Young Writers Society

Wow. This was simply amazing.
That is all!

Hello. I shall start off with saying that this was incredible! It was deep and sad and emotional and much more. I do agree it was kinda long, but "size matters not". (Star Wars quote, I had to) Anyway, considering this is poetry, I won't go on about the grammar. Though I don't have much time to read all of the previous comments, I'll assume they're all very good, so I agree with them. So, in all really, I found nothing wrong with this work, nothing at all. I would read this a second time if I didn't have work to do. X( I'll probably read it again when I get home. So keep writing, and may the Force be with you.

Oh my gosh, this was so incredibly gorgeous. This should be published I loved the whole concept of the bold at the beginning of the lines that told a separate story than the poem. Simply lovely, my friend.

I especially loved these things:

I remember eskimo kisses in the winter, I stopped painting for a second, laughing, smiling, caring as I recalled how red his cheeks were after coming in from shoveling the snow or after we were alone for too long.

Beautifully written.

I kept thinking of the thousands of moments when we laughed and talked and yelled and kissed and tried to imagine what his expressions were back then. I know he was beautiful, far too beautiful, with thousands of imperfections and flaws, but never any tragic mistakes, only tiny things that made him human

I love getting into the narrator's memories and personal stories. Gorgeous.

My ultimate favorite thing about this piece is the way you ended it. Eventually, the two separate sections came together to form one flawless ending for both sections. That was just stunning.

The only little nitpick I have is that the "i" in the 6th section should be capitalized. Other than that, this was perfect! I just want to read this work over and over again. Keep up the fantastic work!

~Jess

I had to read this a few times, both ways, to really be able to get it. Now I feel like crying.
So I logged on especially to comment and tell you what I thought, and even though you've heard it, I'll repeat it: It was beautiful. Every little bit of it. I completely lost myself while reading this. I could relate to it so well, and it's just so... I can't begin to describe. The only way I can think of explainning is this: you wrote that the drawing became angry. That was such a private thought that people think all alone and to themselves, and it felt like it was just fished out of your or your main character's soul.
Brilliant job. Thank you for posting this. Really, thank you. I had a wonderful time reading this.
Ofir

This is a very lovely peace. I love how you made two poems inside of one big one. Beautiful! I love how you ended with the same thing (it/he was always hers, i was just borrowing) and had the bold poem more specific, and the nonbolded more flowery. Awesome!

I know you're hearing this for the millionth time but this poem is simply breathtaking. No one can exaggerate the amount of talent you have and how amazing this poem is. Seriously, you should be famous or something. And I can't believe you're only 14! And the best bit about this poem is that you based it all around one painting. I really loved it. Keep writing!!! ^_^

I thought this was a really good interesting poem. I especially enjoyed the bit about the star-shaped scar and the cars swerving apart. I thought that was a really interesting special detail.
I am very sorry to have to say this but I didn't like the first word of every line being bold. It distracted from the poem for me a lot. I would have enjoyed the piece much more without that.
Very good though!

WHOOOOOOSSHHHHH!!!! What a MASTERPIECE!!!.... :O
EPIC!... Just AWESOME!....
Such an Inspiring way of writing poetry.... Well it really DID inspire me ALOT!...
INNOVATIVE it is... This Surely is a WOW!!... Good Work... Thumbs Up..!!

This was gorgeous, and amazing; It took my breath away.
I read the bolded part first and then the rest was easy to read.
But I loved your imagery, the comparison to the painting and him in real life, and also the way you mentioned her.
It was very detailed. Good job

Aad;lfjad;fa. I've already told you how much I adore this.

Dissection time. (I'll try not to repeat anything, but my memory makes no promises.)

First stanza:
I looooooooove the "dotting drops of color" line. (Than my literal side kicks in--was the speaker doing pointillism? And is pointillism even done with paint? The only ones I've seen have been in pen/pencil.)

The structure of the last three lines bugs me, though I see why you did it that way. "me" wouldn't usually be used in the way you used it, and the coma between "periwinkle blue" and "love me not" throws me off a bit.

Second stanza:
I know I've started plenty of sentences with "but". I don't mind that so much. It looks a bit strange, though, because it isn't capitalized. This fits with the sideline poem, but not with the full one.

I love the way you note the exact weight and shipping times of the paint. What a clever way to integrate! It fits perfectly.

Third stanza:
I don't understand how the car crash worked. You say both cars swerved, but... I just can't picture two cars swerving in a way that would give a child a star-shaped scar. (It's possible this is my fault.)

Again, I like the way you fit the two poems together--the star-crossed lovers, and the star-shaped scar. It's inventive. I also like the way you describe her remembering.

Fourth stanza:
I know at Audy didn't like this, but I loved how it was written. You showed a little slice of her day while continuing the poem on both fronts. Good job. Again, I love your attention to detail, what with the little things about bare feet and painting outside in the snow.

Fifth stanza:
I love (again!) the first few lines. So often the words aren't remembered, but the moment is, and you captured that here beautifully. It shows the playful nature of their relationship, and I can relate.

"Disrupt the peace" seems a bit superfluous and out of place. You've said she's keeping quiet in two different ways, and I think it would flow a bit better if you only used one.

Yesterday, I tried to
make a soft stroke for his jaw, but the paint on my palate was all blended, a messy portrait of what I do for 
him. It was done, his face, and I began on his hair, but I had to get a picture because I always
forget the exact hue of it on December nights. He was grinning and I was
too, but I don't remember who took the picture, it might have been Her,

Here's where I start having problems with your punctuation, and I'm not really sure what to do about it. I've made some suggestions above, but I'm not sure if they're the best solutions. The last word really throws me off, especially in conjunction with the next stanza; I think maybe you should at least add a comma. That's the thing, though--if this were in a normal sentence, and not separated by a line of space, I'm not sure I'd put a comma after "Her". In this, the transition is a tad bit jarring.

Sixth stanza:
I know I'd like to see a comma after "here" on this one. No question here.


Overall:
*gushes*
Your wording was awkward at times, but some allowances can be made because of the structure of the thing. As for capitalization, I think you should do away with it altogether, except for places where you want to make a point, like when talking about Her. (You could also use italics.)

As for the bolded words, only keep them bolded if you want the reader's attention to be drawn to them immediately. If they weren't bolded, this poem would be a puzzle, and when someone found both rhymes, it would be a sort of victory. If you don't want for people to have to guess, then that's fine, keep it as-is--however, I do suggest unbolding the punctuation marks, because some of them belong and some of them don't belong in your shorter poem.

I love your style, and I'm sorry this review came so late. Hope to see much more from you--maybe on a bookshelf? ;3