I think that was good! The poem had a kind of melody, a sad one. I especially loved how you repeated those words.It kind of created a link between the lines and made it quite meaningful and synchronized.
World that I can't understand
That was just a small correction. And, also I think you can use some more punctuation in the poem to make it more meaningful, you see.
I want to rest Rest in place of peace Peace until eternity Eternity, do not wake me
You better use "in a place" over there. Otherwise, the sentence construction seems wrong. Well, I won't go about scrutinizing your poem. I liked it. The melancholy, the desire was expressed well. Keep writing. Keep improving! Well done, VergielynHolmes!
Imperfection is beauty, Madness is genius, And it's better to be absolutely ridiculous Than to be absolutely boring...
Thank you night writer..you know when you are in pain or even any other emotion there are no boundaries on what you can write..from the most rusty cliche to the purist one..Thanks again <3 Verg
I hate to be honest with you...but this is the first poem of yours I have read. I know, you were expecting me to be negative right? Well, no reason to. I loved every line of it. I particularly loved how you rounded the whole thing off in the end of the last stanza. Great work, and I will definetely be reading a lot more of your work.
I never used to give star ratings until October, so lucky you! Superb work verg!
4.5/5 stars (only because it was so good I think an extra stanza would be awesome!)
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Adam + Lisa ♥
When you greet a stranger look at his shoes. Keep your money in your shoes.
Nice. It should be 'rests' in the last line of the first stanza, but I can see why it isn't, here. Dunno how I feel about that. As said before, this has a really good sad rhythm to it... I can feel the speaker's soul in the lines. I don't think you should change a thing, personally, unless you want to add way more to it and go for pages. Keep writing!
Formerly 'ilyaeelz.' Others experiment with drugs. I experiment with punctuation and grammar.
"Research your own experiences for the truth, absorb what is useful, reject what is useless, add what is specifically your own." - Bruce Lee
I like this.As far as I can tell the other reviewer covered everything! One thing though. I felt this would have flowed better with punctuation. Just my opinion. Sorry for the short review!!
~Dmari
Know that she's back in the atmosphere I'm afraid that she'll think of me as a plain old Jain told a story 'bout a man who was to afraid to fly so he never did land. ~Train
Unfortunately, this is the first piece of yours that I have read. Now because I'm an evil pain in the (censored), I'll start with what I don't like about it.
Since that's out of the way, what parts I do like. I want a sleep Sleep in deep Deep in the darkness Darkness where my soul rest
Rest from a heartless world World of pain untold Untold the misery that lies Lies in my eyes
Eyes that are ice cold Cold as this dark world World that I can't understand Understand how life ran
I want to rest Rest in a place of peace Peace until eternity Eternity, do not wake me
well you could instead of using rest two times, replace the first rest with repose or slumber,or dream i think that dream would be a better fit in the last stanza with "i want to dream dream OF a place place of peace and eternity eternity, do not wake me"
Too often we crave the extraordinary in life, without even learning how to cherish the ordinary first.
Friend, I promise you this: if you can learn to take joy in the simple mundane things in life, the extraordinary will take care of itself, it'll be on its way, hurrying towards you. But if you skip the first part, it'll ever evade you. — Arcticus
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