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::Misapprehension 2:: The Next Day



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Mon Mar 17, 2008 1:28 pm
Aly_Tobias says...



Ok this one is very, very rough and therefore I would appreciate a lot of crit on this one guys, please!

::Missapprehenion 2:: The Next Day

Armand!” I shrieked upon entering the school building. The crowded hallways and noise pressing against my being made me feel sick. I couldn’t deal with any of that today, not after the trauma of last night. I was almost afraid that I was going to snap if prompted with anything critical today. Just above the crowd I could spot the dark black hair of my German/French vampire friend. His tall height made it easier on me to spot him even though he was at the other end of the hallway and trying to make a break for it; as if I was going to let him get away.


“Git your ass back here!” my southern accent tinted my already annoyed voice, turning it slightly comical as it always did. Pressing my way through chocolate skin covered bodies and occasionally, though very rarely, pasty white skin with the occasional tan I shoved my way through the hallways, determined to catch him.


I knew that if I just made it to the end of the hallway I might have some hope of catching him since he couldn’t flit (a super-fast version of running that both vampires and lycans are capable of) at school. If either of us did, not that I was able to just yet, then we ran both the risk of being exposed as freaks and possibly being the cause of someone’s poor mental health. I definitely could not afford that at the moment; Armand could, however, he was too polite to be the cause of someone’s insanity.


The sea of bodies that I was trying to pour through without harming anyone was slowly increasing, impeding my efforts to get to the end of the hallway. Looking to my left I found myself close to one of the doors leading into the courtyard, also known as “the Mall” when there used to be vending machines out there, and made a dash for it. Bursting through the door anger and frustration poured into my lungs with each frantic breath as I turned my head to try to spot some piece of Armand; his dark trench coat, a length of hair, anything that would symbolize his location…there! I spotted the tail of his coat heading into the Presentation Room. Since that was a dead end, I could catch him there.


Darting across the Mall I slammed open the door to the building, not very stealthily I may add, and crashed after him. My arm racked up against the unused stacks of lockers as I darted around a corner. Hissing in pain I clutched at my arm through the tightly woven fabric of my white dress shirt and continued on. Somehow I managed to grab the tail-end of his coat and used my weight to slow him up as I kicked his legs out from under him. Normally I knew that nothing I did would have caused him to fall so easily like he did, but I believe I caught him off guard, which was why I was able to catch him at all.


Still holding my stinging arm I managed to pin him to the ground with my legs as I snarled, “Why didn’t you warn me?!”


His smoothly pointed features managed to wrinkle up in confusion as he responded, “Vat are you talking about?”


In anger I slammed his head back against the ground, causing the white and green tile beneath to crack slightly. Every emotion of annoyance I could find deep within me seemed to bubble up inside of me as I growled down at him. “The lunar eclipse…” instinctively my upper lip curled up in a snarl to reveal a slowly extending canine, “don’t tell me you didn’t realize.” Armand’s sparkling eyes widened in shock and I shook my head to pull myself out of the trance that I knew was caused by Krys wanting to stare into them.


I must have caught him off guard because he started to stammer out an apology, “F-forgive me Razi, I-I did not realize zat you vere far enough along for ze moon to affect you zat way.”


Staring down at him I argued with myself about whether or not he seemed sincere. ‘He seems like he really just didn’t know…’

‘Of course he didn’t!’ Krys stepped into my musing, drawing me into the glade where we usually talked. The dense shrubbery with their dark green waxy leaves and tall majestic trees with their soothing ancient bark was enough to calm me slightly. ‘How should Armand,’ her voice lingered on his voice, proving to me once more just how much she was in love with him, ‘know everything about us?’


Annoyed by her answer I snapped defensively, ‘I never said he did! But he is the one that tested me for lycanthropy in the first place to prove to Taylor that we weren’t lying and he knows more about it than we do ourselves! I was hoping for some sort of warning about that damn eclipse!’ The raw feeling of my shifting overcame me once more and I shuddered.


