Young Writers Society

When you think of how the winter pales
in the light of the island sun, trinkets made from shells
were our jeweled encasements, and our regrets were
strewn like embers on the ocean.
I found an errant twin soul in you,
my friend,
and you are eastern light,
you are the damning fruit of hell I tasted seconds before rescue.
Now I'm here forever loving darkness,
a luminous season scattered to ease the weight of knowing
that you might have been the one.

Hey there!

I shall be reviewing another one of your poems!

The section you posted the poem: So when I read the title, I was slightly confused. The title gave something of love, hopes, and wishes. And then when I read your poem, it was the same! But you placed the poem in the "Other Poetry" section. This poem goes more into the "Lyric Poetry" section. You can tell a mod. (dark green highlighted-name people) to transfer the post there for you.

The title: As I've said, the poem gives off the proper vibe needed for the poem. It gives a loving, caring feeling, which went well with your poem.

The sentences of the poem: Frankly, the sentences in this poem are a bit too long. Sure, the were very well described, but because you tried adding a lot of descriptions, the flow of the poem, as well as the sentences of the poem, weren't equal or going well.

Usually, what I would do when I write a poem, is that I break of the sentence at the first or second comma. It isn't absolutely necessary, but I think it seems to not only look (as in presentation) better that way, but also give it a better flow.

I found an errant twin soul in you, my friend
and you are eastern light,

'My friend' is actually very oddly placed here. It fits into the poem, alright, but the placement is just wrong. Why not add it to the next line? Like:

I found an errant twin soul in you,
my friend,
and you are eastern light,

^That way, according to me anyway, will not only (1) Make your sentences look shorter, (2) look good as the presentation, (3) not look oddly placed but will also emphasize on 'my friend' .

Other: I really liked the poem in all. It was well written, despite the long sentences, (which you should polish up, by the way.) Though, I would really encourage you to break off the sentence at the first comma. (second if you're describing something like : ....cold, dark, and quiet.) Doing so, will make your poem look bigger, and will also even out most of your sentences.

Please do make sure to let me know, the next time you post a poem!
-TwistedMuffins!

Hi there, Rose!

I think this is a really nice poem, but you need a bit of work on it.

You were really quite wordy in it (which is ok, and can be nice, don't get me wrong ) but if you are going to be wordy, you need to have correct punctuation. You have a lot of parts in this poem that are stated beautifully but are confusing because your punctuation is just off or you have no punctuation. So, see if you can go through your poem and look for places where you could add a comma, period, hyphen, or semi-colon - I guarantee it'll be easier to read

Your imagery in this was really beautiful, and I congratulate you on that because I loved it. The way you tied your images with how the (for lack of a better word) story in your poem went was stunning. I could imagine every part.

Your flow and word choices were really great, but, again with the punctuation. If you're going to be wordy (which can create problems in the flow) you need lots of punctuation to make sure it goes smoothly.

Other than that, great job with this! I could feel your emotion in it, and even though you lacked some punctuation, the flow was pretty smooth.

Keep writing,
Justagirl