Young Writers Society

My love, I hate you,
This passion in my heart
Stems not from unending springs of love
But from the stench of the stale river
Where we once knew love
The mantle of love has been broken
The flames can no longer be kindled
And here we stand
The questions unknown
We never were
How can we be now?
Cupid's bow has crossed its limits
Love's heart is now pierced
The love that I once felt has turned to hate.

Your spelling is good, and I love your topic, but there's just one thing that bugs me.
I have two friends whom you should know who are feeling very neglected right about now. The period "." and the comma ",".

It should look something like this, and I'm just picking stoppoing points where I think they should go, if you want to change that that's okay, this is just my opinion.

dolwright wrote:My love, I hate you.
This passion in my heart,
Stems not from unending springs of love,
It comes from the stench of the stale river,
Where we once knew love.
The mantle of love has been broken,
The flames can no longer be kindled,
And here we stand,
The questions unknown.
We never were,
How can we be now?
Cupid's bow has crossed it's limits,
Love's heart is now pierced,
The love that I once felt has turned to hate.

Hope this helps and good job.

wow I love this. I really do. The writing doesn't seem quite shakespearian but like the flow of it and the imagery and the detail really reminds me of a little bit of romeo and juliet. not the actual theme but the writing. this is really good and summarizes what a lot of us lonely hearts feel.

This is a lovely lovely beautiful poem.
I don't really have any improvements to suggest.
Cupid's bow has crossed it's 'limits' could possibly be a little different, the word limit is a little distracting.
I thought this was really beautiful. I like the bit about the rivers. Water is very poetic...

Hmm... It's a good topic BUT The problem with it is that I really Love rhymes...
And it actually is the main key to grab a reader's attention...
The topic is really good but you should have used rhyming words...
Otherwise it's a good piece...

[quoteMy love, I hate you,This passion in my heart,Stems not from unending springs of love,It comes from the stench of the stale river,Where we once knew love.The mantle of love has been broken,The flames can no longer be kindled,And here we stand,The questions unknown.We never were,How can we be now?Cupid's bow has crossed it's limits,Love's heart is now pierced,The love that I once felt has turned to hate][/quote]

Could be:

My love, I hate you.
This passion in my heart,
Stems not from unending springs of love,
butfrom the stench of the stale river,
Where we once knew love.
The mantle of love has been broken;
The flames can no longer be kindled,
And here we stand,
With questions unknown.
"We never were,
How could we be now?"
Cupid's bow has crossed it's limits.
Love's heart is now pierced,
The love that I once felt
has turned to hate

I'd also suggest a more dramatic ending line

Oh, I simply LOVE HATE! Al here for a lovely but hateful Quick Critique!

I think you did the poem very artistically because you combined different figurative speeches. You first use contradictions, then you used a personification wherein you put a very beautiful scenery. My imagination was used up in reading this short piece because of the words which rendered color and poured in creativity into each verse.

Speaking of verse, your line structure was also great. But I'd like it better if you put a white space between each 'period' you put because they were different ideas. But I also advise you to skip the periods because it makes the poem very literal. I only used 'periods' in my first remark for a marker.

All in all, it was greatly written and wonderfully read! I simply love it!

Overall Rating:

Keep writing and good luck!
Your revuer, Al

I love the poem but I would consider checking the punctuation and every line I noticed started with a capital letter, if there is a coma the line doesn't need to be capitalized, only in the presense of a period, question mark, exclamation point or a line of dialogue does the next line of dialogue need to be capitalized. Another thing, it's means it is while its without an apostrophe means that it is a posetion.
Other than that I loved it.
great job, keep up the good work.