I must have done it outside of my mind as well because Armand’s voice pulled me back to reality. “Razi, are you ok?”


“Huh?” my eyes returned to their normal honey brown from their glassy state as I looked up at him as he gently, almost warily, held my shoulders and watched my expression. He must have gotten out from under me when I was talking to Krys. “Oh…yeah…I’m fine.” Looking away I closed my eyes and rubbed the bridge of my nose. I knew that he would see right through me, he always did.


Once again his voice cut through the void of my thoughts, “You’re shaking…” Closing my eyes tighter I willed the world to go away; I didn’t need this, I didn’t need any of this. All I wanted was to curl up in some corner and become forgotten, and then maybe things would be ok.


“Razi…” he tried to get my attention and decided to use my legal name to further his efforts, “Krystal…are you ok?”


His thick accent would have been comical any other time but now. Letting out a sob I shook my head and tried not to cry from the strain. I knew he wouldn’t mind it if I did decide to cry, but I didn’t want to let myself succumb to the weakness.


“…Vat happened?” he pressed, trying to find out what was the matter with me.


“I-” my voice seemed to fail me for a moment and I just sat there trying to make the world go away. Deadening silence filled my ears as he waited for me to continue, being dead he didn’t need to breath, which only added to the oppressiveness of the lack of noise around us both. When I was finally able to find my voice once more it was hardly a whisper, as if as soon as I said it out loud my nightmare of the night before would become a reality, “I started to shift last night…”


“Oh…zat…” he sighed in relief that small thing was the only thing bothering me. Armand ran his fingers through his hair and gave me a small smile, allowing a brief glimpse at his long fangs, “Zat is quite normally a side-effect of a lunar eclipse.”


Hugging myself I nodded and focused on the floor tiles below me. Tracing the green splotches with my eyes I found the strength to continue, “It hurt…” I whined.


Nodding he stayed with me, keeping me calm. If I exploded from the stress here it would not bode well for anyone at school today. “Ze same thing happens vith vampires during a solar eclipse.” He winced slightly, so quickly that I barely caught it, “It does not get better vith age…”


My eyes widened in shock as I stared. The horrible pain of last night was destined to be worse with the next lunar eclipse? How could that be? Why was life so unfair to my kind, to me? I never wanted any of this, I had never intended on being some sort of furry freak!


Sensing my distress Armand gently lifted me to my feet and started leading me to my locker, “Come on, it is time for class…”
Crime of the century....[yet to be committed]
  





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Mon Mar 17, 2008 6:51 pm
Fall_Into_The_Sky says...



[pre]
Try to change some words up a bit. I like to see unused descriptive writing e.g. Instead of almost afraid. I was petrified or I was almost petrified.

Pressing my way through chocolate skin covered bodies and occasionally, though very rarely, pasty white skin with the occasional tan I shoved my way through the hallways, determined to catch him.

Too many occasional ^

Pressing my way through chocolate skin covered bodies and though very rarely, the occasional pasty white skin or tan I shoved my way through the hallways, determined to catch him.

If either of us did, not that I was able to just yet, then we ran both the risk of being exposed as freaks and possibly being the cause of someone’s poor mental health.

It should be “we both ran the risk…

*Overall I think this is a good story. It just needs some fixing on more unusual wording and not to repeat the same word in the same sentence. [/pre]
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Mon Mar 17, 2008 10:57 pm
mikedb1492 says...



Overall this was pretty good. The main thing I had a problem with was when you described 'flit', that running thing. I'd incorporate it later in the story when Razi uses it. The way you did it was too abrupt, and I personally dislike it when people put things in parantheses in a story. I think they should find a way to bring it into the story in another way or not at all.
This was a pretty good follow up to the last part, although the vampire thing surprised me a little. Anyway, overall it was good.
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Tue Mar 18, 2008 6:23 pm
Teague says...



