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Young Writers Society


Romantic Fiction: Lover's Assumption



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Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 19
Sun Sep 25, 2005 2:18 am
amoerizzle says...



His gaze trapped her. She was powerless against him; she knew that because of her love. She stood motionless, stuck in his trance. He broke the connection, muttering a profanity, then turned and walked out the door. Her eyes followed his movement, stunned by his abrupt change in mood.

Rachel looked to the window, seeing soft flakes of snow falling to the ground. Tears stung at her eyes, thinking of how special this trip was supposed to be for her and Peter.

It was their first Christmas together and she had rented a beautiful cabin in the mountains for a week. She had got off of work and came down early, decorating the Victorian style log cabin and getting it ready for them.

She thought back to the previous day when Peter had first arrived. She had been so happy to see him and so excited to spend this time with him. They had been distant here lately, and she thought that getting away from everyday life might restore their relationship to what it once was.

Since Peter had arrived though, their relationship had been even more strained than before. He had been acting as though he wished he was anywhere but here, alone with her. Every time she got within 10 feet of him, he would pull away and move to sit at the opposite side of the room. Finally, sick of being ignored, she confronted him. Five minutes and a screaming match later, he stormed out the door, got in his car, and left.

Rachel looked up above the fireplace, checking the clock, and discovered that it was already half past ten. She had spent the past four hours, crying in a chair, thinking of Peter. She loved him more than she had ever loved anyone else. He was the only person she ever could love, for no one else could ever measure up to his greatness. She would have done anything at all for him, and now regretted fighting with him.

She walked to the back door and opened it, sucking in a breath as the cold air hit her. She sat down on the towering porch swing on the screened-in porch, looking out into the near blizzard. At least five feet of snow now stood on ground.

Teeth chattering, body huddled, Rachel began to worry about Peter. He hadn’t come back yet, hadn’t called. Unable to take the cold any longer, she went back inside. She sat down on the couch, waiting, the whole time thinking of how badly she had screwed up with him.

After two hours of tears, she grew tired and decided to take a shower and go to bed. Finally, after one, she laid down. It had been about seven hours since Peter had left and Rachel was beginning to get even more worried. Unable to sleep, she lay in bed hoping to hear from him in the morning. Just as she was about to fall asleep, the phone rang beside her. Hopeful, she picked it up.

“Hello,” she said anxiously.

“Yes, is this a Rachel Brown?” asked a deep, male voice.

Rachel’s hand tightened around the phone as she answered. “Yes, this is she.”

“Ms. Brown, my name is officer Henry Sheldon. Do you know a Peter Foster?” Rachel quit breathing. “Yes, is he okay?” she asked.

“Yes, he’s fine. He was in a bad accident just off of Highway 64. His car hit a piece of ice, slid off of the road and rolled into a light post. He hit his head on the steering wheel and was knocked unconscious. A trucker, who saw the crash, stopped and called 911. He’s at Cushing Memorial. They’re holding him until 9 o’clock tomorrow morning. At that time, they’ll release him only if someone is there to pick him up. He gave us your name,” he finished.

Hardly able to breath, Rachel choked out, “Okay, I’ll be there. Thank you.” She hung up the phone, stunned at what she had just heard. She thought of driving to the hospital right then, it was only about an hour drive, but decided against it, knowing that it wouldn’t be a good idea in this weather. Hopefully, she would be able to make the trip in the morning without any difficulty.

Rachel fell asleep, dreaming of how her and Peter’s weekend should have gone.



Rachel awoke early and hurriedly got dressed and ate breakfast. While sitting at the kitchen table, sipping coffee, she thought, once again, of Peter and how she shouldn’t have brought up the distance between them. She looked to the clock above the stove. It read 6: 48. She sighed, picked up her purse, and decided to leave.



The roads to the hospital were now cleared and the sun was out, melting the snow into slush along the side of the road. After getting Peter’s room number from the receptionist, she set off, searching for the room. When she had come across it, she waited hesitantly at the door.

It was 8:15, she was in no rush, but she knew that she couldn’t put off the inevitable.
Rachel walked up to the door, and slowly inched inside. Peter, catching a movement at his door, looked over to her as their eyes met and held. Slowly, she glided towards his bed, never once losing eye contact. She stood there for a second, unable to think, let alone breath. She reached her hand up and grazed it alongside his cheek, careful not to disrupt the bandage above his right eye.

