Young Writers Society

I know, I have been a pain in the butt these past few weeks, but I have finally had time to sit down and write. So here is the rewrie of it. Not a real drastic one. The only real difference is that Sophia isn't a vegatarian vampire. She actually does feed on humans. Minor but improtant

Hopefully you like this better!

Enjoy!

________

Summary

This is the tale of a young female vampire apart of a clan who does follow normal vampire tradition and feeds on humans. Her name is Sophia Martin and on her first day back from a Winter Break, she meets a young male human named Isaac Ligaroti. He is instantly interested in Sophia. No, not because of her beauty (she is not one of the Blessed) but because there is something about her, some mystery surrounding her that he wishes to solve.

This is their love story.

Oh my freaking God! Ashlee that was amazing! Write more and fast! I couldn't take my eyes off of it and I even saved it to my computer under your name because I am going to read it again and again and again! That was absolutely beautiful. All kind of emotions flew through me chilling my spine! My favorite part was at the end whenever Carmen is all "You little bitch" and then Sophia is all POW! That was awesome! And I also love it when you called Isaac 'polo boy'! Haha! That was funny! And I thought that it was amazing how Isaac couldn't take his eyes off of her and how she couldn't stop thinking about him after he touched her cheek. I also seriously loved the prologue! That was awesome. What I really want to know is what happend on "That night". So hurry it up and write more! *Tears* It...was...so...beau-...tiful...

Hi ashley, you finally managed to post your rewrite Woo hoo!! And I have to tell you that it was in no way a disappointment, and was definitely worth the wait!! =D

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I couldn't find anything majorly wrong with it, and the stuff I pointed out is just a result of my obsessive perfectionist state of mind
I did point out a couple of times where I though you could add in more detail, and also where I was a little confused, as it's always good to know what your readers are thinking whilst reading your work =D
Your description and imagery was, as always, just awesome and the way you word things just shows what a talented writer you really are!!
However ...

Non-veggie Sophia?
From reading your summary (and I may have already pointed this out in the document) it said that Sophia is no longer a veggie vampire. But, from reading chapter one, I wouldn't have known that!! Her reactions to her 'slip-up' were the same in your original, and I don't think you've successfully put across that she feeds humans. I'm sorry if I'm offending you in any way by saying this, as you truly are an awesomely talented writer, but that's the only major thought I had really
Unless, of course, she is a non-veggie in secret and her 'slip-up' wasn't really one, just a human that she got caught feeding on? I don't know, but even so, you need to add in some foreshadowing or something into the chapter to hint at her feeding on humans.

I hope this helps you out, and if I have sounded rude or too harsh, I apologise because I really didn't mean to (:
Keep writing, and I can't wait for more!!
--Lucyy xx

I have been waiting so long for this!

Okay, I read the prologue, and I just wanted to review that before I forget anything that I wanted to say. I love the twist by the way. It just makes Sophia an even more believable and interesting character. Not that she wasn't already, its just that she's better and you shy away from the Twilight likenesses and stuff so good job!! I love your descriptions of her hunger and I like that you didn't completely change the prologue because it was written amazingly well and the last sentence, really makes me want to keep reading!

There was one thing that I did spot:

I think to when I had told him to leave me because of my shame for my disfigured body. But now I can’t find a reason why I would ever leave him, leave what we have. And I will change him, so we will always be together.

I didn't like the way these sounded when I read them. I like reading aloud, it just helps me better understand the emotions and the flow of the story...but anyways, I would smooth these out just a little.

To think I told him to leave me because of my disfigured body. Before, shame was my reason for leaving him, but now, it doesn't make sense anymore. I have no incentive to walk away from everything that we have. And I will change him, so we will always be together.

That's how I would reword it but if you keep it the same way or reword it, I can live with it. Its just it was a little bumpy, but overall lovely job. Off to the rest!

~Angel

Chapter 1 was as good as it was the first time, but more thrilling. I don't know, maybe it was the anticipation that made it so great but it was amazingly written, so who knows...

Anyways, great descriptions and the changes are really good. I can't wait to see what you do with the other chapters! I didn't see a lot of mistakes, but there were a few things that I spotted:

I like how you describe Randy by the way, but when I read this part, I snorted because it sounded extra weird.

He is the tallest of the group, nearing seven feet with wiry muscles and a head of thick black hair that is pulled back into a pony at the base of his neck. His scent is very distinct— rich, similar to a recently extinguished fire.

