Young Writers Society

Ive got another story that is literally pouring out of me and I have to see if Ive got something so please comment.
Chapter one
Your kow how people say nothing can ever get more worse from already being worse, well whoever told you this is either a monk or some relgious freak preaching about the father, the son, and the holy whatever you call it. Its different to those who grow up with a father who drinks beer like a fish and thinks abuse is a hobby or to have a mother who is so out of it she dosent know up from down; this is when you realize it aint getting any better. At sixteen I was completly at my witts end and sick of waiting for things to get better. I can remember just to get the pain and anger out of my system I started a fight with the thoughest girl at our school, when we went at it I never felt the blows of her punchs, now dont get me wrong I whooped her ass. She never told anyone due to the fact I was a sophmore who wore ripped jeans and an ACDC shirts all the time so I never got into any trouble for it. To my surprize it never helped, only made it ten times worse.
At seventeen it wasnt any better so I placed a razorblade to wrist and cut, I didnt even feel the pain as the crimson red blood dripped onto the cold tiled floor. Laughing at what I had done, I walked into the school hallway and passed out.

Well Iam going to cut this one short and will continue shortly...plz crit

sorry for mispelled words

Great framework but it really needs 'filling out' if its worked right it could be a great novel.

Your kow how people say nothing can ever get more worse from already being worse

I think you should take a look at this sentence... this is how i would have worded it.

"You know those people that saything nothing can be worse than what it already is" and i think its a question, even if it is retorical so it may need a

Its different to those who grow up with a father who drinks beer like a fish and thinks abuse is a hobby

"Its different for those" rather than "its different to those" well thats just me really

or to have a mother who is so out of it she dosent know up from down; this is when you realize it aint getting any better

" Or who hasa mother" rather than "Or to have a mother"

[/quote]At sixteen I was completly at my witts end and sick of waiting for things to get better.

This is good, it will need a heck of a lot of detail on the things 'she', im taking it that this is a 'she' wants to get better but its a good idea.

I can remember just to get the pain and anger out of my system I started a fight with the thoughest girl at our school, when we went at it I never felt the blows of her punchs, now dont get me wrong I whooped her ass.

personally i think you should work on this sentence, i dont know what its missing or whats wrong it just dosnt sit right.

She never told anyone due to the fact I was a sophmore who wore ripped jeans and an ACDC shirts all the time so I never got into any trouble for it.

there has to be another reason why this girl never told anybody, it just dosnt seem realistic to me.

To my surprize it never helped, only made it ten times worse.

helped what? Made what ten times worse? Details would be great.

At seventeen it wasnt any better so I placed a razorblade to wrist and cut, I didnt even feel the pain as the crimson red blood dripped onto the cold tiled floor. Laughing at what I had done, I walked into the school hallway and passed out.

There are tones of storys out there about teenage girls going through issues and depression (I've writen a couple myself) so yours needs something special to stand out, other than that very nice, really, i know its just a framework but personally i think this story is going to need a lot of detail and explantions, once again very nice start. :thumb:

oh dear, sorry about quoting myself, that does make things a little confusing dusn't it... i have learned my lesson, never talk while criting

its okay and thanks for your advice...its a work in progress and I hope everyone will like it...it just came to me and i promise you will see some love scenes later

Good work, I see it really did pour out of you.

You didn't tell me you had another story goin'. I read the comment from the other person, and she got all of the things I saw. Good job though. Keep it going and I know it can turn into something great.
Lily.

Thank you

You did a really good job on this...I agree with them. There are alot of mispelled words and then there are all the things that Shadowdancer commented on. Those were the only things i saw. My favorite part was:

At seventeen it wasnt any better so I placed a razorblade to wrist and cut, I didnt even feel the pain as the crimson red blood dripped onto the cold tiled floor. Laughing at what I had done, I walked into the school hallway and passed out.


Good job and keep up the good work!

It was good, but left much to be desired. I'll giv you the obvious grammar mistakes first.

Your kow how people say nothing can ever get more worse from already being worse, well whoever told you this is either a monk or some relgious freak preaching about the father, the son, and the holy whatever you call it.

You (no r) know (spelling) how people say nothing can ever get (no more) worse? (punctuation) Well, (new sentence and comma) whoever told you that (that, not this) is either a monk or some religious (spelling) freak preaching about The Father (capitalize), The Son (capitalize), and the Holy (capitalize) whatever you call it.

Its different to those who grow up with a father who drinks beer like a fish and thinks abuse is a hobby or to have a mother who is so out of it she dosent know up from down; this is when you realize it aint getting any better.

It's (apostrophe) different to those who grew (past tense) with a father who drinks beer like a fish and thinks abuse is a hobby. (end sentence) Or to grow up (add words) with a mother who is so out of it that (add the word that) she doesn't (apostrophe) p from down. (end sentence) This is when you realize it ain't (apostrophe) getting any better.

At sixteen I was completly at my witts end and sick of waiting for things to get better. I can remember just to get the pain and anger out of my system I started a fight with the thoughest girl at our school, when we went at it I never felt the blows of her punchs, now dont get me wrong I whooped her ass.

