Young Writers Society

Slow Down

I hold / on by my callused fingertips
I hurt / can’t you see?
I hate / the person reflected back in your eyes
I remember / the cancer
I cry / but never when you can see
I break / down
I feel / guess you didn’t notice
I fear / what people think about me
I drive / myself crazy with worry
I hide / from my family
I read / the judgment in your eyes
I think / you could see me if you tried
I learn / to be almost invisible

I lack / the stamina to keep pretending
I talk / but don’t say what I need to
I listen / when you don’t know that I can hear you
I swim / against the current
I pray / that I will make something of myself
I hope / that it will get better
I wish / that that were true

I know / more than you think
I work / harder than you can imagine
I promise / what I can deliver
I sing / the melody inside my head
I laugh / until it hurts
I love / the silence
I want / respect
I can / only be myself
I am / rare

I am / me

Okay so I'm not sure If I liked this it felt lacking it didn't stir emotion or really grasp attention. Thought maybe that wasn't your intent I wanted it to have a rhyme scheme but it was highly lacking in one. Then again that may have been hard to do with the format given to say the least it was a tail of pain which is highly appealing to me, for some odd reason, as a reader. Either way it was an interesting format perhaps Verbs would be an apt title though for how it is written. Excellent work though work more on drawing in the reader through out the piece.

Hey there! I love to see different types of pieces that come from interesting prompts, and this one is great! I really think you have some great lines that work really well for the duel phrase lines.

Here's some of the lines I love:
They each have the start to something more.

I hate / the person reflected back in your eyes

I learn to be almost invisible

I lack / the stamina to keep pretending

I swim against the current

I sing / the melody inside my head

I laugh / until it hurts

I hold / on by my fingertips

I think if you added another word to help us see the drama of holding on by the edge, it would bring out what you're trying to say. Are they bleeding? Blistered?

These are lines I feel you have so much more room to expand on and/or cut out only because they're either a bit confusing or vague.

I break / down
I hide / from my family
I hope / that it will get better
I promise / what I can deliver
I want / respect

I do like the idea of your ending, about you being rare, and yourself, but again, I think you can bring in some sensory imagery to give it more flesh. Great job!

Hmm....I understand that this came from a prompt, but I feel like the slashes are distracting. A prompt is merely a starting point for a rough draft. Much revision can (and often does) come after it, changing it from the original prompt.

I actually disagree with Daniel. I don't feel like it needs a rhyme scheme. Have you ever heard of free verse? If you would like to make it flow better, you could count the syllables without making it rhyme. For example, your first line is 10 syllables and the second is 5 syllables. You would alternate the length of the lines in that way.

I'm going to contradict myself....I do like the ending being only 3 syllables. Because this leaves an impact on the reader, it would actually be okay to leave these short lines even if you do alternate line lengths.

In some respects, I really like your poem. I love these lines, in fact:

I read / the judgment in your eyes
I think / you could see me if you tried
I learn / to be almost invisible

At the same time, though, the poem isn't consistent throughout. It seems, to me at least, that some of the lines don't fit. How does "I remember the cancer" go with hiding from others? I mean, one might hide from others when they have cancer, but it doesn't seem to work with the rest of the poem.

As I said before, I like ending:

I can / only be myself
I am / rare
I am / me

These leave an impact on the reader. They also seem to wrap up the loose ends created by the rest of the poem. Good work.