*moves to Fantasy Fiction*

Okay, so you haven't been waiting as long for this one. Aren't I awesome? ;)

(a super-fast version of running that both vampires and lycans are capable of)

No lecturing. Get rid of this. ;)

I just scanned the rest of this, because honestly, the flaws that I've pointed out before are consistent here. You need more on the setting, some more sensory description, and I'm still confused as to what's going on. Also, your pace needs to slow down. Especially with the bit before this -- there is SO much more that you could do. Description is definitely your fatal flaw.

As always, PM me with any questions! :D

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Sat Mar 22, 2008 1:11 am
SASSYLADY333 says...



Hmmm... well I liked it! It was engaging, and I expect in the next few posts we'll know what you mean by some of your references...


But besides that it was well written, I liked the character Armand and Krystal seems really cool. So you have likable characters [ with great chemistry might I add] and a good plot. So basically it's awesome :)
"Show us, don't tell us!" They say, but sadly I realize I'm a storyteller. When I cross over and accept maturity, when I want to change then maybe I'll be willing to show people my prose and not tell them. As a writer I have to grow. :)
  





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Sat Mar 22, 2008 4:23 pm
Alainna says...



I'm probably just going to end up echoing what everyone else have said. Your writing is good and I like your style, but you lack a constant pace and your description at times is limited.

a super-fast version of running that both vampires and lycans are capable of

Info dumping! Can this be explained in a different way?

but I believe I caught him off guard, which was why I was able to catch him at all.

Ok, before this you say that you are crashing around. As a reader we are also aware that Armand is running away from Razi - so she didn't really catch him off guard at all. Can you change this?

I must have caught him off guard because he started to stammer out an apology,

You repeat 'off guard' again here, although I think it can stay if the previous one goes.

“Razi…” he tried to get my attention and decided to use my legal name to further his efforts, “Krystal…are you ok?”

I like the name change (even if it does add to the confusion) but I think it needs to be put forward in a different manner. Something like:
"Krystal......are you ok?" I winced at the use of my legal name
or
"Krystal......are you ok?" I noted the way he tried to get my attention by using my legal name. He hardly ever did that.

Or something a bit more poetic.

Overall I like this storyline and style, but I'm still getting a bit confused. Try to show more about the other characters and the ones in Razi's head so us readers get it a bit more.

Keep it up and let me know when you post the next chapter.

Alainna
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Mon Mar 24, 2008 11:03 am
Aly_Tobias says...



As promised here are the revisions of Chapter 2! :D

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Armand!” I shrieked upon entering the school building. The crowded hallways and noise pressing against my being made me feel sick. I couldn’t deal with any of that today, not after the trauma of last night. I was almost afraid that I was going to snap if prompted with anything critical today. Just above the crowd I could spot the dark black hair of my German/French vampire friend. His tall height made it easier on me to spot him even though he was at the other end of the hallway and trying to make a break for it; as if I was going to let him get away.


“Git your ass back here!” my southern accent tinted my already annoyed voice, turning it slightly comical as it always did. Pressing my way through chocolate skin covered bodies and though very rarely, the occasional pasty white skin or tan I shoved my way through the hallways, determined to catch him.


I knew that if I just made it to the end of the hallway I might have some hope of catching him since he couldn’t flit at school. If either of us did, not that I was able to just yet, we ran both the risk of being exposed as freaks and possibly being the cause of someone’s poor mental health. I definitely could not afford that at the moment; Armand could, however, he was too polite to be the cause of someone’s insanity.


The sea of bodies that I was trying to pour through was slowly increasing, flowing against me and smothering me with the heavy scents of the over-used perfumes, colognes, and lotions; impeding my efforts to get to the end of the hallway. Looking to my left I found myself close to one of the doors leading into the courtyard, also known as “the Mall” when there used to be vending machines out there, and made a dash for it. Bursting through the door anger and frustration poured into my lungs with each frantic breath as I swiveled my head trying desperately to spot some piece of Armand; his dark trench coat, a length of hair, anything that would symbolize his location…there! I spotted the tail of his coat heading into the Presentation Room. Since that was a dead end, I could catch him there.


