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Bloodlust



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Thu May 12, 2011 6:02 am
Orinette says...



{Note: This was written for my English class, therefore I had a word limit... that's why parts of it (particularly the ending) seem a bit rushed. Oh, well, what you gonna do? :D }

“D’you think it’ll be enough?”

“No.”

“I don’t know what I’ll do if something goes wrong.”

“Relax, Max. Hey, that rhymed!”

“I tried to find another guy, but the sun was coming up.”

“Oh, what’s a little sunburn for a good cause, Romeo?”

“Stop it, El,” Max rubbed his forehead with a groan. El grinned and gnashed her teeth at him affectionately.

“I think she’s almost done,” El nodded her head towards the corner. Half-hidden by shadow, a young woman was hunched over the body of a homeless man, her face buried in his neck. She worked her mouth against his skin, making a soft suckling sound that seeped from the corner like muck oozing between toes.

“I’m done,” the woman said, getting to her feet. Her mouth and chin were covered in blood—the man’s neck was a pulpy mess of torn flesh.

El smirked at Max and tapped the side of her nose. He rolled his eyes at her and turned a strained smile onto the woman in the corner.

“How you doing, Liz?” he asked her.

Liz licked her lips. “Thirsty,” she said, “really thirsty. But he’s dry,” she gestured to the man at her feet. She looked up at Max with an almost shy smile. Her eyes were glazed, unfocused.

“Can I have another one?”

Max sighed. “No,” he said. “It’s morning, already. You’ll have to wait, like the rest of us.”

Liz’s face fell. “B-but I’m still thirsty,” she stammered. “I need more. I can’t be done if I’m still thirsty, Max!”

“I know he wasn’t enough, Liz,” Max said gently. “Bums rarely are—their blood is never too healthy. But we can’t afford to hunt anyone else.”

“But I’m still thirsty!” Liz repeated. She was beginning to shudder; she bared her blood-stained fangs, teeth clenching violently as she sat back on the floor.

“I need more, more,” she rested her forehead against her knees and clenched her fists. “More…”

Max tried not to look at her. Not long ago, she had been plain old Elizabeth Lugosi (ironically, no relation to Béla); beautiful, sweet, and settling into a promising career as sous-chef at a restaurant called La Pomme D’or. That had all changed a few hours ago when Maxwell Brede—vampire, friend, and lover—had bitten her so that he could keep her forever.

Now, as he watched his poor girl shuddering on the floor, Max wondered—not for the first time that night—if turning Liz had been a good idea. He’d forgotten how intense bloodlust was in fledglings, and how important it was that that lust be slated. The quality and quantity of a vampire’s first meal has a huge impact on their mental and physical health; Max had brought Liz the likeliest-looking bum he could find, but that clearly wasn’t going to be enough.

El leaned her face close to his. “We should probably tie her up or something,” she whispered.

“No.”

“Look at her, Max. If she doesn’t get some more blood soon, she’ll snap like a twig.”

“It’s not happening, El.”

“But it’s for her own good. As she is, she’ll only end up hurting someone.”

“No!”

Max’s voice was louder than he had intended it to be. Liz jerked her head up and gazed blearily in his direction.

“Is there more?” she asked.

Max nudged El aside and knelt next to Liz. He put a hand on her knee and said, “No. Liz, we won’t be able to get you any more until nightfall. I know it’s hard…but you have to try to control yourself. Please. For me.”

She gave him a tired look; her eyes were wet.

“I can’t, Max,” Liz whispered. “I can’t!”

She bit down on her lower lip—hard. The skin split and fresh blood began gushing out.

“Jesus!” El yelped.

Max felt as if he were rooted to the ground, unable to react. Liz curled her lower lip back and began to suck her own blood from the wound.

“Max! Stop her!” El cried.

Max couldn’t move.

Liz released her lip and tore into the meat of her forearm instead; she drank deeply, her eyes rolling back in her head.
Max shook his head, finally responsive again; but before he could do anything, El was there, grabbing Liz’s arm and yanking it out of her mouth.

They fought for a moment, Liz trying to regain her fangs’ purchase in her flesh. Finally, she tugged herself free; she fell to the ground, skidding across the floor. She looked down at the wound in her arm, and a tear slid down her cheek. The madness of bloodlust had almost left her eyes.

