Young Writers Society

"Have you ever wondered if those love movies can ever happen in real life?
Well i didnt.."

The music filled the church. Men and women on both sides stared at the door. A man wearing a dark grey suit stood at the alter. waiting. But she never came. The man ran to the church door, pushing open its withered brown sides. Its hinges creaked as he saw his bride. Running down the road. Her elegant silver dress swaying in the wind.
"KATIE!"
"KATIE!"
"Katie..."

(Sevral days later.)

Katie pushed back her long brown hair. Her crystal blue eyes shined upon the movie screen. She was watching another love film.
"If only i could meet some one like that.." she whispered to herself. Dreaming.

The movie had finished. She got up and walked towards the lobby.
"Have you ever seen one of those classic love scenes? were they lovingly meet at an elegant, estravagnat point. Their eyes meeting lovingly in the middle, before they reached into each other to kiss. Well i wish that could happen to me."

She felt a thud behind her as she was about to walk out.
"Hey!" her voice stern and controlling.
"Im so sorry." The strangers green eyes shining in the light. He brushed his black hair to the side of his face and smiled.
"Thats.. thats ok.." Katie couldnt find the right words, and when she did speak they only came out as whispers.
"Are you alright?"
She lost herself in his deep green eyes.
"Oh yes. yes! im alright."
"ok.. ill see you around.." His voice trailed off as he left the movie theatre.

"Now comes the scene from most movies. the women meets a guy in a brief encouter, but he slips away to soon.."

The next day.

"Come on lets go Katie!" Her voice was commanding, but suprisingly sweet. Maybe it was the fact that her light blond hair waved in the wind as she ran inside.
"Wha.!? Jessica, what are you doing here!?"
"Well you said lets go for lunch, so lets go."
"Jessica."
"I know this great restarunt."
"Jessica!"
"So what would you like?"
"JESSICA!"
"What?! Are you coming or not!"
Without giving Katie much choice, jessica grabbed her arm and dragged her outside.

After a short car ride they got to the resturant.
"Sushi bar.. How.. original.." she read the name of the sign.
They sat down on the wooden garden seats. they saw infront of a trimmed hedge next to a grey fountain.
A man came over to them.
"Hello im Mark."
Katie turned her glance up as she brushed her brown hair back.
"Hi again."
It was him from the cinema. His green eyes glistening against the crystal blue fountain water. He was back!

Part 1 finished.

I like it, now im not one to tell you any actually fixure uppers like sentance structure or what nots. beacuse if there is once thing im REALLY bad at its that. But as far as Plot and Conflict go, i liked it, and would love to read more.

Hello there Romance isn't my thing but I think I can do sentence fixer uppers as armonia called them.

A man wearing a dark grey suit stood at the alter[comma] waiting. [remove: But] [capitalize: she] never came.

she whispered to herself. Dreaming.

not only would I say 'she whispered to herself [comma] dreaming." but, you start with -ed and end with -ing. So the tenses are wrong. Perhaps you should change it to "She whispered to herself as she dreamed" which...still doesn't sound right. Perhaps you should make it it's own sentence? "She dream about..." Long dialog tags are never real useful either unless you can pull them off correctly.

Have you ever seen one of those classic love scenes? were they lovingly meet at an elegant, estravagnat point.

Extravagant. Try to run things through a spell check first (if its not in your word processor, try http://www.spell-check.net)

This sentence here sounds weird:
Their eyes meeting lovingly in the middle, before they reached into each other to kiss.

They reached into each other to kiss? What?

"Hey!" her voice stern and controlling.

Her voice was...

The strangers green eyes shining in the light.

shined. keep up with your tense, this isn't the first I've noticed so I'll stop pointing them out, you find them for yourself.

Wha.!? Jessica, what are you doing here!?

'Wha' is not exactly a full word

"Hello im Mark."

Capital 'I' apostriphy 'm'

Alright now for the critique. I found a lot so I'll try to hit each point...First your characters weren't described very thoroughly, leaving me not connected to them. I hear brunette hair, green eyes, grey suit. It's like features and clothes flouting, but I see no person.

Second, the constant cuts, quotes, and break are rather annoying, and unneeded in fiction. If its our main characters thoughts, says so otherwise remove them and create flow.

Third, its very flat and colorless, and could really use some make up give it some pzazz! Make it a good read!

Fourth, it seems cliche. Just like she watches romance movies and the same things happen to her, its cliche. It feels like a romance movie, which are cliche. Make something your own! (even though every idea is a repeat) maybe her new found lover from the theater is really a druggie rapist only wanting to do her, than sell her body for money to get some E? who knows! But something new would be nice.

just the way it is....