Young Writers Society

That’s So Gay!

Why is the “N” word
Suspension worthy,
While faggot is tossed
Around like a beach ball?

Why is multiculturalism
Celebrated, while gays
Only feel accepted
In their own communities?

Why are we fighting
A thankless war, while our
Children commit suicide,
Safe in their bedrooms?

Why is it a gigantic deal
When two men get married,
While we destroy our planet with our waste,
Infants starve to death,
And people freeze on our sidewalks?

It’s amazing how those three words
Can make me feel six inches tall.
Call me whatever you like,
But be careful, you never know who’s listening.

Generally, I liked it. It takes a social issue and brings it directly to the foreground, with effective short lines and stanzas. However, there were a few parts that I think could be changed.

In the last line of the first stanza, the beach ball simile seems a little aimless...maybe there is a descriptive word that could be thrown in, to lock into place? Secondly, the line "Safe in their bedrooms?" is slightly confusing...I had to read it twice to understand it completely. And, lastly, in the last stanza I think that "When two men get married or attempt to adopt a child" is a little too weighty, and maybe could be reduced to "When two men get married".

Aside from that, I thought it was a great, pleasantly direct piece. Keep up the good work.

Hiya!

Agreeing with Arryn, I thought it brings up tough topics and then questions them which I really liked about the poem.. I really did not see anything to change about the poem other than a few clarity things mentioned before. One thing that I can say that could help.. Make it personal, this poem seemed a bit generalized... Perhaps there are questions that you personally would like answered, bring in more of your thoughts about it.

This is a great poem!

Keep writing!

Chezka(:

I thought you did a great job and this poem talks nicely about some very tough topics. The only thing that I can suggest is perhaps adding a little bit more in depth. Maybe you could say one specific situation.You would not have to describe it to much, just make it more relatable by giving one situation. I think that you did an amazing job and this a a very influential poem

I understand this. I, myself, am not for it. But I don't say anything unless I'm standing up for them when they're being made fun of. If someone is gay, I don't say a word. I mean, some guy at my school said the word faggot and was snapped at by the teacher. His reply was that their ways were against the bible. I agreed with the teacher when she said, "that doesn't mean you can call them things like that."
Good job! I liked it.
~LadyPurple

I've been sitting here debating whether on not to review you poem because stuff like this makes my blood boil. I have to many opinions on the topic and don't believe I should mix them with your poem.

To be honest all you really have in this poem is a giant rant. You are saying the same thing every other homosexual is saying these days and it's just getting old. You haven't really said anything new in this poem and in order for something to be good you need new ideas. You didn't make me want to support gay rights any more than I want to support anything else. If you can write something and come across to an audience who doesn't take the side of gay rights you have done something.

I am by no means prepared for this review so bear with me and forgive me if I offend you in any way, for this is not my intention at all. In the first stanza you throw a point out there, you say that the N word isn't to be said in school. Well this isn't entirely the case, it gets thrown around just as much as gay is at my school. You might not be able to walk up to the principle and say it but you can't really go call him gay either. Either way point one is negated and can be argued with. You want to make points that make people speechless and a point that no-one can argue with. Also at the end you use beachballs, I don't really know why though. How often do we see beach balls being thrown around? Not very often, find something you see almost every day, something everyone in every state sees.

Your second argument is that all ethnicities (sorry if that can't be plural) are accepted. This also isn't true because there was a little thing called the imigration law passes recently. This was a legal thing but how many people went back over the border and felt discriminted against? I see racist people every day, but I don't see many people complaining about it. I do see complaining but eventually people get over it and move on.

The next stanza was really the only one that made my insides tingle. I don't think the word thankless was the right word here but the point was taken. It's not just homosexual people that commit suicide, children get bullied every day for their appearance and find that is the only way out. It makes me sick that another human being could drive a person to do something like that to themselves. I don't believe in homosexuality but I don't make fun of the people who are. It is a personal choice that person makes and that is where it shall stay. (Keep, safe in their bedrooms)

In the next stanza you say "Why is it a gigantic deal," this sounds...bad to be honest. Gigantic isnt poetic at all, if you want to make it sound big use a metaphor. Add some very bold outstanding imagery to prove your point. All we get in your poem is words. If you can paint that picture in our minds, show us the starving children, the people freezing in the street, you can turn this into something amazing. If we can see what your talking about then you can truly win us over, until that point this is still just a rant.

