Young Writers Society

Sickly music drifts right through
the ribcages of me and you.
Once covered by our human skin,
now nothing but air lies within.

The weeping willows shriek, poor trees.
They must be watching you and me.
We're spinning faster, twisting sprites
who dance the waltz in the twilight.

All around us, the world writhes
as they recall our wretched lives.
We're detested by human beings.
We fled their world on tombstone wings.

Our bony hands entwine, so bare,
the instruments of black nightmares.
The violins keep scraping, singing,
the wailing tones of harpies screeching.

Dreadful music floats right through
the skeletons of me and you.
Let's dance to music that they hate.
We broke out of our wooden crates.

thats creepy yet nicely put at the same time..... i cant even see something wrong with it
your good at writing. I especially love the first two paragraphs.

X
Hudz

I must agree with Hudz. It is VERY creepy, but then again it's like a pretty sort of creepy, that's also fun at the same time (If that makes any sense at all. haha). I have to say, your use of dark imagery is quite spectacular, and it reminds of something I'd read during Halloween.
Now on to the review.

Our bony hands entwine, so bare,
the instruments of black nightmares.
The violins keep scraping, singing,
the wailing tones of harpies screeching.

I really like this stanza actually. It's just that 'singing' kind of ruins the whole creepy, dark feel of the poem. You start with violins scraping and end with harpies screeching; and, if I'm right, singing is no where near as ugly-sounding than those two things. Singing just off-balances it all.

Dreadful music floats right through
the skeletons of me and you.
Let's dance to music that they hate.
We broke out of our wooden crates.

The ending is really abrupt; it would be good if it was placed somewhere else, but having it as the ending made the flow of the poem stop with a screeching halt, if you know what I mean. I would suggest simply switching the last two lines. Something like:

We broke out of our wooden crates.
Now let's dance to music that they hate.

...Or, well, something like that. But then again, the wooden crates line doesn't really fit in to that stanza, or perhaps that's just me. Haha. XD Otherwise, I really enjoyed it! It flowed smoothly and I could tell that it was fun for you to write!
Keep them coming!

~theLockedLibrary

Hey, creativity!

The dark tone of the poem really sets the mood from the first line. You've managed to use some great rhyming here and I simply love the entire context of the poem. You've got a great taste for words and they are all used effectively to add to the cringe that this poem gives me.

I love the story about the seemingly undead souls and the persona's disregard for the world outside. It's almost philosophical even, and urges my mind to ponder over the various facts of life. I don't think this poem needs any retouching or correcting since I feel it's really good as it is. This is quite a read for me and I've enjoyed reading every word.

Thanks for sharing and keep the ink flowing

Murtuza