Max got to his feet, and El turned on her heel to face him.

“What the hell was that?” she demanded. “You were right there! Why didn’t you stop her?”

Max stammered. “She—I—I couldn’t! I would’ve hurt her!”

“She was hurting herself, Max! If she can suck her own blood, I think she can take a hit!”

“I didn’t want to hurt her!” he insisted.

“Don’t you think that letting her drink herself dry would do more damage?”

“Who said I would’ve let it get that far?”

El glared at him. Max pushed her aside and approached Liz, who was still staring at her arm.

“Liz?” he asked tentatively. “Liz, are you all right?”

She didn’t look at him. “I did this?” she murmured.

“Yeah, you did,” El shot from across the room, “and Casanova here was gonna let you keep going.”

“Stop it, El,” Max growled. He knelt beside Liz again, putting a hand on her shoulder.

“Did I hurt you?” she asked him. “Did I hurt El?”

“Actually,” he admitted, “El sort of hurt you.”

“Oh, screw you!”

“Shhhsh!”

Liz shook her head sleepily. “I don’t remember. It’s all fuzzy—like I was drunk or something.”

Max wrapped his arms around her. “That happens, sometimes, when we’re really thirsty. Our minds turn off and instinct takes over.”

“But I just had a drink,” Liz pointed out.

“You’re only a few hours old; you can’t function on one body a night at this stage.”

“So…I’ll go crazy again?”

Max hesitated. “Maybe.”

“Most definitely,” El corrected. She was standing nearer to them, now. She inspected her fingernails as Max glared at her.

“In fact,” El went on, “you’ll probably attack Max next. Lord knows, he won’t stop you if you do. And I probably won’t, either.”

“How can you be so cruel?” Liz demanded, pushing Max off of her and getting to her feet. She walked up to El and poked her in the chest. “Max is a wonderful person, and all you do is criticize him!”

El’s eyes narrowed. “We had enough problems,” she smacked Liz’s hand away, “before you came along. It’s hard enough getting enough blood to feed two vampires…but three?”

El gestured towards Max. “I told him not to turn you—but no! You guys have ‘twu wuv’! There’s no way you might be wrong; no way you’ll regret it in a few decades when you’re both sick of looking at each other’s ugly mugs. Neither of you realizes how stupid you’re being, and just because I do, I’m the bitch! Simply put,” she snarled, “I’m pissed off!”

Liz stared at her for a moment. Her hands were beginning to shake again. Max was watching her warily, but El didn’t seem to notice.

Liz bared her teeth, not out of malice, but out of hunger. She leaned towards El, “Are you saying you’re jealous?”

El recoiled as if she had been slapped. She flushed and curled her hands into fists.

“You’re full of it,” she spat.

Liz laughed; high, cold, and a little manic.

“I’m right, aren’t I?” She was rocking on the spot.

Max tried to make eye-contact with El, to warn her that Liz was showing signs of slipping into another frenzy. El’s gaze was fixed on Liz.

“I’m right,” Liz declared smugly.

El reeled back and punched her in the face.

That did it. Liz tackled her opponent to the ground, clamping her jaws around El’s shoulder and drinking deeply. El screamed and grabbed a fistful of Liz’s hair, yanking her head back. With a sticky squelch, Liz’s mouth came free and she squealed like a stuck pig as El bent her over backwards and delivered a quick kidney punch.

As she got up, El made to attack Liz one more time—but Max pulled his girl out of harm’s way just in time.

“Don’t hurt her, El!” he cried, his arm curled protectively around Liz.

El only looked at him.

“So now you cut in, you sonofabitch,” she muttered. On the last word, her voice broke.

Clutching her wounded shoulder, El turned on her heel and retreated into the darkness of the sewer.

Max watched her leave with a heavy heart. She’ll be back, he told himself.

He and Liz spent the rest of the day sleeping there, with his arm around her. When he woke up, the sun had already gone down, and El still hadn’t come back. Max tried not to care, not to worry. She had been wounded pretty badly…

…but there were more pressing matters at hand. Liz was stirring; she sat up with a yawn.

“I’m thirsty,” she said. “Let’s get a drink.”
"Children see magic because they look for it."
- Christopher Moore
  





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Thu May 12, 2011 12:46 pm
Soulkana says...



