Young Writers Society

Ooooo... this is a really neat idea! Or maybe I'm just biased toward it because it is mathematical? Anyway, this reminds me of Edwin Abbott Abbott's "Flatland." Which, if you haven't read it yet, you should. Because it's awesome. (And yes, Edwin Abbott Abbott is his real name.)

Anyway! I really really like the ending, when you talk about rolling. I mean, some of the description about fighting in wars and everything was interesting, but when you were talking about rolling... well... that is just so unique to a circle that it's a really poignant image. Before when you were talking about they were such outcasts to society, it was one thing, but that image really set things off and had such a neat emotional layering to it.

Also, just because some people will say this a lot... that's the different between showing and telling. Writers generally make a really big deal, and it's almost cliched to say, "Show, don't tell." And telling is when you tell us things. For instance, the battle stories you told us of the circles and squares. And it was neat! Very Flatlandish of you. But, when you started rolling... that's when you showed.

So, just keep this in mind! Very nice stuff here.

First of all, I really liked the metaphor of the shapes. The first stanza started off great. It has a nice flow and the imagery was amazing. I can imagine the shapes in my mind, the 'sore thumbed' circles, the 'stiff' squares and the hexagon 'followers'. It made me think of the children's programme, 'Puzzle Inc'. (x

In the second stanza, you don't exactly refer to any shapes anymore. And I found that kind of broke the theme of the poem. I didn't quite understand what you were trying to convey to the reader in the whole of the stanza. The imagery you created was amazing but I think the real meaning is too obscure. I especially didn't understand the last four lines. This may be lack of perception on my part but I just couldn't figure it out.

Now, onto the third stanza. You have already referred to 'hexagons' and 'squares' so I don't understand why you refer to them again. Almost as if they are new 'shapes'. Because you refer to the 'hexagons' then to a new shape, 'triangles' and then you go back to a 'square'. If in your third stanza you are trying to portray how 'anyone could fit in', I think it would be best if you started off with 'Anyone could fit in' or something along those lines. The first line, 'Yeah, we had out hexagons', doesn't seem to introduce the stanza 'idea'.

But the rest of the poem, I love. I find it kind of poignant, how lonely the circles are. Despite the simplicity and inanimate characteristics of shapes, I found you really portrayed emotion in this poem really well. I felt as if the shapes were real and did have emotions. Great work.

So, your imagery and such is fine and I think I'm going to leave it alone.

What stands out to me, though, is a lack of consistent meter. Your first two lines establish one nicely, but then the rest of the stanza goes off on its own, with no regard to what was established before. Plus, with how all over I find your rhythm, I'm not sure I can offer anything concrete about how to tighten it up... if you don't mind me playing with your first stanza, I can point out a few things, and where I find the rhythm hard to follow? It's hard even with the best examples, for sure. But, yeah.

We were circles in a square world
Sore thumbs among the bandaged and healed
United we stood against the cold you need something a teeny bit different from what you had - emphasis was driving me to read away from "cold" and to emphasize "front" instead, which I don't think is what you wanted?
And blustering blizzardswell, maybe strike it out. I'm not sure
We braved the world, small army at hand -
hexagons who didn't know
where they fit -
So they followed us,
Because the squares were too stiff
And just wanted to roll

Anyway, so that's just a bit of playing. I cleaned up a couple of they/it/who/that references to make it so all the shapes were personified. If you're doing that, you'll want to keep all pronouns as who/he/she, not the it/that you had in one or two places, especially in keeping with the "we" of your narrator. I love how you play with the idea of rolling - one suggestion for the end of this, though - I'd recommend not separating "and roll/and roll" with line breaks of any kind, but rather a simple comma, and keep them on the same time. Not sure you need "and never stop," but that's mostly just personal preference than anything. I'd rather see "and roll and roll and roll" with the implied "never stop" than to see it outright.

Anyway! I enjoyed what you've done with this - and I do have to agree with 'Rina about the Flatland bits, much as I didn't like reading it when I was forced to in highschool ^^