I think you mean 'pulled back into a ponytail at the base of his neck.' Minor mistake.

The sky is a soft blue and thin, white clouds scatter the heavens. The sun is a shimmering star shining forth with a brilliance that stuns me. I close my eyes as the sun’s rays hit my skin, warming it. It’s lovely to be outside when it’s sunny, to almost feel human as my skin tingles with heat.

I loved this part! It was all pretty and glittery and stuff.

“I hadn’t mean to loose control… It just happened,” I whisper, feeling suddenly cold, the sun’s heat draining from me. Flashes of that horrible night flicker through my mind.

These were some good sentences but the 'feeling suddenly cold' part really didn't sit right with me. I guess its the use of ing and ly side by side...I don't know. I would reword that though.

All in all, I completely adore this story and no matter what changes you make it always ends up being a good read. Please please don't give up on this and I hope you get this published.

Ta for now,

~Angel

P.S. You've actually inspired me. I'm picking The Jane Effect back up and I am editing as we speak. I read back on your critique on Part 9 and I too feel that it needs more description, so that will be rewritten. I have a lot of ideas and stuff stored up, all I have to do is piece everything together. Thanks for your help!

Wow! That was great! Just a few things, though. (Sorry, I haven't mastered the art of downloading a document onto YWS yet. )

My insides twist when I see him and frown.

Maybe you ought to reword this sentence, because it sounds like her insides twist, then frown. How can internal organs frown?

It is a smoky, masculine scent, causing my head to spin.

Nothing wrong with this. I love that: masculine scent . . . *sigh*

I am immediately aware of my scarred appearance but do nothing to pull up the hood of my sweatshirt.

Yeah, a comma should be after "appearance". But anyway, the last half of the sentence doesn't make sense. Maybe you should say something like: "I am immediately aware of my scarred appearance, but despite my embarrassment (or shame), I do not move to pull up the hood of my jacket." "Sweatshirt" sounds too . . . I don't know, casual I guess. I just think "jacket" sounds better here.

I have to control the urge, to use it for good.

Made no sense, but I think it means she doesn't want to kill him and suck his blood. Am I getting warm? If I am, you should clarify this.

“Sophia,” he greets.

How does he greet?

“Sophia?” His voice is thick with compassion.

There's nothing really wrong with this, in fact, it's wonderful to read that he cares so much for her. But--and this is just me being paranoid, mind you--can she have a nickname? I mean, just here. Him saying "Sophia?" is great, but it would be better if he said something like, "Fia? (or Sofie, either is pretty) Is something wrong?" It adds an invisible connection between them. Nicknames signify a sense of attachment.

One swift swing and he would be done.

Perhaps change "swing" to something more lethal. And change "done" to "gone."

When I glance up, his smile is soft, and I feel my insides melt.

This doesn't fit. One moment, she's doubled over and he's all concerned. The next, she's upright and he's smiling like nothing ever happened. The melting thing is great, but you might save it for later, when it fits into the scene.

My teeth graze his neck and I can almost taste the blood, salty and rich.

I think you can describe the blood better than "salty and rich".

I can’t resist… I can’t resist…

Pretty intense stuff you've got going on here. Love it. But I'd change this line to: "I can't resist . . . I can't . . ." instead of repeating the thought, add some variation.

“No!” I shout, gripping the leader’s arm. “Please, Rouke, have mercy!” I plead.

Man, I think I've bitten all of my nails. I'm getting way too much into this story. (That's a compliment.) Here, I think you should add more desperation. Wide eyes, wringing hands, pleading on knees . . . you know. And I think she should defend Isaac more, perhaps move in front of him.

“Morning, Sophia,” Carmen greets.

Again, here a nickname would be nice. It would imply that the two are good friends.

Sorry! I have to stop here. My crit is way to long. I'll be back to do another one for the last half. Anyway, this was really good. Some might say it is Twilight all over again, but it is way different, and it has me wringing my hands way more than Twilight ever did.

OVERALL: great start. Probably just one more touch-up and you can move on. Good luck!

~Sunny

Bleeding Rose, lucyy, Angel of Death, and 200397:

I want to first thank you altogether because all of you are just wonderful.

