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A First Attempt



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Tue Mar 04, 2008 11:24 pm
JabberHut says...



*shyly looks around the poetry section*

It's like moving to a new country, I swear...

Ay-nee-way, I've been challenged to try this very frightening (I think) part of literature known as Poetry. You may or may not have heard of it.. Go easy on me. :wink:

A First Attempt

Here I sit with pen in hand
To write a poem oh-so grand.
I sing and snooze,
I mull and muse,
Yet, alone, no thought can stand.

I once thought poetry was fun,
Or so said my father’s son.
The blank paper I see
Keeps glaring at me—
I’ll never get this poem done.

For insight, I observe my room—
Dolls, books, a flower in bloom.
No thought comes to mind—
My insight must be blind—
For I’m left with no poem, but gloom.

I moan and groan and pull my hair,
For my brother lied—oh, how’d he dare!
No poem I’d write,
No matter the night;
I’ll never write again, I swear.

I dotted my i’s and crossed my t’s.
Don’t ask me to write another, please.
My rhythm’s off
And so I scoff—
Poetry I’d write forever, I tease.

I throw my pen atop the table
To read this poem (if I was able).
I cringe, I cry,
Yet deep inside,
My talent was there, a bit unstable.

I share my work with friends galore
For all their comments, I implore.
They read and were pleased
With this opportunity I seized;
I was anxious to write some more.

So here I sit with pen in hand
To write a poem even more grand.
I sing and snooze,
I mull and muse
Until a poem, alone, could stand.
Last edited by JabberHut on Wed Mar 05, 2008 8:58 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Tue Mar 04, 2008 11:34 pm
yoha_ahoy says...



O.O Jabby! This is freaking brilliant! I must say, if this poem says what you feel about poetry now, you are utterly and completely wrong about yourself, because I swear, this is one of the best poems I have ever read on this site!! Not just this site... EVER!! The rhyme and meter is spot on. I have no complaints what-so-ever. Keep trying poetry! Please?! Do it for me! Do it for you! :D

~Yoyo 8)
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Tue Mar 04, 2008 11:38 pm
Blue Fairy says...



whoah this poem is soooooooo good jabb :D

I love it!!
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Wed Mar 05, 2008 12:14 am
BigBadBear says...



Hya Jabs! What's up? Diving into poetry is really scary. Especially with Brad lurking around... ;)

To write a poem, oh-so grand.


May I suggest a comma tonight?

This opportunity I seized;


I don't know if I'm reading this right, but maybe change it to, "With this opportunity I seized."?
So here I sit, with pen in hand


I love commas. You don't... hehe

Wow! Jabber! That was brilliant! I mean, for your first poem! I always feel like that... but it never comes out right. XD Great job! I've always tried to write a poem... about writing a poem. And now you've succeeded! Congrats!

-Jared
Just write -- the rest of life will follow.

Would love help on this.
  





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Wed Mar 05, 2008 12:45 am
OverEasy says...



I really really love this, it was.... well it was brilliant. Keep up the good work. That's all I can say.
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Wed Mar 05, 2008 8:07 am
Snoink says...



Hahaha, slightly repetitious, but it's cute! And I like the metering. But just in case, I just want to note that you don't have to rhyme everything. That's a misconception I had when I first came into poetry, but it's wrong.

Even so, nice stuff! :D
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

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Wed Mar 05, 2008 2:42 pm
Emerson says...



Jabs, this is ultra cute!

I throw my pen atop the table
To read this poem (if I was able).
I cringe, I cry,
Yet deep inside,
My talent was there, a bit unstable.
"a bit unstable" doesn't seem to flow with this stanza. I thought it might be a meter problem but after a few go overs, the meter works out... So I'm not sure what is causing it. Try reading it out loud. This might be just be, but it doesn't flow right.

For insight, I observe my room—
Dolls, books, a flower to bloom.
"a flower to bloom" is really strange, but you could easily change it to "a flower in bloom" and no meter is harmed, and it makes more sense!

I share my work with friends galore[comma--not semicolon]
For all their comments, I implore.


For a first try, this was real cute! I prefer deeper poems, but not everything needs to be deep to be good. Snoink has a point: you don't always have to rhyme. But if you're rhyming in a way like this, where it is cute and doesn't make me want to pull out my hair, then it's wonderful. Please, continue to write poetry. ^_^ I want to see what beautiful combinations of words you can write!
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Wed Mar 05, 2008 9:10 pm
GryphonFledgling says...



I liked it. It sounds like me and poetry. Not exactly my preferred style of writing...

But you did a fantastic job here. You had a great rhythm going and your rhymes were really great. I second Snoink in that you don't have to rhyme all the time in poetry, but your rhymes were great. Often they feel forced or awkward, but you picked some excellent words there...

Fantastic job, Jabbers! You put my first attempts to shame!

*applause*

~GryphonFledgling
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Thu Mar 06, 2008 1:47 am
Teh Wozzinator says...



Wow... *moan*... you got a featured work on your first try.

Amazing.

I don't have any edits... this was really good.

It was a little bit quirky, which is why it isn't exactly my kind of poem (I prefer writing more serious, realistic, problematic poems... with a couple more comedic poems). But it's really good.

I... don't... believe... this! XD You put a bunch of "experienced" poets to shame here. (Aka, me... I've written quite a few poems, but they aren't that good.)

Keep writing!

Teh Wozzinator
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Thu Mar 06, 2008 2:00 am
Adnamarine says...



You are brilliant! And this was your first poem? I wish my first poem was half as good as this! I love this kind of poetry.

*applause*

Keep writing poetry!


*adna*
"Half the time the poem writes me." ~Meshugenah
  





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Fri Mar 07, 2008 9:47 pm
kittykat says...



And you said this was a like a new country to you? This was brilliant! You should really keep writing poems!

*applause*

-kittykat
Our happiness here is all vain glory,
This false world is but transitory,
The flesh is weak, the Fiend is slee
Timor mortis conturbat me.
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Sat Mar 08, 2008 12:42 pm
aestar101 says...



That brought out the blood sweat and tears that comes with writing. I can see that you are channeling some angst :D :D. Nice Job.
Character is what you have left when you've lost everything you can lose. - Evan Esar
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Sun Mar 09, 2008 6:34 pm
SimonCowellLuver says...



Wow Jab! This poem is great. I don't have really anything else to say but it was excellent. Good Job. Keep Up The Good Work!!

SimonCowellLuver
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Mon Mar 31, 2008 7:35 am
mizz-iceberg says...



I've been reading you work Jabber, I have to say it's quite fun.
I love your poems!!
KEEP WRITING!!!!
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Mon Apr 07, 2008 9:32 pm
RandomGrrl says...



Cute cute cute, Jabber! Nice and light, not like some poetry (I'm such a hypocrite, just posted like the saddest poem I've written... well, sad for me...). I really enjoyed it, and it leaves me with a strong sense of satisfaction. Nice work!
  








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