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A Halloween Story



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Wed Dec 13, 2006 5:57 am
Certainly Love says...



The night was as it always was, dark and so cold. The fog was thicker than it usually was on Halloween and there was something different in the air, as if there was someone watching her…Danielle closed her opened window and as she touched the handle, it was cold as ice. She felt shivers crawl up her spine and she couldn’t get that nagging feeling out of her head that someone was watching her.

She had always gone out on Halloween night, touring the town, going to places where she expected spirits to be, but there was one place she liked the most and that was Dracula Manor. It was an old abandoned building, very old, very eerie. The place was probably more than a hundred years old. Danielle thought it was the most interesting place in world, considering that she had a fetish for vampires and gothic things. She use to venture there almost every night with her best friend Gary Knightly, but tragedy had taken his life. Since his death, Danielle never ventured Dracula Manor again.

It had already been three years since she had been to Dracula Manor and tonight was the night she would reunite with her past---to visit the memories she had with her dear friend Gary Knightly. Danielle put on her favorite black cloak and the new boots she had gotten down at Jane’s. Neatly, she tied her long brunette hair and clipped it up; already she had the look that would drive any man mad.

Just as Danielle walked outside, she was in a whole new world. Every boy and girl in town was trick-or-treating and they were so adorable in their costumes. She just loved the sound of children laughing. Danielle then looked up as she opened her car door. Dracula Manor stood out in the night, it was such a drag that it had to be so far away and up on a hill. However, on her way to the manor, Danielle played her classical music and there was just something oddly different in the air and she just could not fathom what it was. The music made her feel so…strange and her windows were so fogged up that she could barely see.

Danielle finally entered the gate and as she did so she felt like she had reached home. Dracula Manor. It was as if nothing changed. Everything was exactly as it was. Taking her flashlight, Danielle hurried into the manor and found that it was so silent without Gary. Usually they’d be snickering and giggling, and making sure they didn’t leave each other. Now she was all alone and there was no laughing, no sound of anything.

Silently, Danielle ascended the stairs and smiled as she hit every creek. It was just like old times, only Danielle was by herself. Danielle then headed to the music room where the old piano could still be played, but then as she approached the room, she heard someone playing the piano. Whoever it was, they seemed to play it with much enthusiasm. But who would be brave enough to come up here and play the piano? No one ever came up here but her.

Danielle peeked inside the room and just as she did, the music stopped. There was no one in the room. Danielle dropped her flashlight and all her senses were on full alert. Panic filled her like never before and Danielle started to make a run for it. She felt like something was following her. Reaching for the door, Danielle tried to open it, but it would not budge.

“No. please.” Danielle was already crying. Then, as if on cue, she heard footsteps sounding in the distance and heard the voice of a man. He was singing. Dear god, it was like a scary version of Phantom of the Opera.

“Nobody knows my fair lady, the lady that comes to see me each night…With hair that falls gently behind her back, to which she smiles, I marvel at her sight.”

Danielle couldn’t help but scream, closing her eyes as she did. She screamed as if she never screamed before and suddenly it was quiet. Just when she thought that her nightmare was over, she opened her eyes and there she saw a man who was staring straight at her with eyes so blue that it penetrated through her very soul. Danielle was about to scream some more but her voice didn’t allow her to do so.

“You don’t have to scream you know.” he said. Danielle scooted herself away from him and slid to the floor. “Do I frighten you?” She was nodding and breathing fast. The man or rather ghost---whatever it was, sighed, “That is a problem.” he mumbled.

“Please, let me go.” Danielle said as she quivered with fear. “Is this some kind of joke?”

“’Tis no joke. You’re in my house and in my house---”

“This is your house? I thought it was abandoned for many years.” Danielle knew that she was being scared over nothing. There was no such thing as ghosts.

“I’ve lived here for over a hundred years.”

“I---a hundred years?” Danielle laughed, “This is no time for jokes. Tell me; are you from out of town?”

He shook his head, “I’m afraid not. You see, I want something from you. You have always ventured here on my property and it is now time for a little---let’s say…compensation.”

“What could you possibly want?”

“Let me see. What do I want?” He stated more than he questioned. Suddenly he squatted down beside her to look her in the eye, “I want you, your blood, everything actually.”

“What? Are you crazy?”

“Me? Crazy? No, I’m just hungry.” he smiled and Danielle saw his fangs as clear as the day.

“You’re---you’re a---” She stammered.

“A vampire? Yes. I am not wearing a costume you know.” He then stood up and helped Danielle to her feet. Danielle stepped back. He stared at her and examined her from head to toe.