I was so stressing out about this when I first posted it, but I feel a lot better now!

lucyy, I understand about the 'veggie-feelings-blood' thing and I'm still working on that. Will promise to really put that under construction And no, you weren't harsh, just helpful!

Bleeding Rose, you gave me so much praise, I was smiling all day today, and will be for probably all next week lol Thanks!

Angel of Death, your reviews were great. I'll start editing soon.

200397, wow, that review must have taken you forever. But I appreciate it! Editing in process

Thanks again to all of you!

ash,

you are seriously killing me by leaving the cliffhanger. i have done what you asked and i still find it better then ever before. you have to posted chapter 2 and 3 soon to let me see what esle you have done to this amazing story. i just hope you don't change your mind again, but hey, you are human, so that gives you a right to change your mind.

Post again soon.

Bri.

oh man totally amazing!! i loved every bit of it!! great descriptions and you built up the tension very well. Sorry this review is pretty much crap but i couldn't find anything wrong that others haven't already stated.

I can't wait for the next chapters!!

~Dommy

Here as promised, sorry about the wait!

This was very good, much better than last time. I'm not going to babble on with all the amazing praise I have to ramble on about your writing - as your work is excellent and doesn't need justifying. You can describe a setting so that it entrances and entices, drawing your reader into a world real enough to breathe the muggy air, hear the crunch of leaves under feet.

You've created a great MC that is easy to identify with. I love her and am very fond of her - which is the perfect reaction for a reader to get.

I'm going to repeat what I said in the last post: I think what you need to work on now is developing the love interest. So far, he’s a bit of the female Mary-Sue – adorable, handsome, charming. I know that as writers, in the male love interest, we like to paint our dream lover-boy because writing is a way of escaping into a new identity. That is perfectly okay, but since you are such a brilliant writer this could be so much more if you just worked on his character development. With the main character, however, her character’s coming along better and better, the reader is starting to understand her motives for her actions and empathizes with her.

Just one thing that was too lengthy to put in the attatchement - the first paragraph was slightly cliched. It didn't draw me in. Opening sentences are probably the trickiest - for me, a least. An opening sentence needs something to fire the imagination of reader. Make the reader want to know what happens next - something that pulls them into the story. Makes them ask questions - who is this, what's happening, what's going to happen?

Not really looking for scene setting or establishing character - that comes later.
Dramatic openings should try and put you right in the middle of things.

One of the best opening sentences I know is from George Orwell's book '1984':"it was a bright cold day in April and the clocks were striking 13."
There's a great balance to that sentence - the first half seems ordinary and reassuring and then, bang, he hits you with the twist.

Yours does have intrigue - but you need to make it more original. The whole 'He's the only thing I live for' is very sweet and romantic, but just a bit 'I've seen this all before.' ^_^ Gah, I feel like such a hypocrite.

Okey-dokey, on with the crit!

Sarah
xxx

Oops. Double posted.

Hello, Ashley! =D

I finally did this right. I got the updated version. I'm catching up! Teehee. Plus, I do so much better critiques in Microsoft Word, so this worked well in my advantage and yours. So, I hope you enjoy this.

This was a very enjoyable read once again. You are a fantastic writer, Ashley. I expect great things from you in the future. No pressure, of course.

I found a few issues I'm kind of worried about. Your characters seem very forced. CastleInTheSky did well in describing Isaac here. He does seem to be the dream boy we all want, so flesh him out some more. Building on that, Carmen seems way overprotective even for a vampire, I think. Maybe on the third day of seeing Sophia and Isaac, he can blow up, but on the first day of school (for Sophia)? Only after seven hours. He has no proper evidence to support his claim. It's kind of ridiculous.

And altogether, your dialogue needs a touch. All your characters sound the same (except the "gang" which just follows Carmen and Sophia. Flesh them out a lot more. Michael was pretty good, though. He's quiet but caring. Lovely job with him, though more from all of them is good.). Give your dialogue some umpf. Show us how they say it as well as what they say.

Thridly, this still rides on Twilight. I explained this all in the document, so feel free to explore my comments. Shoot me any questions or comments through PM or MSN. I'll be happy to help you out.

Keep writing! (And let me know when the next part comes out. xD)

Jabber, the One and Only!

Hello there again! I'm back to do the last half of chapter one. I'll try not to make it as long as the last one.

“But why is that, Carmen?” I raise an eyebrow, and the whole group stiffens.

