Young Writers Society

What shall we do?
Cry or smile at the death

What would thy want me to do?
Look back and smile at all the memories and jokes we made
Or Cry because thee is gone

Death makes some feel left behind and alone
Death makes some feel joyous and merry that thy has left us

Mixed up, conflicted emotions
Are you terrible person because you dont cry?
Are you fantastic you break through it and put your poker face on?
Are you a baby if you do cry?
Or are you passionate since you shed tears?

People dont realize what they till it is gone
But thats human
Thats life
Thats normal

Live life to the fullest
Like every minute is your last
Because any second might be your last

Death puts everyone in a different posistion
But makes everyone much stronger or much weaker

-This poem is dedicated to my grandma R.I.P I miss you

First of all, looking at this poem, you obviously meant to use less "modern" pronouns in the second person - however, I'd like to say that "thee", "thou", and "thy" were considered as lower than "you" and "your" in their time period, as well as the fact that you got them - quite frankly - all mixed up. In the second stanza, "What would thy want me" should be "what would thou want me" - and perhaps "what wouldst thou want me" if you want to go with the archaic feel. Also, "thee is gone" should be "thou are gone" or "thou art gone", as "thou" is the subject pronoun of the set. In the third stanza, "thy has left us" made me think "thy 'what' has left us", because "thy" is the possessive pronoun. Again, it ought to be "thou", and perhaps "thou hast". That looks like it, though.

Later on, you break out of the archaic terms to a point and start using "you" and "your". My advice is pick one and stick with it unless you want to try transitioning viewpoints, which isn't the easiest to do smoothly in poetry like this.

I have quite a few... nitpicks about this piece. In the fourth stanza, it ought to be "Are you a terrible person", "Are you fantastic, do you break through it". In the fifth stanza, did you mean to say "People don't realise what they have 'til it is gone"? And then "But thats human/Thats life/Thats normal" - you should have an apostrophe in your "thatses" to make it "But that's human/That's life/That's normal", which is grammatically correct (as that-is human, that-is life, that-is normal).

In the sixth stanza, the latter two lines - "Like every minute is your last/Because any second might be your last" - seem a bit redundant. Maybe "Because any second might be just that" or something along those lines, so you aren't outright restating what you said in the previous line?

The last stanza seems... somewhat out of place. The rest of the poem is in a direct You address, giving the reader something to hold in their hands, and then you change it into a subjective statement from the mind of the speaker, not directed at the reader as straightforwardly as the rest of the piece, which can throw your readers off. Perhaps find a way to rephrase it so it IS directed at the reader?

I don't believe I've caught absolutely everything - I do like this poem, don't get me wrong. It's got a wonderful idea behind it, it's just not grasping the right words to get it across at the moment. It's a bit disjointed, a bit awkward, a bit out of place, but you can work to make it better. Everyone can improve, no matter how good they seem to be.

It got me thinking if I would die soon; so just to be sure, I would already comment on your poem, 'Death', so that when I die, all my goals have been achieved!

First and foremost, I would like to congratulate you because you hit one of my favorite topics: death. So now, let's get the Quick Critique on!

Content:
As I've said, death is one of my most favored topics. Y'know, a lot of people are already debating on the topic and I think it's great that there are poems out there to kill all the tension! Although it's not exactly focused on the idea of dying, it said a lot about the personification of longing and escape and other sad feelings (sorry, out of words ). And you wrote it for your granny? You make me cry! Plus, you wrote it in archaic style and Shakespearean language (a bit anyway). You get a very high meter here!

Technicalities & Structure:
Okay, it's judgment time! Let's get a bit serious here, this area is all about grammar which, based on how our English teachers react with the topic, is very very serious. The first thing I want to discuss with you is quite a common mistake in modern-made archaic poems:

Or Cry because thee is gone

Death makes some feel joyous and merry that thy has left us

Okay, thee and thy and, just for a fact, thou, are all deep archaic words; they are actually old versions of the pronoun family 'you'. Using it in the poem DID add effect, but I think you used it wrong. 'Thee is' should be 'Thee are', because 'you' should be referred to as plural, and so does its grandpa word thee. I know, it's weird to say 'Thee are', so use 'art' instead, which is the archaic version of 'are'. Concerning your word choice, I liked it because all of the words are of the same theme, but do mind your structures because most of them are a bit too literal. Interchange the words a bit more to make it deeper and oh-so-better!

Imagery:
I'm very fine with the imagery put into the poem, but remember, as I've said above, less literal words, more creative adjectives and innovative stricture equals great poetry!

Overall:
You're there! I love the inspiration you wrote this poem from, I think it's very noble. Just listen to some other pointers other writers tell you so you can make this poem one of the best!

XOXOXO,
Al