At sixteen, (comma) I was completly (spelling) at my wits (one t) end and sick of waiting for things to get better. I can remember a time (add words) when I started a fight with the toughest (spelling and rearange words) girl at our school just to get the pain and anger out of my system. When we went at it, (comma, new sentence) I never felt the blows of her punches (spelling). (end sentence) Now don't (apostrophe) get me wrong; (Semicolon) I whooped her ass.

She never told anyone due to the fact I was a sophmore who wore ripped jeans and an ACDC shirts all the time so I never got into any trouble for it. To my surprize it never helped, only made it ten times worse.

She never told anyone due to the fact that (add the word that) I was a sophmore who wore ripped jeans and (no an) ACDC shirts all the time. I never got into any trouble for it. (new sentence) To my surprise (spelling and comma), it never helped; (semicolon) but only made it ten times worse.

At seventeen it wasnt any better so I placed a razorblade to wrist and cut, I didnt even feel the pain as the crimson red blood dripped onto the cold tiled floor. Laughing at what I had done, I walked into the school hallway and passed out.

At seventeen, (Comma) it wasn't (apostrophe) any better so I placed a razorblade to my (add the word my) wrist and sliced (more descriptive word and end the sentence). I didn't (apostrophe) even feel the pain as the crimson red blood dripped onto the cold, (Comma) tiled floor. Laughing at what I had (add the word had) done, I walked into the school hallway and promptly passed out. (add the word promptly.


Anyway. I felt that it was a summary that might go on the back of the book. I didn't think it was a chapter at all as it wasn't very long and wasn't very detailed. I liked the concept, it rang true, just expand on it some and watch your grammar and word choice. Good job thought.

It was good, but left much to be desired. I'll giv you the obvious grammar mistakes first.

Your kow how people say nothing can ever get more worse from already being worse, well whoever told you this is either a monk or some relgious freak preaching about the father, the son, and the holy whatever you call it.

You (no r) know (spelling) how people say nothing can ever get (no more) worse? (punctuation) Well, (new sentence and comma) whoever told you that (that, not this) is either a monk or some religious (spelling) freak preaching about The Father (capitalize), The Son (capitalize), and the Holy (capitalize) whatever you call it.

Its different to those who grow up with a father who drinks beer like a fish and thinks abuse is a hobby or to have a mother who is so out of it she dosent know up from down; this is when you realize it aint getting any better.

It's (apostrophe) different to those who grew (past tense) with a father who drinks beer like a fish and thinks abuse is a hobby. (end sentence) Or to grow up (add words) with a mother who is so out of it that (add the word that) she doesn't (apostrophe) p from down. (end sentence) This is when you realize it ain't (apostrophe) getting any better.

At sixteen I was completly at my witts end and sick of waiting for things to get better. I can remember just to get the pain and anger out of my system I started a fight with the thoughest girl at our school, when we went at it I never felt the blows of her punchs, now dont get me wrong I whooped her ass.

At sixteen, (comma) I was completly (spelling) at my wits (one t) end and sick of waiting for things to get better. I can remember a time (add words) when I started a fight with the toughest (spelling and rearange words) girl at our school just to get the pain and anger out of my system. When we went at it, (comma, new sentence) I never felt the blows of her punches (spelling). (end sentence) Now don't (apostrophe) get me wrong; (Semicolon) I whooped her ass.

She never told anyone due to the fact I was a sophmore who wore ripped jeans and an ACDC shirts all the time so I never got into any trouble for it. To my surprize it never helped, only made it ten times worse.

She never told anyone due to the fact that (add the word that) I was a sophmore who wore ripped jeans and (no an) ACDC shirts all the time. I never got into any trouble for it. (new sentence) To my surprise (spelling and comma), it never helped; (semicolon) but only made it ten times worse.

At seventeen it wasnt any better so I placed a razorblade to wrist and cut, I didnt even feel the pain as the crimson red blood dripped onto the cold tiled floor. Laughing at what I had done, I walked into the school hallway and passed out.

At seventeen, (Comma) it wasn't (apostrophe) any better so I placed a razorblade to my (add the word my) wrist and sliced (more descriptive word and end the sentence). I didn't (apostrophe) even feel the pain as the crimson red blood dripped onto the cold, (Comma) tiled floor. Laughing at what I had (add the word had) done, I walked into the school hallway and promptly passed out. (add the word promptly.


Anyway. I felt that it was a summary that might go on the back of the book. I didn't think it was a chapter at all as it wasn't very long and wasn't very detailed. I liked the concept, it rang true, just expand on it some and watch your grammar and word choice. Good job thought.

Well, after reading part two, I had to read this to figure out what was going on. I got the general gist of it anyway. It seems that you've been critted well enough, but I just have one suggestion. If you read it out loud to yourself, you'll find places where what you mean to say and how you would read it might not fit together, like where you need to add a question mark or something. Also--paragraphs are your friends. I look forward to more.

PS--Linking to the other parts of your story in each thread would help a lot.

That was really nicely written. I think a lot of people can relate to the girl. Sometimes a lot of people feel like there is no way life will get better.
Dani