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Young Writers Society


Remembrance's Home



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25 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1465
Reviews: 25
Fri Dec 16, 2011 3:50 am
Stargirl101 says...



There will be a house carved of stone,
Mahogany floors echo the sound of feet.
Light will reflect off the marble walls,
Revealing my shape at the windowsill.

The dust will settle on the worn tables and chairs
Once used, now put away, remenants of fading nostalgia
But loneliness cannot settle where I am found
Caught, waiting for a place that I call home

Memories created a home
Calling to you
Wanting Me

That faded slowly just as they did
Disappearing from me
Blinding you

But now, remembrance comes and has asked for us

Sorrow once had a garden, where my soul planted seeds
A tree bloomed; now as old as me
Pathos twisted its branches, forming a hazel green
The ground rose to see, wrapping its way up the trunk which is me

Cracks formed as you couldn't contain ground's power
But ground climed higher still to see
Thought came as a wind and tried to blow ground away
Still ground clutched tightly to our hazel of green
Ground cleared our eyes to the answer, revealed

Memories created a home
Calling to me
Wanting you

Which faded slowly just as we did
Disappearing from you
Blinding me

But now, remembrance comes and asks for us,
And did we reply?
Presence is a curious thing. If you need to prove you’ve got it, probably never had it in the first place. It’s not an ostentatious, adolescent display. It should be something effortless. Somebody once said: ‘The whisper is louder than the shout.’ Well amen to that.
  





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56 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1646
Reviews: 56
Fri Dec 16, 2011 4:00 am
mithrim96 says...



Your poem made me stare wide eyed and open-mouthed at the screen in awe and deep thought, truly beautiful. The way you entrance the reader with this mystical piece is amazing. I will be looking for more of your writing, it's wonderful - literally full of wonder. I also love your writing down the bottom the stuff about a presence. You have a very moving presence. Well done!
Keep writing for as long as it brings you joy!

"It's important we build up a level of trust. That way I'll catch you completely unprepared when I suddenly accuse you of murder." - Skulduggery Pleasant (read it!), Death Bringer, Derek Landy
  





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60 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 595
Reviews: 60
Fri Dec 16, 2011 4:06 am
BrokenSkye says...



I really enjoyed reading this poem. It was different and unique. It had depth and beauty beyond this life. I didn't find a single spelling error, at least when I read it I didn't. And your grammar was really amazing.
But in the first stanza you seem to be talking about a house or a wall but no where else in your work do you mention that, only about the lovely tree and how the ground wanted a closer look. I didn't really understand why the first stanza was talking about a house or wall when your whole poem was comparing a what seems to be a lovely garden to you.
Also I loved how you reached out and let the reader get into your masterpiece as if the reader was there with you as you told your story. But over all, great job, keep writing, you are an amazing poet.
Spoiler! :
[user][user][/user][/user]
If you love something let it go, if it comes back, it's your's.
  





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308 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 25520
Reviews: 308
Sat Dec 17, 2011 4:04 am
AlfredSymon says...



Home, sweet home, huh? Hiya this is Al, giving a Revue.

About this poem: you're a great idealist because you made something which exemplifies a feeling of longing that everyone feels. We are in love in some ways, but to people. How about the homes that took care of us since we lived there. We just can't forget then, can't we? I love this because it brings back a feeling of nostalgia and homesickness. Great work making the message, theme and content ;)

I' also happy because of the creativity you poured out in the poem. It's great because the imagery was very clear, thanks to the many words and colorful adjectives you managed to pull through. I also like how you connect each stanza to another; no missing fragment on this one!

I see no flaws in the poem, great work. And I feel the emotion in it. The memory that kept us alive now calls us, but we didn't reply. Great message there. But how about changing some words to more themed ones? There are some words that works perfectly in some genres, y'know. I think if you added those words, you can make one of the best poems here at YWS! :)

Your Quick Critic,
Al
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"Stories are like yarn; just hold on to the tip and let the ball roll away"
  








Every first draft is perfect, because all a first draft has to do is exist.
— Jane Smiley