In the last stanza the first two lines are ok, I do like them. The last two lines just aren't a strong ending to something that has to live up to large standards. If someone is calling you that they aren't going to care who is listening. You have to put some images into it and make it something that the reader can visualize. Right now, as I said before, this is just a rant that everyone is saying.

I don't think I can say much more about this without leaving a lasting opinion. I do think this needs word but I think it could be great. Good luck and if you need help feel free to pm me.

-Flow-

*sigh*

That poem was so gay.

This is really mediocre and I think you know it. I read your poem before it had any reviews and didn't have the heart to say this but then I saw how many likes it got. Besides the technical errors this suffers from being shallow and contrived. The speaker asks a bunch of trite, naive, or presumptuous questions. It's obnoxiously didactic and unironic, and really just a rhetorical address thinly veiled as a poem. If you think any of these statements are unfair PM me, I know it's not a pleasant review.

Hey, Amy!

So this piece has been getting a lot of mixed reviews from the audience. And it's quite easy to see why. With a title so bold and frank, it would arouse quite a lot of attention - negative and positive. According to me, I feel this poem leaves me torn; or rather very much perplexed as to its purpose. It has a lot of good in it. But then again, it's got a lot of bad too.

This poem has got bold written all over it. There must have been something that you wanted to convey. Something that you maybe wanted to express regarding these issues that you couldn't help but write it or vent it out. This entire piece would seem much suited as a descriptive, strong, vibrant and in-depth blog. Though the fact that you've written this as a poem shows that you are willing to push the envelope and give us something with great artistic flow. And just for that, you deserve some praise. Even if it is only the slightest bit

You were out-right in the matter, focusing on the many uncertainties and shortcomings of today's society at large. The way people normally see things, the way they are interpreted and the way that they are. a lot of the subject matter is raw, sounds like ranting and is very shallow in terms of any form of creative skill or PURPOSE.
We can all see that you are talking about these things. Yet, why are these topics being treated the way they are? What is happening in these situations? What can we do to sustain some sort of moral integrity in ourselves? How would someone with the perception of being involved in one of these topics be? There was just so much that you could have done with this piece. So much that you have missed out on in terms of description (like a few of the reviewers have already noted).

There was no connection between the poem and me as a reader. All I could actually make out was that this poem was about the incessant whining of the narrator over how bad everything is around him/her. Let there be a situation. A plot. A connection that makes the audience feel like they can actually bear with the narrator and understand the points the narrator is trying to make. Add structure, rhythm, rhyme (if you're up to it), flow etc.

I'm not going to show the places in your poem where you could have improved or altered the text, because I feel that the entire text needs to be revised. What this poem had going for it was solely the fact that it was rife with great intensity towards the 'issues'.

The poem had that certain boldness to it that made it stand out. And that is not necessarily bad. You just went head on with everything without giving time for the reader to actually digest the entire concept of it all. Try going slow with this piece. Try building up some sort of relevant backdrop to it and define the motives of the poem. Maybe even try doing some research online to avoid the wrath of reviewers who actually have the facts Try seeking out inspiration from similar-sounding works. Be it either from the movies, a song etc. If I could give any suggestion, listen to John Mayer's - Waitin' on the World to Change. In his song, the way he describes things and gives his opinions (neutrality in this situation would be better, though) on the issues is so well portrayed. If your poem could be a little like this song, this would be a masterpiece.

I'm extremely sorry for giving you so much of critique and harshness (like you didn't already get enough from the reviewers before me), but it's all only because I truly think that you are a brilliant poetess. I know this for a fact. You've got great talent and there is so much more that you can bring than just mere shapeless sentences. You've done well by breaking the mold and venturing into uncharted territory by writing this poem and that's exactly what you should be doing. There is so much potential in this piece that I know you can spark.

So I hope you manage to find that spark and ignite something great. And as I always say, keep the ink flowing!

Murtuza

Hey, shiney1 here

Well, congats on getting featured!
But I have to agree with murtuza and Flower~Child on this one. This was more like rambling than a poem.

And I have read other poems by you, and the were amazing! But this poem fell so flat compared to them and does not represent your writing skills fairly at all.

