Young Writers Society

As per the high request from the comments on my first post I'm redoing my Introduction.

::Introduction Revised::

I covered my ears and tried desperately to block them out. ‘Shut up you guys!’ I whined inside my head desperately. My sisters and my wolf side were bothering me again, putting in their two cents where I didn’t want it, especially not in the middle of my Honors English class.


My best friend nudged me a little with a wink, “Which one is it this time?”


Glancing over at her I mumbled, “Krys…who else?”


In the back of my mind my second life was pestering me, keeping up her rant about my boyfriend. ‘I mean really Razi; you need to teach the guy to get a backbone! He barely hugs you as it is-’


‘That’s because he’s shy!’ I combated.


One of the banes of my existence, my wolf side, Yuna, chimed in, ‘Well of course we know that, but that’s not an excuse. You like hugs; he could give them a little more.’


I snarled at the German and the half wolf woman. Unfortunately since they were both about four to five inches taller than me I had to look up to do it. What made it even worse that was since Krys wasn’t cross-dressing today I got a face full of her chest. I hated being the shortest out of them all. ‘Look you two, just because he’s not raunchy doesn’t mean he needs to change!’


My best friend nudged me again and passed our note. Her reply asked, “What’s she bugging you about?” With a sigh I described the scene before me and passed it back. We were all standing in the meadow debating about my boyfriend, which was really none of Krys’s or Yuna’s business, while my first life was off sitting on her favorite rock playing with her Tarot Cards and my third life was muttering about our stupidity somewhere.


This was all just so tiresome. I knew they loved me, which was the only reason they teased me or messed with me like this, but sometimes I wished they’d just lay off. Rubbing the bridge of my nose as the exhaustion from the night before caught up with me I tried desperately to focus on what my teacher was saying. Luckily English was one of my best subjects and the teacher loved me so I didn’t have to listen all the time. If they had started this in my Chemistry 2 class where I needed to pay attention, I would have killed them.


Alex passed back our note and I read her reply. “He really is too shy; you need to teach him to act like a real boyfriend. They’re right.”


Glancing over at her I wrote down my reply, “Traitor…” and passed it back.


Of course she only laughed at my reply while they started in on me again. ‘See? See?’ Krys edged on, ‘She agrees with us too!’


‘Would you just shut up!’ I begged. But of course that wasn’t going to happen. It never happened. I was just a "normal" teenager dealing with normal high school life...and the little problem of my lycanthropy. I was still getting the hang of it since it had only been less than a year since I'd contracted the disease. That's what Yuna was for, to teach me how to control myself. However her and my past lives were much more content to add their two bits into everything I did, especially when it came to my boyfriend and me, and it made life into quite a bumpy ride.

Ha! There's nothing wrong whith having a shy boyfriend. Mine is. The voices in her head cracked me up. And her friend even agrees.

Very interesting perspective.

Can't wait for chapter 1.

I read it! It might seem strange for a guy to read this but hey... I Like Reading.
That was good. That is what girls talk about. (secret revealed) haha.
But it seemed real, I liked it.
And I would have to admit, I am one of those shy boyfriends.
Good job.

This is much better than your first post. It gives us a quick insight on what her life is like and what she goes through with those freaky past lives of hers. I like it and I still can't wait for chapter one.

A vast improvement! I like this a lot, it gave us a lot at the character, her personality, who she is, and maybe some of the things shes going through. And the boyfriend part was funny and real!

, can't wait for chapter one!

Aw, you're so mean; you're not allowing me to be nit-picky!

I absolutely loved this. Very captivating; I have a list of questions in my head that I would continue to read to answer.

I'm really sorry I don't have any more suggestions, this was just too good.

I do have one, though; either give us more time to get used to the characters, or don't introduce them all in the introduction. I know that it is just an introduction, and you shouldn't give us their whole backstories, but at least let us get used to one before introducing another by making it longer to establish the characters more. Or you could leave one or two of them out, and introduce them in the main story. I got the names all mixed up, and started ignoring the names quickly.

GREAT job! Gold star.

Oh, and please PM me when you write more; I really enjoyed this.

~JFW1415

Weird...But good!

Yay action! Much better.

Sorry I've been so slow about this, I've been rather busy lately. Please forgive me. ^_^

‘Shut up you guys!’

Thoughts don't need quote marks. It just confuses the reader.

*Random thought* Should this be more Fantasy Fiction, what with the wolf side and whatnot? I'm considering moving this.

And I'm slightly confused as to what's going on here -- is all of this happening in her head while she's sitting in English class? That might be something you'd want to look into clarifying. Italics and line breaks ("***" and "+++" and whatnot) work wonders.

On another note, your pace needs to be slowed down. One thing I notice you're lacking big time is sensory description. What are your characters feeling? Tasting, smelling? Make us really feel what's going on, don't just tell us. It's that old showing versus telling dilemma. I want to feel like I'm actually living your story -- and you do that through description. Make me feel it. Use strong verbs and adjectives. Let me crawl around in your main character's head.

But! The fact that you started with action is definitely an improvement. I can actually see what your concept is here. Definitely a good start.

Any questions, PM me!

And I'm going to go ahead and move this and all subsequent threads to Fantasy Fiction. It feels more like it belongs there.