Darting across the Mall I slammed open the door to the building, not very stealthily I may add, and crashed after him. My arm racked up against the unused stacks of lockers as I darted around a corner. Hissing at the throbbing pain running up my upper arm I clutched at it through the coarse tightly woven fabric of my white dress shirt and continued on. Somehow I managed to grab the tail-end of his coat and used my weight to slow him up as I kicked his legs out from under him. The shock that I actually managed to catch him must have added to my advantage because normally I would have never been able to trap him this easily.


Still holding my stinging arm I managed to pin him to the ground with my legs, using my weight as a lever, as I snarled, “Why didn’t you warn me?!”


His smoothly pointed features managed to wrinkle up in confusion as he responded, “Vat are you talking about?”


In anger I slammed his head back against the ground, causing the white and green tile beneath to crack slightly. I knew that would never hurt him enough for him to even move, there was no chance that it would, he was to strong for that. As the strong smell of his deep French cologne filled my lungs with each breath every emotion of annoyance I could find deep within me seemed to bubble up as I sneered down at him. “The lunar eclipse…” instinctively my upper lip curled up in a snarl to reveal a slowly extending canine, “don’t tell me you didn’t realize.” Armand’s sparkling eyes widened in shock and I shook my head to pull myself out of the trance that I knew was caused by Krys wanting to stare into them.


I must have caught him off guard because he started to stammer out an apology, his words faltering like I had never heard them before, “F-forgive me Razi, I-I did not realize zat you vere far enough along for ze moon to affect you zat way.”


Staring down at him I argued with myself about whether or not he seemed sincere. The furrows of confusion lining his forehead and that tiny space between his eyes wrinkled a little more under my gaze just as his icy skin seemed to be growing colder. I knew that if he still had a heart it would have stopped beating by now from the strain of my glare. Every movement he made screamed out to me that he was telling the truth, just as his scent, the one of running water that lay buried under all that cologne shivered with some apprehension, worried about what would come. He seems like he really just didn’t know…

Of course he didn’t! Krys stepped into my musing, drawing me into the glade where we usually talked. The dense shrubbery with their dark green waxy leaves and tall majestic trees with their soothing ancient bark was enough to calm me slightly. How should Armand, her voice lingered on his voice for a moment frozen in time, proving to me once more just how much she was in love with him, know everything about us?


Annoyed by her answer I snapped defensively, I never said he did! But he is the one that tested me for lycanthropy in the first place to prove to Taylor that we weren’t lying and he knows more about it than we do ourselves! I was hoping for some sort of warning about that damn eclipse! The raw feeling of my shifting overcame me in our plane once more and I shuddered.


I must have done it outside of my mind as well because Armand’s voice pulled me back to reality. “Razi, are you ok?”


“Huh?” my eyes returned to their normal honey brown from their glassy state as I looked up at him as he gently, almost warily, held my shoulders and watched my expression. He must have gotten out from under me when I was talking to Krys, too polite to interrupt my conversation until I fidgeted a sure sign with me that something was not right. “Oh…yeah…I’m fine.” Looking away I closed my eyes and rubbed the bridge of my nose. I knew that he would see right through me, he always did.


Once again his voice cut through the void of my thoughts, “You’re shaking…” Closing my eyes tighter I willed the world to go away; I didn’t need this, I didn’t need any of this. All I wanted was to curl up in some corner and become forgotten, and then, finally, maybe then things would be ok.


“Razi…” his slight whisper of my name that sounded like rich chocolate wasn’t enough to snap me out of my bout of melancholy. “Krystal…” my legal name slipped from his mouth like water over rocks, bringing my mind slowly from its pool of misery, “are you ok?” The worry that coated his tongue made me lift my head as if to glance at him, but my ideas were too heavy, my thoughts weighed me down and I could not raise my head high enough to glimpse him.


