantly. Throughout all the chapters there is nothing with Twilight, but you have owned this! Chapter one is a wonderful opening and you have a clear plot development. I commend you myself for having the wit and talent to continue so far into this without breaking your stride.

It is a huge shame to see it being re written - i hope you do not delete this forever because it is truly worth the time to continue with it. I wish you good luck on the new version, but you have created an extra ordinary story heaps of the forum members love!

Not twilight at all - you're truly original.

I hope you upload it soon because i am dying to see the new 're written' version

Hey Ashley i hate to say this but i am a big Twilight fan and as soon as i read the summary i just couldn't go on reading. I seems like as good story but i think i sounds almost exactly like Stephenie Meyer's vampire books. Sorry, again. I hope to read something else of your's soon.
~peanut~

*Locked by request of the author*