“Hmmm. That is very interesting.” He then came closer, a little too close. “I think I’m going to like you.” He whispered.

“If you are what you say you are, then why should I believe you? How do I know you‘re real?” She said, thinking that there were many people out there that had the creative ability to make things seem so real. In her mind she thought, he could be lying.

“Simple.” Larry then floated up into the air and Danielle just couldn’t believe her eyes.

Danielle tried to laugh, but she couldn’t laugh without feeling like she was going to die. “Are you going to kill me?”

“I don’t kill, I just drink. What is your name, if I might ask?”

“I’m Danielle Vaughn.”

“Danielle. Fantastic. My name is Larry Zimmerman.” Larry then smiled and that was when Danielle realized that he looked incredibly handsome. He had the most charming smile and he was quite tall, possessing dark brown hair. The clothing he wore looked like what people in the past use to wear. He was probably ancient by now. Larry stared at her and in that instant, she knew that she wasn’t going anywhere. What he knew was that he was going to make her his.

“I say, you look rather dashing. Young blood is the best tasting blood you know, but I rather think it isn’t nice to…”

“To what?”

“Nevermind. It isn’t common for creatures like us to fall in love with humans, but I find…I can’t help myself.”

“I thought it was in your nature to lust.”

“It is.” He said seductively, “Now that you mention it, I rather like the thought of having you…”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean what I say.”

Danielle watched as he let his tongue wet his lower lip. He looked utterly gorgeous, but falling in love with a walking corpse didn’t sound romantic at all. Yet, she felt so mesmerized by him. She was feeling something strange again and she felt drawn to him as if he was pulling her to him, making her float into the air. The feeling was sensational, yet she was scared as well.

“What are you doing to me?” She asked in a daze.

“I am making you feel. I‘m a vampire, remember? I can enthrall anyone I wish.” Larry then brought Danielle into his arms and just when he was about to kiss her, they were interrupted.

“Larry? What on earth are you doing?” Another vampire came down from the cracked open ceiling.

Danielle slipped from his embrace and Larry placed her gently upon the ground as she lay immobile.

“It doesn’t look like you’re going to feast. It looks as if you are going to ravish her. Please tell me you are not trying to romance her.”

“And if I am?”

“If you are, I think you better tell her. She probably thinks you’re going to devour her.”

Larry glanced at her and smiled, “She’s pretty.”

“No doubt.”

“Gary, you are interrupting me. What could you possibly want?”

“I was going to ask you if---”

Suddenly, Danielle was up on her feet. She was holding a sharp edged piece of glass. “Get away from me!”

“Oh boy, I think you are going to experience her bad side. Are you sure you want a wife so…hostile?” Gary said as he laughed.

“Shut up, Gary.” He then turned to Danielle.

“Get away!”

Larry then approached her, “Darling, what do you think you’re going to do, cut me?”

“If you come any closer I will.” Danielle then made her way to the door. “Let me go.”

“No,” Larry said with disappointment.

“Let her go, Larry. She’s scared death as it is.”

“She knows too much…and besides, I like her. I want her as my wife…”

Danielle wasn’t listening and as they argued, she was trying to open the door. There was no way she was going to stay in here with vampires that didn’t even act like it. Danielle finally got the door open and just when she was about to make a run for it. Larry quickly took her by the arm, taking her back inside and slamming the door shut. When Danielle finally looked at him, he was as furious as ever. He looked as if he were ready to murder someone. There was no mistaking the anger in his eyes. His eyes glowed a bright blue and the way he glared at her was so possessive.

“You don’t ever run from me!” He roared.

Gary, on the other hand, shrugged and decided to leave them alone. “I am truly sorry for interrupting. Really, it was nice to meet you.” With that Gary left, but little did he know that the very person he was speaking to was his very friend.

Gary was clenching his fists together and just then thunder sounded and lightening struck. His eyes glowed even more. There was just something about his fierceness that drew Danielle and it wasn’t that he was furious, but that he was real. He had the power to entice, the power to take a life, and the power to drive one mad with want. Indeed, this vampire was no human being and the thought thrilled her.

“I have been waiting for you for so long and you run from me. I have not even done anything to scare you off, nothing that would make you fear me.”

“You were going to bite me.” She said, not sure whether she should be afraid, angry or contained.

“I wasn’t going to bite you…I…I was going to,” He paused, “I was going to kiss you.”

“What did you mean when you said you’ve been waiting for me?”

“I’ve been watching you for the past year or so. I was looking for a wife. Apparently, I find you to my liking so I made you want to come here. Then we could be properly introduced.”

