Young Writers Society

I can't help it.
I just melt.
It controls me, defines who I am, makes things clear.
All the sounds converge.
The melody is everywhere and recklessly perfect.
When I'm listening I can do anything.
My body speaks with the full, hot volume.
Every inch of me moves simultaneously.
The beat is ripe.

My blood rushes.
My brain stops.
My heart thumps.
My hair knots.
My ears block everything else out.
My eyes see the way it forms; see the dust floating below the faded lights.
My nose smells the heat, the darkness, the sweet revolution.

It sends shivers from our toes to the nerves in our sweat covered necks.
The whole place is an iceberg.
For only a second.
The aftermath is monstrous.
Pieces of cold rise and fall.
Shatter like glass underneath our bones.

Our shoes make earthquakes.
Our hands sway above our heads.
Our bodies move closely, using all that's left of this sticky oxygen.

I pant.
I live.

Loud and real.
It never leaves our thoughts.
We stay insane because we want the music.

Wow, this just made me want to listen to heavy metal or screamo, which I rarely do. I love how you incorporate all 5 senses into this poem. Here are some notes:

I can't help it.
I just melt.
It controls me, defines who I am, makes things clear.
All the sounds converge.
The melody is everywhere and recklessly perfect.
When I'm listening I can do anything.
My body speaks with the full, hot volume.
Every inch of me moves simultaneously.
The beat is ripe. (I don't think ripe is the right word. It jumps out.)

My blood rushes.
My brain stops.
My heart thumps.
My hair knots. (Love this line. It made me smile when I read it. )
My ears block everything else out.
My eyes see the way it forms; see the dust floating below the faded lights.
My nose smells the heat, the darkness, the sweet revolution. (Best line EVER! I know exactly what you meant by smelling heat. )

It sends shivers from our toes to the nerves in our sweat covered necks.
The whole place is an iceberg.
For exactly one second.
The aftermath is monstrous.
Pieces of cold rise and fall. (I didn't understand this line. Cold? Like, it was really cold in a concert?)
Shatter like glass underneath our bones.

Our shoes make earthquakes.
Our hands sway above our heads.
Our bodies move closely, using all that's left of this sticky oxygen. (It's great that you didn't ever mention a concert, but I know it's where you are from this stanza. Fantastic.)

I pant.
I live.

Loud and real.
It never leaves our thoughts.
We stay insane because we want the music. (Pretty good ending, too.)

Yeah, I really don't have any other comments. It made me interested in the music you were talking about, just by you talking. So great.

Hey amygabb. Thankyou so much for commenting on my poem. I agree on the word ripe now that you mention it, but I couldn't really think of a better word. Any suggestions?
The cold thing is where, (and I don't know if this is only me) when you listen to a really fantastic song that you really love, and when it gets to your favourite bit or whatever you get shivers all over your body. And you're cold for a second. I didn't really know if anyone would understand that.
I also love the hair knots line as well. I'm glad I thought of that, I thought it was perfect.
And, in case your wondering, I'm in love with screamo and heavy metal and stuff. It's a really important genre of music to me.
Thanks again. ^_^

First of all. Awesome to meet a fellow Metal Head! I wont gush but I just wanted to say how awesome It Is to see another Metal fan writing \m/

Onto your work, this Is incredible, having been to more concerts than you can shake a stick at, I related to everything you presented, the emotions you described, the heat, the invincible feeling as the bass strikes your bones, this Is an assault on the senses just like Metal. And to be able to capture the feeling and spirit of Metal In writing deserves a MEDAL mate!

The first Stanza is my favorite, It drew me back into my own memories of Standing alone In my room in the dark screaming lyrics no one else would hear, and getting the reader to put Into the experience with their own memories Is a vital skill my friend.

There where two lines I wasnt massively crazy about: "For exaxtly one second" That sort of threw me off, all of a sudden this Song that for me seemed to be relying on implication and clever word play, had just given me a specific, "Exactly" just didn't feel right for me.

The other one was "My nose smells..." I loved the context, just didn't love the use of "Nose" I felt like you could change that to "I smell..." Or something like that, because we know you smell with your nose, just a minor suggestion

That's all I can say, apart from those two lines which Is entirely my opinion and my opinion only.
Great work...Incredible work, Amazing work! One of my favorite lyrical works ever! Keep It up and never stop man.
Metal will drive you do anything! You really are invincible with It at your side. Because It Is for the strong xD

-ZombieSquirrel \m/

Hi Zombie. I agree this poem has a few flaws but I'll fix them later.
I understand how you mean with the line my nose smells but since I already used my eyes, my ears etc I thought that if I just put 'I smell' then it wouldn't work, but now that I think of it, it could work. I will fix that ASAP.
I'm soooooooo glad I met someone who shares my love for metal. You are awesome!!
And I've never actually been to a heavy metal concert. When I was 11 I saw P!nk and just recently I saw Katy Perry. But I would absolutely LOVE to. Especially Asking Alexandria. They are EPIC!
And I've definitely never been in a mosh pit. But I really wanna do that as well. Thanks for commenting and saying my work is incredible. (Though I don't think it's that good.)