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Young Writers Society


Winnie (more to come)



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37 Reviews



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Points: 890
Reviews: 37
Wed Sep 13, 2006 1:02 am
Tazy says...



He walked along the shore, the icy cold wind bellowed harder than ever. He couldn’t believe she was dead. He only meet her a fort night ago. Yet he new she was the one the one and only. The way she looked at him made him feel so special, so alive and interesting. He new without a doubt that she loved him just as much as he did her. He could see it in her stunning brown eyes. But now she was gone all he had left of her was what was clasped in his hands. Charles looked down at the urn. He opened the lid, watched her get scattered across her favourite spot thanks to the bellowing wind. A slight smile crept up onto his tired worn out face. She’d be happy here was what he told himself. It was the only way he got through.

*****

Charles was convinced that he would never find his true companion. As face it, he just wasn’t good enough well at least in his mind this was the case. He wasn’t a good looker and he thought himself somewhat unintelligent and just down rightly uninteresting. Girls didn’t look at him in a way that made them approachable. And they always hung in large mobs. Which made the odd occasion when he did get that feeling towards a girl it made it very difficult to act upon?

The class was silent as Mrs Morton opened her mouth to introduce the new exchange student.
“She’s from Japan and I hope you intend to welcome her with open arms her name is Winnie. Come in Winnie.” Stated Morton. In came Winnie her black hair pulled into a Bun a smile lighting up her inquisitive brown eyes. And it was at that moment that Charles felt something. Something he had never felt before. It was love different to what he felt for those other girls this was the real deal but he new she wouldn’t feel the same way as he was going to be single from eighteen till the day he died. He new that in his heart. But that didn’t stop him from just staring at her fascinated by her every feature. It wasn’t until she gave a little nervous giggle that he became aware of his staring. But she didn’t look annoyed not like Chelsea Small. Who when she caught his gaze when he’d gone into a similar trance. Told him he was ugly and that she was way out of his league.
Just belive and you will acheive!
  





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402 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1586
Reviews: 402
Wed Sep 13, 2006 1:31 am
Wiggy says...



Nice start, but nothing special. Guy wants girl, gets her, loses her deal.

Also, please work on your grammar. This story was very hard to get through, and I highly suggest you fix it by correcting your sentences and separating it into proper paragraphs. Whenever someone speaks, a new paragraph is started and also there are commas and such after things.

Nice attempt, and if you heavily work on it, I think it can become a great story! Keep writing!

Wiggy ;)
"I will have to tell you, you have bewitched me body and soul..." --Mr. Darcy, P & P, 2005 movie
"You pierce my soul." --Cpt. Frederick Wentworth

Got YWS?
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 85
Fri Oct 06, 2006 11:45 pm
pandoraswritings says...



Tazy wrote:As face it, he just wasn’t good enough well at least in his mind this was the case.


What? As face it? I'm not sure that makes sense. And you need a colon or a new sentence.

Tazy wrote:Which made the odd occasion when he did get that feeling towards a girl it made it very difficult to act upon?


Are you asking me? I think you meant to say something like:
Which made the odd occasion when he did get that feeling toward a girl very difficiult to act upon.

He wasn’t a good looker and he thought himself somewhat unintelligent and just down rightly uninteresting. Girls didn’t look at him in a way that made them approachable. And they always hung in large mobs. Which made the odd occasion when he did get that feeling towards a girl it made it very difficult to act upon?

Tazy wrote: “She’s from Japan and I hope you intend to welcome her with open arms her name is Winnie.


Run-on. ...open arms. Her name is Winnie.


Tazy wrote:In came Winnie her black hair pulled into a Bun a smile lighting up her inquisitive brown eyes.


Comma's desperatley needed. After: Winnie, and bun (which needs to be in lowercase).

[quote="tazy"] It was love different to what he felt for those other .girls this was the real deal but he .new .she wouldn’t feel the same way as he was going to be single from eighteen till the day he died. He .new .that in his heart. But that didn’t stop him from just staring at. her fascinated by her every feature.[\quote]


You need a period between girls and this.
The word "new" should be spelled "knew". (you did this twice)
This makes no sense to me: "she wouldn’t feel the same way as he was going to be single from eighteen till the day he died."
The word "that" should be "this"
Between her and fascinated should be a comma.
  








The bird that would soar above the level plain of tradition and prejudice must have strong wings. It is a sad spectacle to see the weaklings bruised, exhausted, fluttering back to earth.
— Kate Chopin, The Awakening