Young Writers Society

I love you, you love me
Together we’ll build a loving tree
Where we can love and laugh and be free
But hold on a second, I have to pee

Back! I hope you still love me as I love you!
Because this love is deep; this love is true
I’ve never wanted to strangle someone as much as you

But we’re still in love despite that fact
I await your visceral, agonizing death
I sleep at night with bated breath
For your eventual and sudden demise
But I can see in your eyes the care and compassion you have
And wonder why you still aren’t split into halves
Like a nutshell, except you’re going to hell

I want to spread my arms and embrace you
In the process I hope to asphyxiate you
I wish to soar the skies with you too
And drop you 10,000 feet over Peru

I love the clothes you wear
I’d love to rip out your hair
Your smile makes my whole day
Worthwhile

I’ve never felt as I feel with you
Unadulterated hate as it begins to brew
Deep within the bowels of my existence
I’d pay to throw Kukri’s at you
And pray one of them slices you too
But just know, it’s out of love, for you

Your small tender hand as it locks with mine
I feel that our souls are intertwined
And that we will never escape this joyous fate
Of your skull being crushed by a white pearl gate

As your blood spills in creases of stone
I know I will never again be alone
And as your skin bruises, mutilates and scars
I know you’ll be right there with me in my car
And while your organs mesh into an acrid paste
I know our love wont be a waste

Because I love you
And you love me too

Hi, Tommy!

This is quite the twisted Barney love song, no? I had been hooked right from the first stanza and was led up to the end, still curious as to the persona's demented attitude and love/hate complex that really twitches the soul. I quite liked the morbid descriptions that you've portrayed and there were some really good moments throughout the poem.

TommySneak wrote:But I can see in your eyes the care and compassion you have

This line seemed too awkward as it was really long and disrupted the flow.

TommySneak wrote:I wish soar the skies with you too

I think you forgot to add 'to' after 'wish'.

The overall rhyming seemed fine, even though it sounded a little forced in some areas. I feel that the third stanza could be shortened or better yet, divided into two as it looks far too intimidating to read all those 7 lines. Keep it neat and simple like the rest of the stanzas.

All in all, this is a unique poem with great novelty attached and is quite an amusing read. I greatly enjoyed reading this piece and I'm looking forward to reading more from you. Keep the ink flowing!

Murtuza

Sorry to respond so late, but thanks for your criticism.

The reason I made that line so long and out of form with the others, (along with the entire stanza being lengthier) was for that exact reason. When I wrote this, I had a smooth ballad looping in my head running at a 7/8 time signature, and I'm fully aware others can't hear this, but it makes for awkward sounding lines and rhythms if read "wrong".

I found this kinda funny to read actually. I mean, I never thought of "bi-polar love" meaning you'd continuously want to kill the one you love. I find it a little odd the detail you've put into this. Typing from experience, or do you have a lot of time on your hands? I'm kidding, of course. I didn't find much wrong with this piece. Really the only thing I dislike is the thought of killing your love. But, that's not really something to dislike the work over. So, overall, I enjoyed reading it. Keep writing and may the Force be with you.