Tears burned behind her eyelids, as she reminded herself to breath. It was hard seeing him like that, bruised and damaged, knowing that it could have been so much worse. Being the cause of it hurt, too. She didn’t know what she would have done, had he been seriously hurt. He grabbed her hand and placed her palm to his lips. Willing herself not to cry, she turned her chin the other way.

“Look at me,” he commanded softly. She did, as her tears defied her and rolled down her cheeks.

“I’m so sorry,” she started, now sobbing at his side. “I didn’t mean t…” Her voice trailed off as he thrusted a small, black box into her hand. She stared at it for what seemed like hours as Peter began talking.

“I know I haven’t been very fair to you here lately, I’ve been surly and hurtful, and for that, I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I’ve just been anxious and worried around you lately, especially this weekend. I wanted this proposal to be perfect for you, but I was just so afraid you’d say no.”

Rachel’s eyes got wide.

“I love you, Rachel, and I always will. I am yours forever, if you’ll have me for that long,” he stopped and smiled. “Will you marry me and be mine forever?”

She looked into his eyes as a fresh set of tears began trickling down her face. She leaned forward to kiss him.

“Is that a yes?” he teasingly asked. She grinned.

“Yes!”
  





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20 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 20
Wed Apr 19, 2006 11:58 pm
Clover Madison says...



I liked this story. I thought the ending was really cute. It made me smile. There were a few parts that stuck out though while I was reading it.

He was the only person she ever could love, for no one else could ever measure up to his greatness. She would have done anything at all for him, and now regretted fighting with him.


"He was the only person she could ever love" sounds better. Ever could is just a really odd combination. If you wanted to emphasize this sentence more I'd say make it: "He was the only person she could ever love. No one else could ever measure up to his greatness." (its fine with the comma if you wanted to keep it)

When she had come across it, she waited hesitantly at the door.


This sentence would be better if you took out the first part. You already mention that Rachel was looking for the room so its okay just to say "She waited hesitantly at the door." Plus there is more drama that way.

Peter, catching a movement at his door, looked over to her as their eyes met and held.


This was a really random view change. If you want to change your point of view with Peter it would be better to continue with it. Otherwise try: "Her eyes met Peter's as he heard the door open. They held each others gaze for a long moment." or something to that extent. Make sure its from Rachel's point of view.

She stared at it for what seemed like hours as Peter began talking.


This sentence just didn't make sense at all. It should either be "She stared at it for what seemed like hours as Peter spoke" or "She started at it for what seemed like hours before Peter began speaking." If neither of those is what you meant by this sentence then I missed the meaning. (sry)

I really like how Rachel was counting the hours. I thought that was a great way to show her nervousness. This story was really cute.
  





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Reviews: 447
Sat Apr 22, 2006 5:02 am
Duskglimmer says...



I have to admit, it seemed somewhat contrived to me that this would all happen because he was so nervous about proposing to her. I mean, it was cute and all, but it would seem me that at some point he would step back and realize what he was doing and make himself stop or maybe blurt out something like "I love you!". I think you could probablysolve that by giving the reader some of the "screaming" match, so that they know Rachael's attitude during this. I'm figuring that she was particularly hurt and looking to attack him and if you showed that it would explain more why he left like he did. It would also give her more to regret as she's sitting there counting the hours (which, I agree, is a very nice touch).

Besides that, I thought this was fairly well written, not much stood out to me other than what Clover Madison has already pointed out, although I did find this:

She stood there for a second, unable to think, let alone breath.


This should be "breathe", as should this:

Tears burned behind her eyelids, as she reminded herself to breath.


Also:

Rachel’s eyes got wide.


I'm not a fan of the use of the word "got" in this sentence. It seems a little out of place and abrupt. I don't know if it's technically grammatically incorrect, but I know that my teacher wouldn't be happy with me using it like this. I would suggest changing it to "grew".

Besides that, I enjoyed this. It had a nice twist at the end, was easy and pleasant to read and did a good job to telling the story. Well done.
The robbed that smiles, steals something from the thief. ~William Shakespeare, Othello
Boo. SPEW is watching.
  





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42 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 42
Sat Apr 22, 2006 1:36 pm
Jerikas says...



The end was not what I expected but the accident was a bit cliched. If you change the accident to something different like him just coming back or something more interesting then I think the story will improve.
That was the only thing I noticed and other than that it's a good story.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
  








We are all broken. That's how the light gets in.
— Ernest Hemingway