z

Young Writers Society


the destruction of OCS



User avatar
413 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 11009
Reviews: 413
Thu Oct 27, 2011 10:42 pm
Cailey says...



Spoiler! :
Ok, so my poem is a parody of Lord George Gordon Byron's poem, the Destruction of Senacherib. (I hope I spelled that right.) We had to memorize it for school so of course I had to go rewrite it as the Destruction of OCS (the initials of my school.) Here's the original:

The Assyrian came down like the wolf on the fold,
And his cohorts were gleaming in purple and gold;
And the sheen of their spears was like stars on the sea,
When the blue wave rolls nightly on deep Galilee.

Like the leaves of the forest when summer is green,
That host with their banners at sunset were seen:
Like the leaves of the forest when autumn hath blown,
That host on the morrow lay withered and strown.

For the Angel of Death spread his wings on the blast,
And breathed in the face of the foe as he passed:
And the eyes of the sleepers waxed deadly and chill,
And their hearts but once heaved, and for ever grew still!

And there lay the steed with his nostrils all wide,
But through it there rolled not the breath of his pride:
And the foam of his gasping lay white on the turf,
And cold as the spray of the rock-beating surf.

And there lay the rider distorted and pale,
With the dew on his brow and the rust on his mail;
And the tents were all silent, the banners alone,
The lances unlifted, the trumpet unblown.

And the widows of Ashur are loud in their wail,
And the idols are broke in the temple of Baal;
And the might of the Gentile, unsmote by the sword,
Hath melted like snow in the glance of the Lord!


Now mine:
The airplane came down like a bomb on the wind,
And it's wings were all gleaming from beginning to end;
And the gleam of its gun was like beams of a jeep
When the bright lights awaken those who were asleep.

Like a storm in the nighttime when hail falls like rain,
The sound of the bullets drove students insane:
Like the storm in the nighttime when lightning bolts scream,
The death in the schoolyard ran out like a stream.

For the eagle of metal soared down to the last,
And into the wall of the office it crashed:
And the screams of the children rang out loud and clear,
And those who were living were silenced by fear!

And there lay the textbooks with pages all torn,
But for these poor victims not one soul did mourn:
And their pages were scattered all over the road,
And each kid rejoiced in their now lessened load.

And there sat computers all broken and crushed,
With the beaping of buttons at once still and hushed;
And the rooms were all empty, the curtains torn down,
The lockers abandoned, the boards smeared with brown.

And the parents of students are filled with despair,
And the only thing left is a single blue chair;
And the tortured old school, that had lasted for years,
Hath been washed away by the guardians' tears!
Last edited by Cailey on Sun Oct 30, 2011 4:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.
A non-writing writer is a monster courting insanity. -Kafka

Look: A Link! https://caijobetweenthepages.wordpress.com/
  





User avatar
23 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1385
Reviews: 23
Thu Oct 27, 2011 11:58 pm
kaylamarie004 says...



I love this poem. It's inspiring and speaks a million stories in just a few stanza's.You speaked your mind perfectly and readers can easily follow what your trying to say. What I didn't like was the less care of some words that should of been capatilized.

like a storm in the nighttime when hail falls like rain,
the sound of the bullets drove students insane:
Like the storm in the nighttime when lightning bolts scream,
the death in the schoolyard ran out like a stream.


As you can see, the start of this new stanza was started with a lower-case "l" when it should have been "Like" instead of "like". However it could have been a typo; but still, things like typo's and misspelling's should be corrected whenever you review it yourself so you can fix it.

Aside from those few errors, this is a really good poem. I'm looking forward to seeing more.
- Kayla
  





User avatar
1634 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 67548
Reviews: 1634
Sun Nov 27, 2011 1:11 pm
Deanie says...



Hi Cailey!

Let me just say this poem was great! The rhyming scheme was perfect and flowed really well. I like reading the original and comparing it to yours. The story in it was great and I am thankful that no one was hurt! It was great poem and I couldn't see any flaws :) which is good.

Great job!

Deanie x
Trust in God and all else follows.

Deanie, dominating the world since it was cool @Pompadour, 2014
Your username reminds me of a hotdog @Stegosaurus, 2015
Tried to make puns out of your username, but every attempt has been Deanied @Candywizard, 2015
  








The best and most beautiful things in the world can not be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart.
— Helen Keller