What she asks doesn't sound good. I mean, it's a good question, but it is phrased badly. "Why is that" sounds a little awkward here. Try something like "But why, Carmen? Why?" Just a suggestion. Also, I don't think you need that comma after "eyebrow".

“You don’t believe that,” he whispers convincingly.

This would be really powerful if we knew what was going on. (Can he read minds or something? How does he know what she does and does not believe?) If you plan to keep it a secret, try to make it more obvious. That way it will be interesting instead of confusing.

“Don’t you dare use our own powers against me. I know what I believe and that’s that.”

I didn't know they had powers. Cool. Anyway, what are you trying to get across when you say "your own powers"? Is it possible to use someone else's? If not, then I would suggest taking out the "own". Also, I would replace "that's that" with something a little more powerful and a little less heard of. I don't know what that would be, but I do know that "that's that" sounds a little cliche. No offense.

In the school, I freeze. Children mill around me, their blood thick in their veins. I can hear every heart pounding in unison, every breath taken. Their strong scents excreting from their pores unwillingly enter my nostrils.

I love this paragraph. But I think you can add just a tad more to the "blood thick in their veins." It's a good description, but it doesn't give justice to how enticing it is to Sophia.

. . . sending shocks through my system.

How so? Shocks of what? Temptation? Blood lust?

Carmen backs away and the scents hit me again, but this time, I am prepared, and slowly, I am back in control.

Rewrite: Carmen backs away and the enticing scents hit me again, but this time I am prepared; now I am in control.

I nod, proud of the amount of control I was able to have.

Not sure about this one. I tried to rewrite it, but I can't make it flow. Just try to change the last three words; I don't think they're correct.

They are serving a disgusting meal of pasta, meat sauce, and mushrooms. I read the board and see that it is called lasagna.

At least I'm not the only one that hates lasagna. Love this. It's an extremely human comment, and it adds humor and voice to the scene.

In my haste, I carelessly reach for a carton of milk, and brush hands with a human.

Get rid of the last comma in the sentence. It will flow better.

Their scents are cloaked under clouds of perfume and cologne.

Someone's probably already said this, but the above is great language.

Am I that interesting?

I'd get rid of this and just harp on how annoying it is to have someone stare at you for a long time.

Isaac starts and drops the bag of flour. It explodes between us, showering us in a thick blanket of white.

Awesome!

“Just stay away from that kid, okay.”

Question mark at the end.

“You are just like your Birth Mother.”

I'm guessing this comment is supposed to be hurtful and unflattering. But it made me laugh. (sorry) I doesn't sound profound. If you want to keep it, try adding something about the venom in his voice or put it in italics to emphasize.

OVERALL: Pretty good stuff. I don't think you have to work much on Sophia's character just yet. She's different and intriguing, just what we want to see in a MC. Plus, the chemistry with Isaac was great. (not too hot, not too cold)

Great job! PM me when the next one's up!

~Sunny

Here, as requested by you. Sorry it took so damn long.

Warning: Involves one hell of a lot of comments. I've grown tired of breaking up the writing with [ladidah] everywhere so there's one hell of a lot of comments in the margin. hehe. My bad. I have too much fun.

Note: Please don't tell me you're another one who has a freaky obsession with using commas at every available pleace? You are! Ah! You don't need that many Ashleylee dearest :} lol

Warning 2 sorry if i am a little harsh. I possibly over think things a little too much and want too much detail. But a lot of your writing left too much to the imagination. And half the time i wasn't sure what you were on about.

Though don't get me wrong -lovely story. Just look at what i have to say. You're a talented writer and i apologise in advance if i've somehow made you think otherwsise.

Warning 3 I have indeed used British language. So ignore it if you're American

Oh, and carrot tops are green! haha.

Oh and one thing: you sort of need to develop the NON VEGGIE vampire a little more. There isn't actually anything to suggest she isn't - not really. Now maybe it comes in future chapters and if it does - you should tell us because i was looking for this because you did make a huge bold thing about her being non veggie. Now if that was to tell us simply to tell us or to tell us because it was a part of the rewriting, i don't know.

It was a lovely effort and i hope you don't take it all too seriously. I'm quite OCD on the emotion side of stories, don't know why, but i crave emotions, and Sophie seemed a little too quiet and peaceful for me. heh heh heh.

I cannot wait for future chapters (i trust there might be more? no wait - there will be more chapters lol)