“I am a human.”

“And what should stop you from becoming one of us?” Danielle said nothing. Larry, still holding his angry gaze toward her, began to walk to her. “I know what you want and I have what you want. There is no reason to be afraid. If you were afraid, you wouldn’t be staying in here--trying to talk things out.”

Larry then straightened his shoulders, “Well, since we have our differences settled, I see no reason to stop what I have begun.”

“And just what have you begun?”

“The beginning of your new life…as my wife.” he smiled. Danielle didn’t say a word. He was right, she did want this, for she felt like she knew him in some way…and it almost felt like home.

“And just how are you going to accomplish that?”

“Oh, you have a lot to learn, my dear. I plan to keep you mesmerized and yearning. Trust me, you will like it.” He then motioned her to follow him and she followed without another word. The manor was still dark, but soon, she was taken by surprise when she saw the terrace. It was a beautiful sight. Flowers were overly grown and the pillars were being embraced by the vines.

“This is where I spend my time. You see there.” he said pointing to a light, shining in the distance. “That is where I first saw you.”

Larry paused to look at her and slowly he took her by the chin. “You are ever so beautiful…Come.”

Danielle thought he was going to take her somewhere, but he just took her by the hand and kissed it. By the looks of it, it seemed as though he was already planning his seduction. He planted soft tender kissed upon her arm and she felt goose flesh rise all over her. Suddenly he looked up and Danielle saw his eyes, those blue eyes that penetrated into her very soul. Just then, Larry gathered her into his arms and began to kiss her. Danielle was quite surprised by the feeling it brought. This kiss was nothing like she felt before.
Sincerely, Amanda R. Holden, Author of Azyea's GIfts
  





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Fri Dec 15, 2006 2:16 pm
Myth says...



Green = Comment/Correction
Blue = Suggestion
Black = Review

*

The night was as it always was, dark and so cold. The fog was thicker than it usually was on Halloween and there was something different in the air, as if there was someone watching her…Danielle closed her opened window and as she touched the handle, it was cold as ice. She felt shivers crawl up her spine and she couldn’t get that nagging feeling out of her head that someone was watching her.


Repetition is one of the things that stop me reading but in this case it can be easily avoided. ‘someone was watching her’, could instead be something like: she was being watched?

She use to venture there almost every night with her best friend Gary Knightly, but tragedy had taken his life.


‘use’ = used

It had already been three years since she had last been to Dracula Manor and tonight was the night she would reunite with her past---to visit the memories she had with her dear friend Gary [s]Knightly[/s].


^^^ Consider the suggestion.

One more thing, how does a person visit their memories? Wouldn’t they ponder or reflect instead?


Danielle put on her favorite black cloak and the new boots she had [s]gotten down at[/s] bought from Jane’s.


^^^ See quote.

Neatly, she tied her long brunette hair and clipped it up; already she had the look that would drive any man mad.


What was this look? Was she very pretty?

However, on her way to the manor, Danielle played her classical music and there was just something oddly different in the air and she just could not fathom what it was. The music made her feel so…strange and her windows were so fogged up that she could barely see.


I think you can do without the ellipses. I love the addition of music, I know exactly how she feels.

Now she was all alone and there was no laughing, no sound of anything.


‘laughing’ doesn’t sound right there, try ‘laughter’.

Silently, Danielle ascended the stairs and smiled as she hit every creek. It was just like old times, only Danielle was by herself. Danielle then headed [s]to[/s] for the music room [s]where[/s] with the old piano [s]could still be played[/s], but then as she approached the room, she heard someone playing the piano.


^^^ See suggestion.

Danielle peeked inside the room and just as she did, the music stopped. There was no one in the room. Danielle dropped her flashlight and all her senses were on full alert. Panic filled her like never before and Danielle started to make a run for it. She felt like something was following her. Reaching for the door, Danielle tried to open it, but it would not budge.


I think the action was a little too soon or rushed. When people panic, usually, they tend to feel shaky or their mind goes blank. What was it that scared her? The fact that there was no one in the room, the music or because she was facing this alone, without Gary?

She screamed as if she had never screamed before and suddenly it was quiet.


^^^ See quote.

“You don’t have to scream you know.” he said. Danielle scooted herself away from him and slid to the floor. “Do I frighten you?” She was nodding and breathing fast. The man or rather ghost---whatever it was, sighed, “That is a problem.” he mumbled.


The periods should be commas. For now call the person ‘man’ as Danielle doesn’t know what he is, the only way he could be a ghost would be if he was transparent or he told her what he was. Unless you want to label your ghosts differently.

