Young Writers Society

Sorry, Read "Kiss the Damsel"

wow set it out properly first so more people will make the effort to read it, i got about half way through and then had to stop because my eyes hurt! Other than that its a generally good story so far and once you've changed the set out of it all i might come back and finish, no i will come back and finish reading it.

eh... could you space between all the dialogues? it's so hard to read when its mushed together... it hurts the eyes, seemed good so far, then it kinda got like a soggy oreo cookie... squished

Stuff you should keep in mind:

- Formatting. Egads, people. It's really very simple. Crayon said it, too — space your paragraphs properly and more people will be willing to read it.

Observe:

“He caught your eye, didn’t he?”
“I beg you pardon!”
“You are pardoned. All I’m saying is that it isn’t common that an uncommon person is uncommonly talked about in doors.”
“We spoke profusely about scores of people. Why do you find it odd now?”
“Jane, Jane, Jane…if you admire the man, there’s no reason to hide it.”
“I beg your pardon!” She gasped.
“You are pardoned.”

And now, with the magic of the "Enter" key, it becomes:

“He caught your eye, didn’t he?”

“I beg you pardon!”

“You are pardoned. All I’m saying is that it isn’t common that an uncommon person is uncommonly talked about in doors.”

“We spoke profusely about scores of people. Why do you find it odd now?”

“Jane, Jane, Jane…if you admire the man, there’s no reason to hide it.”

“I beg your pardon!” She gasped.

“You are pardoned.”

Ta-da! No more eyesore. The world sleeps better, and hypothetically more people will read your story.

- Dialogue punctuation. Again, something that is relatively simple.

“He is not a killer, Jane. You are over-exaggerating.”
“All I’m saying is that he could be.”
Jane replied, setting her book aside.

should be

“He is not a killer, Jane. You are over-exaggerating.”

“All I’m saying is that he could be,” Jane replied, setting her book aside.

(Note the formatting.)

And:

“Marcus Daniel is a very preserved man and I wonder how on earth we started talking about him. It seems to me that I have reached my conclusion.” She sung.
“And what, pray tell, is that?” Jane snatched, a tad bit annoyed by her sudden indirect accusation.

should be

“Marcus Daniel is a very preserved man and I wonder how on earth we started talking about him. It seems to me that I have reached my conclusion,” she sung.

“And what, pray tell, is that?” Jane snatched, a tad bit annoyed by her sudden indirect accusation.

Unless, of course, Pamela really is breaking out into song, in which case you've got another problem on your hands of completely nonsensical actions at odds with the dialogue itself.

- Word choice. - I don't know if you purposely chose these words or if they're simply typos, but either way — proofread and correct.

“And what, pray tell, is that?” Jane snatched, a tad bit annoyed by her sudden indirect accusation.

should be "Jane snapped".

They were both in the marriage mart and still they had not found the right husband.

Marriage market? I suppose you could hypothetically interchange it with "mart", but in its present connotations, i.e. "Wal-Mart," it's at odds with some of your more archaic word choice.

----

My first and foremost suggestion is to format it properly and re-read. The dialogue itself is very confusing (and wooden, but that's something we'll hopefully talk about later) simply for the misplaced tags. Make sure you've got the "Jane replied," and "Jane said," tags in the same paragraph as her dialogue. Ditto Pamela.

Fix those things and I'll come back for slightly more in-depth critique.

Alright people, I'll space...I was just too lazy, so to say. (sigh) You guys are so critical. lol...cool, by the way.

Wow, I'm impressed. I think you're the first person who has actually listened to me about the formatting. Congratulations. You get, um, a cookie.

... now, all you have to do is fix the dialogue punctuation and word choice and you'll be set for more in-depth critiques.

Um, could you maybe...spruce up the story a little? I tried to get half-way through and I just couldn't. It was hard to read because it just seemed like they're sipping tea, talking daintily, and so on and so forth. I'm sure this could turn into a good story if you just put a little more action into it.

There is more to the story. It's going to be a lot more interesting...just read it and you'll see...trust me.

All right-keep writing!