Young Writers Society

we drift
at the edge
of a body of water
still unnamed in the atlas,
the slouch of serpents
in its innards.

dropped to water
in baptismal pose
we were broken,
the tides as clasped hands
cradling
the bodies of the shipwrecked,
prayers still twisted
in our hair
like salt.

we were curled
like the small tombs of shells
where life once lingered,
a revenant voice in the valves
that cries for the sea—

like our own ancient songs
of that thirst
for consecrated blood,
loosed from a man's flesh
as if in elegy,
our bodies held

in the hand of god.

I learned from my poems and reveiws that stanzas should fit like you would when you say something. If you pause at the end of each stanza, does it sound right? I would use that on my next poem, tips I get like that are real helpful. I love your poem, it's thought-provoking. I like the title, too. It matches your poem. I say keep on writing, you have a gift!

Wow mate...Just wow, I was genuinely moved, it made me think of underground caves, giant eyes, and massive storms, Incredible is a pretty adequate description. Great imagery and masterful flow, I did find the last stanza a tad confusing though, "As in fasting?" I think that's what was said, I didn't exactly get that, perhaps it's because i'm reading this without my morning coffee xD Anyway, I still loved it, keep writing mate, cause i'll see you become famous one day

See, I told you I'd get to this eventually. Thank you for finally posting this.

Alright, dear, I won't crucify you for your weird enjambement since I know you're aware of it but do keep in mind is lessens the experience with the rest of the poem.

dropped to water
in baptismal pose
we were broken,
the tides as clasped hands
cradling
the bodies of the shipwrecked,
prayers still twisted
in our hair
like salt.

This is a beautiful stanza and I feel it's where the strength of your poem lies. The other stanzas seem forced, strained to fit in with your idea. I do realize it takes you a long time to write a poem and that may have an effect on it, but this stanza here is really well contained and the imagery is powerful and relevant in comparison to the following stanza that seems like a weak jab into the air in an attempt to hang onto your reader.

we were curled
like the small tombs of shells
where life once lingered,
a revenant voice in the valves
that cries for the sea—

This stanza's weak when it has the potential to be almost as strong as the stanza above it, but you kill it with "where life once lingered". That line in itself seems to blatantly obvious to your reader because you've said 'tomb' and 'shells' which both imply exactly what you've reiterated. All in all, it immediately seems almost like dumbing your poem down and takes us briefly away from that really strong imagery you had going earlier by making it very concrete and graspable in a boring way.

- fix your freaky enjambment
- recognize the peaks and troughs of your poem and work to emphasize the peaks.
- don't dumb down your poem unintentionally with fruitless reiterations

We can chat about this more.

Kamas