Young Writers Society

Whe the rain come down
When all my fears drown

I see tyhe rainbow of your soule
I hear you wisper:"you're not sole"

Whenever I dive in pain
Whenever I do complane

I raise my hands and pray
That you can find your ray

If it's day, or it's night
I know you're there,to share my fight

Every morning I see the sun
whenever I don't, I'll know you're gone

Either it's automn, or it's winter
I'm not afrade; coz you're my sheltter

Hey aseel!

Your poem was really meaningful and beautiful. It was a good read, but you had a lot of spelling mistakes and the punctuation wasn't used at some places or if it was used, it was wrong. Also, your rhyming seemed a little forced.

When the rain comes down,
When all my fears drown,

I see tyhe rainbow of in your soule,
I hear you whisper,"You're not sole."

So, until this part it was good, besides the errors. But then, in the dialogue, when you say "You're not sole." you're probably trying to rhyme, and that's what I mean when I say the rhyme seems forced. As such, "sole" isn't used for people. It's used when you're trying to talk about just one thing like, "the sole right of a person". "Sole" doesn't exactly mean "alone", and that's what I think you were trying to say here. You could change that. (EDIT: Yeah! You could use the French sentence! It sounds nice like that! )

Whenever I dive in pain,
Whenever I do complane complain,

I raise my hands and pray,
That you can find your ray.

Here, I've put "ray" in bold because I'm not sure if you really meant "ray" or if you meant "way". Though, I think "way" is better.

If it's day, or if it's night,
I know you're there,(Leave a space here)to share my fight.

Now, "to share my fight" doesn't actually make sense. You can replace it with something like "I know you're there, to help me fight." And. "to share my fight" doesn't make sense because sharing your fight with someone makes it sound like you're fighting against them. That's what it sounds like to me, at least. But, maybe it does make sense. :/

Every morning I see the sun,
whenever I don't, I'll know you're gone.

Either it's autoumn, or it's winter,
I'm not afrade afraid; coz because you're my sheltter

Besides that, your poem was really good. I especially love the ending. It sums up what you're trying to say, and it's just.... Beautiful. <3 Great poem!

~HPR~

Hi HarryPotterRocks

Thank you very much for your post. You were really helpful, especially with spelling mistakes. I don't know how I missed all that, but it happens when we are in a hurry, doen't it?


Whenever I dive in pain,
Whenever I do complane complain,

I raise my hands and pray,
That you can find your ray.


Here, I've put "ray" in bold because I'm not sure if you really meant "ray" or if you meant "way". Though, I think "way" is better.

I can consider that, but when I said "ray" I ment it. Here I wish he can find his guiding light not "his way"; that's why I used "ray".

When the rain comes down,
When all my fears drown,

I see tyhe rainbow of in your soule,
I hear you whisper,"You're not sole."


So, until this part it was good, besides the errors. But then, in the dialogue, when you say "You're not sole." you're probably trying to rhyme, and that's what I mean when I say the rhyme seems forced. As such, "sole" isn't used for people. It's used when you're trying to talk about just one thing like, "the sole right of a person". "Sole" doesn't exactly mean "alone", and that's what I think you were trying to say here. You could change that."

I see! I find this new for me, I thought it means "alone". But that's not a problem, it could be switched with a verse in french. I can say: "I hear you whisper," Tu n'est pas seul".

If it's day, or if it's night,
I know you're there,(Leave a space here)to share my fight.

Now, "to share my fight" doesn't actually make sense. You can replace it with something like "I know you're there, to help me fight."

Why doesn't it make sense? What I want to say is, "I know you're there to fight with me, to struggle with me" not only "help me fighting". If I'm still wrong, maybe you can make it clearer for me.

Either it's autumn, or it's winter,
I'm not afraid; because you're my shelter

How will it be if I make it;
"I am not afraid; because you are my shelter"?


So it will be like this,

When the rain comes down,
When all my fears drown,

I see the rainbow in your soule,
I hear you whisper,"Tu n'est pas seul"

Whenever I dive in pain,
Whenever I do complain,

I raise my hands and pray,
That you can find your ray.

If it's day, or if it's night,
I know you're there, to share my fight.

Either it's autumn, or it's winter,
I am not afraid; because you are my shelter

What do you think?

EDIT: Thanx again

I see! I find this new for me, I thought it means "alone".

Not quite. "Alone" is a state of being, while "sole" is a description of a state. "Sole" is actually closer to "lone" in both usage and meaning.

When all my fears drown,

"When my fears all drown," sounds a little better since it more closely matches the stress patterns of the first line.

I see the rainbow in your soul,
I hear you whisper,"Tu n'est pas seul(.)"

Without the period at the end, this stanza runs into the next one, which makes it sound strange because the rhythm changes with "whenever". Having the period there makes it a bit easier to see straightaway that this stanza is separate from the next one.

I raise my hands and pray,
That you can find your ray.

Of light. If it's day, or if it's night,
I know you're there, to share my fight

The blue is a suggestion to make it clearer that "ray" is deliberate, and it also evens out the rhythm of the second-last stanza. One of the nice things about poetry is that you don't have to always break lines at natural pauses.

The comma I've crossed out because it's not grammatically correct. It's a bit difficult to explain exactly why, but this site has a lot of good explanations and examples. Their article on comma usage should be pretty helpful.

Either it's autumn, or it's winter(.)
I am not afraid; because you are my shelter(.)

Semicolons separate two independent clauses. The easiest way to check if a clause is independent or dependent is to see if it stands alone as a proper sentence. If it does stand alone, it's independent, otherwise it's dependent. "Because you are my shelter" is a dependent clause, so a comma would be more appropriate.

You could also omit "because" and keep the semicolon. Personally, I'd go with this option as it evens up the syllable count between the two lines in this stanza.

Kylloras,

Thanx for the reply. It is helpfull, indeed.

When all my fears drown,

"When my fears all drown," sounds a little better since it more closely matches the stress patterns of the first line.

That's apoint, but I find it lighter when I say: "When all my fears drown".

I raise my hands and pray,
That you can find your ray.

Of light. If it's day, or if it's night,
I know you're there, to share my fight


The blue is a suggestion to make it clearer that "ray" is deliberate, and it also evens out the rhythm of the second-last stanza.

In this case I prefer using the word "way" as HarryPotterRocks said.

You could also omit "because" and keep the semicolon.

A good idea. It even sounds better.
Thanx alot.