Young Writers Society

Hello, This is my first chapter book, or the first 2 chapters and the prologue of it anyway! I'm just wondering what you guys think, what I need to improve on and such, what confuses, puzzles or confuzzles you... fire away. All comments welcome... be harsh and rip it to shreds!
First & second reviewers get 100 point donation + the 50 that you get from posting here. More people welcome to review after that! I was just looking for anything you want to change actually. You can reconstruct entire sentences if you want, just turn on 'track changes' if you're using microsoft word.


PS: This is the story that I posted in the Action/Adventure Fiction forum... I was just looking for a more advanced critique!

THANK YOU!

-Edit: Chapter 3 added, and prologue updated!

Question! What type of revision are you looking for? Are you looking for a critique like the type we do in other forums, or do we have permission to revise this freely? (Like, reconstruct your sentences and such)

It doesn't matter... just fix up any spelling, grammar, or other mistakes. if you have microsoft word, then you can turn on the 'track changes tool' by pressing 'ctrl' + 'shift' + 'E' , or by bringing up the 'tool' menu, and selecting 'track changes' this enables you to add, or delete things, and I can see the changes that you have made!
I would like you to concentrate mostly on sentences that don't make much sense or ones that confuse you, or have needless information, or need something added! Thank you for reviewing!

Hello! I'd be willing to review this for you, if I had a little more time. Could you possibly wait about a week for me to review this? Winter break starts in a week, and since this is a few chapters long, I want to make sure I do my absolute best reviewing. 'Cause I'm just that nice.
But I definitely will review this. Eventually.

Yup, I don't mind how long you take, i'm just looking for pointers, so if it takes you a little long, then as long as its a good review, I dont really care. Thanks for offering to review!

In gratitude for your reviews on my work,
I shall be critiquing this for you
(I guess there's also a little war going on that's motivating me...)

Thanks Meep(:
Looking foward to it!

Hey there! June here!

Okay, I'm terribly sorry that I took centuries with this. Anyway, you had a few typos in this that I corrected and stuff. I decided not to rework your sentences, because that would change the overall tone of your story . However! Some of your sentences do need reworking.

Here's an example (a made up one, at that):

I pulled on the door that was the exit way to the hallway in which I stood.

I'm not saying that you have sentences exactly like this in your story, but sentences like this can become confusing for the audience. I could easily trim and polish this down to sound more fluent. Just stick to "simple" language, dear. Don't try to be too fancy, use too many words, or use big words. It'll turn out flowery and deadwood-ish.

But! I love where it's going. It's full of suspense and action-- and best of all, the action is evenly paced, and seems realistic.

(And, remember to space your paragraphs, so that it doesn't look like one gigantic paragraph )

Keep it up, dear! PM me if you have any questions or need me to look over it again

June

Thank you June! I accidentally stopped watching tis topic, so I only found out that you had done it now. (I know... That was a good example of how I write, right?) Do you want the Points now?

(Oh heck, I'll give them to you without consent!)

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!

-Asxz

Well...I'm trying to give this as best an in depth critique as I can get.
I think I'll take a couple more days.
Hope you don't mind!

Yup, Thaty's fine meep(:
Thank you for reviewing!

Oh my, Asxz! I feel absolutely terrible. You posted on my "Will Review for Food" Thread like months ago and I'm just getting to it now. Please, please don't hate me (though I wouldn't blame you if you did ) I just really hope I'm not to late. I worked extra hard on yours since I knew I was so behind.

If you ever need anything else reviewed, let me know and I'll try to be faster with it ^_^ hehe

Anyway... on with your review...

- First off, I enjoyed your Prologue but I'm not necessarily sure if it is needed I mean, it was a good beginning but I don't think you need to have it as a Prologue. Maybe have her just flashing back or have little bits and pieces of it so the reader can get a view of it without writing a whole chapter about it, you know what I mean?

- Second, along with the above thing, it was really hard for me to get into it, though I enjoyed it, becuase I didn't know why she was being chased. You have to give the reader a hint or something so the reader doesn't lose interest.

- Next, I loved how you had that little bit about her losing her memory but I do think you need to expand on things. I noticed that you don't go into as much detail as you should. Expand and explain things. It's okay to be elaborate sometimes

All right, as for the overall effect of this, I thought it was decent. Right now, I felt it was a pretty slow started. You had good parts here and there but you have to pick up the pace just a tad. Add a little more mystery so the reader can get even more interested. I think that the more you write of this, the easier it will get.

I wish you the best of luck with this and I really hope I helped.

Remember, I definitely owe you for how long this took so please, feel free to bug me to death for another review

**PS, I did use Track Changes in the Word Document below like you requested so hopefully it works for you**

Thank you ashlee, although i don't mind how long it took. Thank you for reviewing!

I am enchanted by your story, so expect a critique soon. I will do my very,very best to offer the best review I can possibly give and if this means losing sleep, so be it.