Young Writers Society

I've tasted of what's holy
but like five minutes at the end of the tunnel it didn't last
and now I've found an errant gypsy soul, you
you are the smell of rain, the snap of desert air
like something precious I want to pin down
with ink and metaphors and slipping ambition
but I can't anymore, you've given me my ride into the sunset
I'm blazing with the light of incredulity because you are mine

I like it.
This poem was tricky to read, in a sense, because until the last few lines I could not place the 'plot,' as it were. But the way you tied your narrative together is wonderful. Your early lines slip from the possibly religious into the squarely spiritual, and from there into the generally figurative. Your metaphor seems disappointingly general, but then you casually mention why without sounding explanatory:

... I want to pin down / ... / but I can't anymore

Your enjambment and pausing (using only commas for punctuation here makes for a bit of an unnecessary puzzle in figuring out the spacing/breath of the poem) is simple and occasionally questionable, but it works. Each line answers or echoes the previous one while gradually revealing the story.
Perhaps the most winning aspect of this is the tone and pacing: the speaker feels sincere and casual, yet still intense. In such lines as the fourth, I could 'see' the speaker's subject by the earnestness of the description, ambiguous as it was. My only concern is that, being so ambiguous, you might stumble here and there into cliche; however, such a thing is easily fixed if you've the inclination to agree and fix it.

Wonderful piece - keep writing!

Hey there S.S. Rose!

Now, there is one major, major thing that is most noticeable that is lacking from your poem. Punctuation.

A punctuation mark can actually change an entire sentence's meaning. Take for example, this sentence: The panda eats leaves, and rests.
The sentence says the panda eats the leaves, and then he rests. With some punctuation, it can become: The panda eats, leaves, and rests.
Now, the sentence says the panda eats, then he takes his leave, and after that he rests. A punctuation can not only change the meaning of your sentence, but also give a bit more meaning to it.

So, here is where I think you should add your punctuation. Of course, it can be completely different from where I've placed it since it's your choice.

S.S. Rose wrote:I've tasted of what's holy,
but like five minutes at the end of the tunnel, it didn't last.
And now I've found an errant gypsy soul. you
You are the smell of rain, the snap of desert air,
like something precious I want to pin down
with ink and metaphors and slipping ambition.
But I can't anymore, you've given me my ride into the sunset,
I'm blazing with the light of incredulity because you are mine.

Now, the blue marks the areas I think you have added unnecessary words, and I think you should remove those.

Overall, I did like your poem, but the last couple of lines confused me. The entire poem had some kind of flow to it, but this line:

but I can't anymore, you've given me my ride into the sunset
I'm blazing with the light of incredulity because you are mine

It kind of ruined the whole thing for me, and confused me a little. Could you clear that up for me sometime?

Other than that, I actually really liked it. Your descriptions were well-written and I'm quite happy with that.

Keep it up!
-TwistedMuffins.