Young Writers Society

Panic

Bones throbbing as
blood drums against veins in a frenzy,
unsure (like the rest of your body)
where it is or what it's supposed
to be doing—
thoughts perfectly clear(ly going in a circle);
the merry-go-round of repetition
stops with lucidity and resumes
with adrenaline (maybe without hormones
it would be possible to escape)

if only science were breakable
just this once.

~

Consumerism

Get used to looking tired cause
that's how the world works in
its demand for perfection that can
not be accomplished in 12 or 14 or
20 hours a day—

Supply feeds demand and it's
your job to make sure both are
met without fail. Too much stock?
Sell it without a moment's pause
just to make sure we're all on
the same level of having
something to reach for without
really knowing what it is.

Caffeine fuels life's highway—
Ready to fill up?

Bones hurting as I'd replace 'hurting' with another synonym
blood drums against veins in a frenzy, relate able
unsure (like the rest of your body)
where it is or what it's supposed
to be doing—
thoughts perfectly clear(ly going in a circle); clever
the merry-go-round of repetition
stops with lucidity and resumes 'lucidity' is a good word
with adrenaline (maybe without hormones Eh, when you say hormones I think about puberty. I don't think that's the kind of adrenaline you're talking about, heh
it would be possible to escape)

if only science were breakable Great ending.
just this once.

~

Consumerism

Get used to looking tired cause
that's how the world works in
its demand for perfection that can
not be accomplished in 12 or 14 or
20 hours a day—

Supply feeds demand and it's
your job to make sure both are
Met without fail. Too much stock?
Sell it without a moment's pause I don't really understand the 'too much stock' part. I've never epirienced someone being that rash with their stock. The wording is beautiful, though.
just to make sure we're all on
the same level of having
something to reach for without
really knowing what it is.

Caffeine fuels life's highway—
Ready to fill up? I feel like inserting a 'you' in front of 'ready' would be more catchy and in character with the rest of the poem. But it's all up to your preference.


Very nice, I really had to think about my nit picks, there weren't very many.

Hi Rosey!

What can I say? I really, absolutely adore these poems. The rhythm and flow are very nice. I read them twice because it was so good. :p The first poem reminds me *vaguely* of e.e. cummings, because of his casual use of different punctuation, but rather than a stanza of question marks, you convey something a bit more concrete, which is great. The only nitpick I have is maybe finding a better word for "hurting." It's a little weak and kind of sticks out since the rest of your poem is so strong. As for Consumerism, I've got nothing. That one is just lovely.

Also, "thoughts perfectly clear(ly going in a circle) kind of made my morning. I dunno, it's just one of my favorite lines. :]

I know this wasn't helpful, but these two don't need much "help."

Amazing job!
Sporks

These poems were both very sophisticated, and really captured life, I think. In particular Consumerism. I especially liked the line "Caffiene fuels life's highway" It really puts across the message.

Rosey Unicorn wrote:Get used to looking tired cause
that's how the world works in
its demand for perfection that can
not be accomplished in 12 or 14 or
20 hours a day—

This part of the poem seems a little rambly, perhaps the lines are a little to long? You might want to take that with a pinch of salt though, since I never write poems with particulary long lines.

Rosey Unicorn wrote:unsure (like the rest of your body)
where it is or what it's supposed
to be doing—
thoughts perfectly clear(ly going in a circle);
the merry-go-round of repetition

I love this part of Panic. The kind of grace you put into the panic, really excellent.

Overall, verygood poem. Keep writing!

Skorp.

I find this wonderful, particularly the grammatical treat that is line six of "Panic."

The only weak point readily apparent to me is the second line of "Consumerism." It is rarely that I find a line ending in
'in' to be workable, and this is not one of those times. I would move "its demand" up from the next line and really make
the poem look a bit more lovely and nicely enjambed.


Overall, loved the two pieces, more in the same vein could be cool, keep writing!