Hello,

Hey looks like I'll be your reviewer today!!! Yay!!! Haha. Anyways I really loved this...nice description ^^ It was rather short but then again it did have a word limit XD. Oh well it was a wonderful read. I say maybe you should add more to this it would make a wonderful plot to keep going...if you want ^^. Anyways I loved this and I can't wait to read more of your works later today. I don't see anything wrong grammar wise nor anything particularly missing from here, so I can't be much help in that. But I thought it was nice and Keep up the good work. Buenas Suerte and Best of wishes. Sayonara...
Soulkana<3
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Fri May 13, 2011 12:37 am
halogirl4197 says...



VERY GOOD! I loved it! You should make a series of this! :)
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Sat May 14, 2011 6:08 pm
captain.classy says...



Hi there!

Yeah for a vampire story (I'm not a big fan of them. Like the rest of the world, Twilight ruined if for me. xD) this is really good! I think you captured the turning with wonderful detail, to how Liz was feeling to how she was acting. I also really like the love triangle thing, something that's abused in Twilight. You did is subtly, but it was still deep enough for me to pity El, and wish that Max would run after her and leave his psycho new vampire love behind.

But then I thought: I don't know what Liz is like when she's not crazy off of hunger, except for that moment you give after she was sucking her own blood, but that's not enough for me to feel bad. What you need to do is show me some scenes before she was changed, probably a flashback of Max's. If you do this, I'll be able to pity her, Max, and decide if Max choosing Liz is better than El, or what! It's very important in stories based primarily on love to let the reader choose who they should end up with; it makes them get into the story more.

fledglings


You should probably explain what these are in the story. It sounds like something you made up, but I can't be entirely sure. It might be some sort of vampire slang that readers would only understand if they've read other vampire stories, which I really haven't. You want to make sure your story appeals to all sorts of audiences, not just those typical Twi-hard lovers. xD

Like I said before, I think you did a wonderful job. Keep writing!

Classy
  





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Sat May 14, 2011 6:23 pm
Redfang18 says...



