Young Writers Society

(working title)

The garden swing made of wines;
I flit between then and now
trying to hold onto those ephemeral
things.
To sing the song you wrote for me
faltering, I can hardly breathe
as a star falls across the sky,
shining.
Words, between violet velvet
trimmed with red and gold;
these are simply a collector's
things.

Lava!

So, I think the real danger for this poem lies in using "these are a few of my favorite things" as a title - your poem isn't a list (or cataloging or anything), and it doesn't feel substantial enough to me to hold up on it's own. The song reference inspires a reader (at least this one) to look for some form of a listing, be it ironic or literal of whathaveyou. Plus, in my head I then expect the poem to be set in the same rhythm as the song, and it's definitely not, so I find that bit rather jarring - but that's definitely a stylistic preference.

With what I see here, I think you could do a lot more if you explore the idea of "a collector's things," rather than dealing with "favorite" for your narrator.

That aside, there's a few structural things you could play with, such as matching the line "trying to hold onto those ephemeral/things" to "as a star falls across the sky,/shining," by making the first one "trying to hold onto those things,/ephemeral."

Granted, it doesn't really work with the last few lines, but I think you've hit on something with the idea of a collector's things, and that could be expanded and played upon.

On a related note, I'd love to see what you took out of this poem - you have some bits that you can expand and play with, and you could have some real gems from what you pulled out - as this stands, though, I don't feel that you have enough meat to give the poem substance.

If you return to this, good luck! I've been having an awful time with my own poetry lately, so more kudos to you for sharing a project you've been struggling with!

Hey Licious!

I feel like I told you I'd look at this! And as it's reviewing challenge time it's clearly as good a time as any. Now, I've read over Nah's review and she brings up some good points about collections. I'd rather talk about expansion, though.

In a general sense you have some very lovely lines which I rather like. They've got a good, sweet voice that references well to the musical. However, you're missing some content. I'd like to see a little more context fleshed out in this? You're not writing a story for us, exactly, I think you're giving us some snapshots of a life, and it's almost working. Including a couple more collectible things - as Nah suggested - would probably flesh this out a little more. The poem feels VERY summery, which is nice but probably unnecessary, would you be able to include some darker, maybe rusty, images in the the ones you have here? This won't be viable if they're not collectible or some of your narrator's favourite things, but it's something to consider.

I think I agree on changing the title. I'd probably slip in a stars reference of some kind. Space or time or baubles or something as flighty but strong in imagery. You've got some quick references here that could be much more effective with a little more explanation or expansion. The allusion to points in time and events is done well, I'd not change these so much except to add to the overall cohesion of the piece. It feels disjointed because it's neither a list or a traditional poem. Find the medium and you'll work this out just fine.

Any queries and you know where to find me.

- Penguin

Good day, Lexis! Al here, to say that I have a lot of favorite things. And one of them is giving a Quick Critique! So now, let me give you one!

Concept & Theme:
The working title fits the poem, by, well, a bit. I thought it was a lengthy one. As in like a list or an order of those favorite things. But it actually wasn't. I really liked its present length, though. I think it's quite satisfying. If I got it right, it was meant to release this tiny bliss and short joy that we feel when we admire our most favorite things. I got this quickly, even though there was quite a confusion on the working title, so you'll get a good meter in this area!

Technicalities:
I think there are no major confusions done to me by the poem. One of the very concerns I have is the dangle you made at each end.

The garden swing made of wines;
I flit between then and now
trying to hold onto those ephemeral
things.

The ephemeral things didn't do a great effect, for me, of course, as a reader myself, but I don't know with the others. This also happened on the rest of the verses. If you'd try to read it out loud, it would sound a bit awkward. So try to check up on that. Also, 'swing made of wines' made no sense to me. I don't know, maybe its a new term or something, so just check up on that.

Imagery:
I really felt the emotion of your poem...
But I think it lacks a bit more of imagery. Adding more 'color' and other descriptive words, in my belief, can add a very great amount of richness into your work. If not, then a bit of structure interchanging can do the trick!

Overall:
This is such a good read! Just do a little fixer-upper and you can get it publishin'!

Signin' out,
Al