There was no connection between the poem and me as a reader. All I could actually make out was that this poem was about the incessant whining of the narrator over how bad everything is around him/her. Let there be a situation. A plot. A connection that makes the audience feel like they can actually bear with the narrator and understand the points the narrator is trying to make. Add structure, rhythm, rhyme (if you're up to it), flow etc.

This was one of the biggest problems, in my opinion. There was no feelings or anything of the like that the reader could connect to. It felt like a one-way "conversation" with minimum imagery and voice, like a rant. After reading the poem the first time I felt kind of dry, honestly. It was kind of like reading a blog entry. And I know you can do better, because I have seen you do much better.
Try to connect with your audience more next time, and be more specific, because this poem was more generalized than specific. And try to make it flow, have more voice, and more imagery. Those are important aspects of a poem, no matter what it is about.

Take care, God Bless.

Third stanza encapsulates what I think about the whole issue. Good work.

I'm really into sports and in sports, this can be quite an issue. The SF Giants recorded an awesome It Gets Better video, but you really wonder why steroid abuse, rape, assault, being caught with many weapons on a Vespa (or whatever Delonte West's two wheeled vehicle of choice was), pulling a gun on a teammate over a card gambling debt, or anything else many of these men get up to is understandable and being in love with someone of the same sex is not and is very likely a don't-ask-don't-tell thing with many current players. It also ties in with ridiculous myths whose truth is important to us straight people too, like, violence/arrogance=manliness and kindness/empathy=girliness.

As a statement, this poem is sleek and simple, but the last stanza can be improved. I want the last line to have a sort of finality to it, because "you never know who's listening" is a bit vague of a statement to me, even though I got the point eventually. Maybe using the same meaning, but with a different, punchier line?

"I know better than to listen"

"But the problem will always be yours, not mine"

"I know it's not a crime to be me"

oh gosh, these are corny. I'm not so good at this stuff. Anyway, I hope my suggestions were coherent enough to be useful, keep writing.

I usually don't like to get mixed up in things like this, and I feel the poem was pretty good (I actually wrote one quite like it on a similar subject). But I just got to say:

what world do you live in, where people are afraid to say the "N" word, but throw faggot around "like a beach ball"?

Where I come from, everyone throws them all around, and usually doesn't use them to refer to blacks, gays, jews, or whatever...

...may I suggest a change of scenery.

But anyway, it takes courage to stick your neck out like this, and I like I said, the poem was great. Had some good images and made an argument, and it flowed well.

Just saying that maybe you're being A BIT too sympathetic...kids killing themselves over bullying is terrible, but it's not a bigger issue than the war on terror or pollution - it's sad, but the issues are alot more complicated than "3 little words."

One more thing, throwing an issue into people's faces like this isn't necessarily as good as a veiled, allegorical or metaphorical approach - when you saturate people with these words and images, and throw them around like statistics, you create too much sympathy for one side, and you will never change another's mind by hitting them over the head.

THE FINAL STANZA is what you should build upon. It's true.

Amazing <3
- I really feel with the kid. It looks like he had a lot to deal with and the father's reaction is so typical!

I have a few gay friends and therefore I can relate to this... I feel sad that the world in 2011 still won't accept gay people! They have rights as well! Even if you don't ''like'' their sexualorintation you should stay out of other peoples lives and either support them or leave them alone!

Love, peace, and more love from me

- Always keeeep writing!!

Yes, this poem was a ramble and a rant but no, I don't think that makes it poor.
There's no way I'm an expert on poetry but I don't really think that neat structure and perfect flow were really what you were going for hear? You wanted to get a message across, and feelings that you have inside your head and nobody can tell you how best to do that. It's simple and it's true and that's what matters. As far as I'm concerned writing is the best form of therapy and it doesn't all have to be fine trimmed and edited beyond belief. It says what it needs to and that is enough.
I particularly like the personal touch at the end; it makes it seem more real. Build upon it. It is the strength of your poem.

Sensitive issues need more time and nurture to form into great poetry, what you have here is the frameworks of an idea. If you want to be subversive to social ideology and our super egos, you need to explore the issues, delve into research and think of the reasons why, but do it running. When you run with an idea and feed upon on this other knowledge you can sit down, throw up a lot of lines and use your knowledge to fine-tune and tweak structure, vocab, content, form, etc, all to fit and work to your advantage.

Until you do that, you have little more than an idea here.