-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate

I can prove here that I listen to you all. ^^ Taking your advise to heart I've redone all that I've posted so far (still working on redoing Chapter 2 at the moment though so you may have to wait on that one...) and am reposting it in the same topic.

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I covered my ears and tried desperately to block them out. Shut up you guys! I whined inside my head desperately. The meadow where we lived was covered in dark green grass, vibrant green trees surrounded the entire area where in the middle rested a serene aqua lake that never ceased to amaze me with its beauty. In this area near the Tree of Life, to the northeast of it to be exact, was my home. All of my past lives and my current one lived here, along with my wolf side that had a cabin just on top of the embankment looking down upon the misty waters of the lake. Here it was never hot or cold, just the perfect temperature for what you desired.


As I opened my eyes I snapped back into “reality” or rather my Honors English Class, a large dusty room that used to belong to the orchestra when we still had one. The rows of tables each contained two chairs to give the students plenty of room to lay out their things while making it easy for the teacher to keep an eye on us all. The teacher droned on with her lecture about research papers as my best friend nudged me a little with a wink, her curly coffee hair bouncing as she did so, “Which one is it this time?”


Glancing over at her I mumbled, “Krys…who else?” She knew about the fact that I had past lives, she was one of the very few that did. If anyone else knew I would end up being the school freak. It was bad enough that I was the pastor’s daughter, but to have conversations with myself in public, talking to people that no-one else could see? That would make things much worse.


In the back of my mind my second life, Krys, was pestering me, keeping up her rant about my boyfriend. She stood almost a half a foot taller than me in her leather traveling clothes. I could still smell the oil that she rubbed into it daily; it must be because it was still morning. I mean really Razi; you need to teach the guy to get a backbone! He barely hugs you as it is-


That’s because he’s shy! I combated vainly. The favorite topic of all the people in my head just so happened to be my boyfriend, go figure; there was nothing I could do about that though, I just tried my best to stick up for him and our nervous attempts at dating.


One of the banes of my existence, my wolf side, Yuna, chimed in, Well of course we know that, but that’s not an excuse. You like hugs; he could give them a little more.

I snarled at the German and the half wolf woman. Unfortunately since Yuna was almost as tall as Krys I had to look up at her as well, I hated being seen as short; I knew that I was average height, but that didn’t make it pleasant. To make matters even worse Krys wasn’t cross-dressing today so I got a face full of her chest just trying to look up to see her face. I hated being the shortest out of them all. Look you two, just because he’s not raunchy doesn’t mean he needs to change!

My best friend nudged me again and passed our note. Her reply asked, “What’s she bugging you about?” With a sigh I described the scene before me and passed it back. She already knew about what my normal mental plane, the meadow I spoke of earlier, looked like so I didn’t have to tell her about that. I did however tell her about the muscled figures standing beside me; Krys to my left with her brown hair and even darker eyes, Yuna to my right with her cold beauty and finely chipped features, almost as if she had been hewn from a slab of granite.


This was all just so tiresome. I knew they loved me, which was the only reason they teased me or messed with me like this, but sometimes I wished they’d just lay off. Rubbing the bridge of my nose as the exhaustion from the night before caught up with me I tried desperately to focus on what my teacher was saying. Luckily English was one of my best subjects and the teacher loved me so I didn’t have to listen all the time. If they had started this in my Chemistry 2 class where I needed to pay attention, I would have killed them.


Taylor passed back our note and I read her reply. “He really is too shy; you need to teach him to act like a real boyfriend. They’re right.”


Glancing over at her I wrote down my reply, “Traitor…” and passed it back, the crisp paper making only a ghost of a whisper on the veneer of the table.


Of course she only laughed at my reply while they started in on me again. See? See? Krys edged on eagerly, almost appearing as if a few of the harsh years that she wore so well on her face had softened, if only for a moment, She agrees with us too!

Would you just shut up! I begged. But of course that wasn’t going to happen. It never happened. I was just a "normal" teenager dealing with normal high school life...and the little problem of my lycanthropy. I was still getting the hang of it since it had only been less than a year since I'd contracted the disease. That's what Yuna was for, to teach me how to control myself. However her and my past lives were much more content to add their two bits into everything I did, especially when it came to my boyfriend and me, and it made life into quite a bumpy ride.

I'm a little confused. The first post said revised, then you said the latest one was...oh, well, I'll just give a quick comment. I promised I would review chapter two and the revised versions of these a LONG time ago, and I'm finally doing it. I'm not going through with a line-by-line for grammar and such, though.

Honestly? I don't think this was as good. You began to become info-dumpy. We don't need to know all this; the whole point of a first chapter (or the main part, at least) is to drag us in. The info-dumps just made me aware that I was ready at my desk; I didn't feel like I was next to her.

Also, the meadow was odd. If you define that it's in her mind a little more clearly it could be great, though. And if it weren't so info-dumpy there; it's hard to read a story with TOO many descriptions. Try to find a happy medium.

Wow. Never thought I'd tell an author to take OUT details.

I still like this story. Just work on making the story clear, but let us use our imaginations a bit, too. Bring us into the story, let us feel what she's feeling. Don't just tell us what she sees.

Make sense? PM me with any questions.

~JFW1415

MUCH better! I can no longer see the once-terrifying towering chunk of text that was your info dump!!!!! XD YAY!!!!!!!