“Me? Crazy? No, I’m just hungry.” he smiled and Danielle saw his fangs as clear as the day.


Capitalise the ‘h’ in ‘he’.

“If you are what you say you are, then why should I believe you? How do I know you‘re real?” She said, thinking that there were many people out there that had the creative ability to make things seem so real.


Check your apostrophe in you’re, it is the wrong one.

“Simple.” Larry then floated up into the air and Danielle just couldn’t believe her eyes.


Who is Larry? The vampire person? I don’t think you should use his name as this is from Danielle’s point of view.

Danielle tried to laugh, but she couldn’t [s]laugh[/s] without feeling like she was going to die. “Are you going to kill me?”


^^^ See quote.

“I’m Danielle Vaughn.”


I don’t know, but would she really tell her his name? Or is she under a trance which you have not stated yet?

The clothing he wore looked like what people in the past use to wear. He was probably ancient by now.


Why not be a little more specific. Does/Can Danielle guess from which year the clothing may originate? Or gives hints as shirt ruffles, long collar, a great overcoat, etc.

Nevermind. It isn’t common for creatures like us to fall in love with humans, but I find…I can’t help myself.”


‘Nevermind’ is two words: Never mind

“Let her go, Larry. She’s scared to death as it is.”


^^^ See quote.

Danielle wasn’t listening and as they argued, she was trying to open the door. There was no way she was going to stay in here with vampires that didn’t even act like it.


Act like what?

Danielle finally got the door open and just when she was about to make a run for it. Larry quickly took her by the arm, taking her back inside and slamming the door shut.


I think you were meant to combine these sentences, the first left off with the period.

With that Gary left, but little did he know that the very person he was speaking to was his [s]very[/s] friend.


^^^ See quote.

Gary was clenching his fists together and just then thunder sounded and lightening struck. His eyes glowed even more. There was just something about his fierceness that drew Danielle and it wasn’t that he was furious, but that he was real. He had the power to entice, the power to take a life, and the power to drive one mad with want. Indeed, this vampire was no human being and the thought thrilled her.


Isn’t it meant to be Larry?


1) Character

Danielle – I liked Danielle at first, don’t know why but I just did. But then when she got to the Manor she was like every other female that has been seduced by a vampire. I had thought she would be able to resist, give her a little resilience so it doesn’t always go the vampire’s way.

Larry – The vampire. I didn’t like him at all, he was arrogant in believing he knew what Danielle wanted and making her think he was ‘gorgeous’. He is like every other vampire I’ve read about, there wasn’t anything that made him unique or ‘special’ in his own way. I despised him from the start but if you altered his character maybe you can get me to change my mind.

Gary – I think you shouldn’t have introduced Gary to the story just yet. He is Danielle’s friend and she believes him to be dead. Instead of telling the read that this was the very Gary who was Danielle’s friend, have her recognize him (maybe his voice?) and then this would surprise them both. I’m neutral on him but I think him wanting to leave Larry and the ‘girl’ was not the best idea, if he doesn’t agree with Larry making her his wife why doesn’t he stop him?

2) Dialogue

In most places the dialogue was a little clichéd. The vampire is the ‘intellectual’ one while the human in ‘dumb’. You mentioned Danielle had an interest with vampires or Gothic things. Wouldn’t she have read books in which vampires and humans make contact and then make up her mind on what to say? I’m sure she doesn’t really want to become Larry’s wife.

3) Description

This was lacking in description. I have no clear picture of what Dracula Manor looks like, you gave no description of the outside or the interior. What makes Danielle interested in going to the Manor? Was it beautiful in her mind or was it just somewhere she went with Gary? Without any of this it was hard to imagine the place.

On the whole I thought it was interesting from the start. You lost my attention a couple of times while reading the dialogue and the introduction of Larry, as I have mentioned you can always go back and change the characters to suit the story and with description it will be a whole lot better.

I did find the clichéd vampire boring; think about how you can have a more original approach. Vampires have been done many times but new ideas are what makes them all the more interesting.

-- Myth
.: ₪ :.

'...'
  





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Mon Jan 08, 2007 2:24 pm
miyaviloves says...



This is good, although i agree with osme of the points that Myth has made about the characters, they are a little cliché, maybe adapt them more to create a vampire story which is more original with new ideas, something that other vampire stories have not covered before. Other than that, well done, i hope you keep writing!

miyaviloves
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“Hope” is the thing with feathers - That perches in the soul - And sings the tune without the words - And never stops - at all -
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