His thick accent would have been comical any other time but now. Letting out a sob I shook my head and tried not to cry from the strain. I knew he wouldn’t mind it if I did decide to cry, but I didn’t want to let myself succumb to the weakness. I hadn’t let myself cry in a long time and if I let myself now, over something so trivial as this, then my icy tears would never cease.


“…Vat happened?” he pressed, trying to find out what was the matter with me.


“I-” my voice seemed to fail me for a moment and I just sat there trying to make the world go away. Deadening silence filled my ears as he waited for me to continue, being dead he didn’t need to breath, which only added to the oppressiveness of the lack of noise around us both. When I was finally able to find my voice once more it was hardly a whisper, as if as soon as I said it out loud my nightmare of the night before would become a reality, “I started to shift last night…”


“Oh…zat…” he sighed in relief that small thing was the only thing bothering me. Armand ran his fingers through his dark jet black hair, the one streak of silver in it remaining stationary and gave me a small smile, allowing a brief glimpse at his long pristine fangs, “Zat is quite normally a side-effect of a lunar eclipse.”


Hugging myself I nodded and focused on the floor tiles below me. Tracing the green splotches with my eyes I found the strength to continue, “It hurt…” I whined.


Nodding he stayed with me, keeping me calm. If I exploded from the stress here it would not bode well for anyone at school today. “Ze same thing happens vith vampires during a solar eclipse.” He winced slightly, so quickly that I barely caught it, “It does not get better vith age…”


My eyes widened in shock as I stared. The horrible pain of last night was destined to be worse with the next lunar eclipse? How could that be? Why was life so unfair to my kind, to me? I never wanted any of this, I had never intended on being some sort of furry freak!


Sensing my distress Armand gently lifted me to my feet and started leading me to my locker, his icy hand somehow reassuring as it put a light pressure on the small of my back, “Come on, it is time for class…"
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Thu Mar 27, 2008 8:56 pm
JFW1415 says...



Like someone else suggested, simply edit this in the original posting. If you want to be able to tell the difference between the critiques, simply do what I do; post 'This chapter was edited on...' as a reply after editing the original. If you don't, people may not see the new version and just review the first one.

Again, not doing grammar. I'm short on time, but I want to get this done.

1. She has a southern accent? Then why was she in California with the jumping (in the first chapter you talked about that.)

2. Don't describe skin tone so much; people get offended easily. ;P Just a quick mention works. Also, how's she know everyone's nationality? Show us this, don't just tell us what they are.

3. Define your characters more. Right now, they seem to be switching around. The boy's speech varies; sometimes formal, sometimes light. They seem a little too perfect (despite the whole lycan thing,) and they just don't feel REAL.

4. Bring us closer. Let us feel her banging into people. Show us her personality more, and let us believe that we're right beside her, watching her every move. You must have walked down busy halls before; what's it like? What's she feeling talking to this guy? Is he annoying? Does she respect him? Have a crush on him? Since these people already have relationships established, you need to make it very clear to us. Who's the leader, who sits on the sidelines, who's the annoying one?

Again, your plot is good, but the story doesn't feel real. Put yourself in her shoes, and then write.

PM me with any questions; I'm never clear when I'm rushing. :(

~JFW1415
  





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Mon Apr 21, 2008 4:09 pm
Sweeney_Todd says...



Okay, first? Armand would never say 'ok', either abbreviated or otherwise. He always says 'all right', and you may want to mention that annoying part of his accent that makes him roll his r's,
"as vell as ze vones zat 'aff me appear as zo' I vaz from Transylvania."
to quote.

His accent is hot, and (no offense) but you really didn't get in depth enough to do it justice. Other than those minor little hiccups, I think everything else has been covered.

...except the fact that--again--you're a little impersonal with Krys's feelings for Armand. Subtlety is *always* the rule for things like this.

Nice job with the hallway, though. The CONSTANT pushing and shoving pretty accurate.


XO
~Alex
Your journey began before you manifested in physical form here on this planet and will not cease when that physical representation of yourself is no longer capable of interacting with this world.
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