Excellent story. I am a huge fan of vampires (of any kind, if you're curious) and just love this story. Maybe you could write me in a sequal story of this. I wouldn't care if you made me a male or female, just don't make me a real badass character. Those are beyound my dark side's limit. Other than that, I suggest you keep writing.
Look down and show some mercy if you can.
Look down, look down, upon your fellow man.

~~~Les Miserables
  





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Sun May 22, 2011 2:56 pm
TaylaChase says...



Wow, this is really good. I don't really have much to say that could help, but I just wanted to say I liked it. I'm not really into vampires, but this is an exception.
Anyway, even with a word limit you still did a great job with character development and dialogue. The plot wasn't very clear to me, but I guess with a word limit it can be kind of difficult. You could probably do a little more with description, but then again, the word limit makes it difficult.
Anyway, great job, I wish I could write like that :) Good Luck
A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new.
~Albert Einstein

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I am the author of my life. Unfortunately I'm writing in pen and I can't erase my mistakes. . .
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Sun May 22, 2011 4:01 pm
apple96 says...



I love it and definately think there should be a sequal/trilogy/however many you really want to write! I really liked the developement of the relationships between the characters. Well Done! I really really want to read more now :)
'Are you saying Ni to that old woman?'
'Yes'
'Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say Ni at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land, nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress in this period in history'
  





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Wed May 25, 2011 12:23 pm
Reedo121 says...



I really like this short story. You should really make a sequel to this.

Keep writing, please!!
  





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Thu May 26, 2011 1:53 am
cookEmonster says...



I loved it! hahah I was so engrossed! I was like, NOOOO!!! when it ended.
You should really consider making this as a series! It'd be pretty good!! (:
Well, I hope you will and that you'll write it soon!!! :D

-CookEmonster
To accept life is to accept the fate it comes with- we were born to die.
So why not make the best of what we've been given with the short time we have on earth?
I like to live every day to it's fullest. (: And writing helps me do that...
  





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Sun May 29, 2011 12:39 am
SisterItaly says...



Let's skip the friendly introductions and get on with the review, shall we?

Nitpicks

“D’you think it’ll be enough?”

“No.”

“I don’t know what I’ll do if something goes wrong.”

“Relax, Max. Hey, that rhymed!”


I've just started nitpicking, and I already found something I don't like. The lack of an opening description, and not-knowing who is talking. For all the readers know, it could be a rooster from Neptune talking to a three eyed fish.

That had all changed a few hours ago when Maxwell Brede—vampire, friend, and lover—had bitten her so that he could keep her forever.


If he's her lover, then why would he do that to her? Being a vampire is a horrible and painful life, and wanting to keep her forever sounds rather selfish, like she didn't have a say in the matter.

“Shhhsh!”


Shush, or Shh. Not Shhhsh.

She’ll be back, he told himself.


'She'll be back,' he told himself.

He and Liz spent the rest of the day sleeping there, with his arm around her.


What happened to her intense frenzies? Surely they can't just stop like that. It makes no sense.

Overall...

I'm not a big fan of vampires, so I'll try not to be biased. The ending was a little rushed, and a word limit is no excuse in my opinion. You could have cut out a lot of the banter at the beginning, or in fact wrote a real beginning. I hope you get a good grade on this, keep on writing!

~Em
"Even in the end --even in death-- I can't hate you." - Neri Hereford's last words.

"The Gods demand blood, for they... do not bleed." Jaska.

The Book.
  





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Mon May 30, 2011 7:56 pm
Chelsea4827 says...



This is good stuff! You should really carry it on!

Chels :) x
In faith there is enough light for those who want to believe and enough shadows to blind those who don't. -- Blaise Pascal
  





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Tue May 31, 2011 2:53 am
GryphonFledgling says...



Hello!

I'mma have to agree with SisterItaly: Word count isn't an excuse for rushing. If it takes consolidation or cutting, fine, but make the story fit the word limit. I liked this a lot, but it really felt more like the beginning to something bigger as opposed to a self-contained story.

Now, ignoring the word-limit for the sake of reviewing:

I would have liked to have seen the relationships here before Liz was changed. The unrequited relationship between Max and El, Liz and Max's love, etc. etc. Did Liz know what she was getting into when she was changed? I'm assuming Max asked, seeing as how she doesn't seem to be too upset with him. Did she know El before this? Did she know the two of them were vampires? I just would have liked to have seen these relationships before they were strained by the change here. As is, since we're seeing them under stress, no one is appearing at their best moments. Max seems kind of wishy-washy and indecisive, El seems a bit harsh (even if her points are valid, she's still being harsh) and Liz is just sort of all over the place. Each of these could be explained in context, but without seeing them in other situations, we have no choice but to assume that this is how they are all the time.

I liked the dialogue here. They sounded like real people having an argument, which added a lot to their realism. Instead of being "vampires", they were just ordinary folks who happened to suck blood for their sustenance. It added a lot to the story, showing that they could have stressful moments too. Very nice and trending away from the romanticism of the blood-sucking folk.

I liked this, but I really do think it suffered for how short it was. It felt like it wanted to be bigger and was sort of chopped in half to make it the right length, as opposed to always having been meant to be that length.

Feel free to drop me a line if you have any questions!

~GryphonFledgling
I am reminded of the babe by you.
  





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Tue May 31, 2011 1:41 pm
blackstar says...



The same thing as others, you should make a sequel.
The story seems unfinished. Even if the writer makes the impression that there might be something more, it doesn't exactly seem "Unfinished". It sort leaves a... I don't know the word... Maybe, confusion. 'Is it done?' 'Is it not done?' 'Will there be a sequel?' , that's the kind of thought that occurs in the readers head. But in my head, 'Is it really done?...'
I am a fan of vampires, not a huge fan or anything, just a fan. It's mostly because I have the kind of teeth that can be called 'Small fangs' I like saying that I am a half vampire. I really like reading stories, no matter what it's about as long as it is a good one. And yours was good. All you need to do is to work the ending, and-in my opinion-it'll be great!!
  





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Fri Jun 03, 2011 12:51 am
DarkShadow says...



i think this story was absoluetly awesome and i'm curious to see what happened to El obviously i think you should make it into a series because it really is good :)
"A book comes and says, 'Write me.' My job is to try to serve it to the best of my ability, which is never good enough, but all i can do is listen to it, do what it tells me and collaborate." -Madeleine L'engle
  








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