Young Writers Society

*These are three exerts from my story, all romantic of course. But I felt the need to say that these weren't the whole story there is more. Oh and its fantasy-ish too. And I use my name because it was my favorite name when I changed it so I still use it*

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Greg picked Rory up and easily carried her to the couch. It seemed strange, someone so strong could be so venerable. The pain in her face went deeper than what the vampires did to her today.

He'd help her, he decided. She'd need help if she was going to take on the vampire coven. he didn't doubt that she would, her hate for the vampires proved that.

Aside from him also wanting to kill vampires he didn't want to leave her. She was beautiful, intoxicating so. Not to mention the fact that she was fun, exciting, and passionate about her work.

He felt a chill come from around the room and pulled the blanket over her. He took the space heater away from the window and put it near the couch.

She rolled onto her side, hoping it would help her breathe. She felt like she was wearing a corset, a very tight corset. Her breathing was too shallow to move the small amount of blood she had left. Every little movement was like running a hundred miles.

"Greg," she gasped her voice weak.

"Rory?" Greg looked over at her, "Rory, honey, I'm here," he said taking her hand.

She chuckled weakly, "I haven't been called 'honey' for a long time. I-" she stopped and started gasping for air.

"Rory? Rory?" she looked up at him, still gasping, her eyes both full of pain and something Greg didn't quite recognize. "Rory," he kissed her hand, "honey I love you." She couldn't gather enough air to say it back, but her eyes were enough for him.

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Alice's back started to hurt from sitting like that, so she laid back. It felt kind of awkward staring at Thanos's back. But before she could reach up and pull him down he turned around to face her.

"Hey stranger," she nearly whispered.

"Hey," his voice was as low as hers. "Alice there's some-"

"No, I know what you're going to say; I've felt it too, its just because we've been alone in the woods together for three weeks. It was bound t happen eventually."

"Can we establish what 'it' is please?"

"'It is what we're feeling about each other right now."

"You mean love?"

"It's not love."

"What is it then?" he asked and leaned in closer.

"Um... sexual tension from being stuck together."

"No, Alice, it isn't. This is love, and it goes deeper than these last few weeks."

She propped herself up on her elbows, "how much deeper?"

"Alice, my angle, I've loved you since the first time I saw you."

"Really?"

"Really, really."

"I've loved you since the first time we spoke."

Thanos's eyes lit up with delight and he leaned over to kiss her. They laid on the ground for a long time. Alice's head pillowed against his chest with his arm wrapped around her waist.

"You know," he said, "these jeans are starting to grow on me." Alice giggled and looked up at him.

"You know what? I'm getting used to this place, and being here with you." He kissed the top of her head.

"Good, because I am too."

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"Oh come on Sara, you can't ignore whats going on here forever."

"James, nothings going on here." James caught her arm as she tried to leave.

"Yes there is, whether you admit it or not."

"So," she said defiantly, "it doesn't matter. Once we handle the dragon problem I've gotta go back to Illinois, and you've got to stay here!"

"So that's what you're afraid of? What happens when its all over?"

"Its a perfectly good reason to stop this."

"Sara," he took her by the shoulders, "whatever happens tomorrow happen tomorrow." He moved his head to meet her eyes, "but today will never happen again, so why not take it in all its glory? You're so afraid of being hurt you're not even going to try to be happy."

"Why is it so important to you?" She tried to wriggle out of his rock hard grip.

"Because," he said simply.

"Because why?"

"Because I don't want to see you old and alone!"

"Why?" Was she really going to make him say it? The look in her eyes said yes.

"Because... Because I love you! Because I would die without you!"

"I love you too you idiot." The look on his face was shocked. Didn't he see that coming? Good God, he was an idiot. He wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her into a deep kiss.

"Sara Paige Matthews, I love you, and I'm going with you back to Illinois."

I see a few mispells in your exerts.

There are a lot of grammatical errors in this that were minorly distracting. Also, I feel like you could work a lot on the character development and dialogue in this, as there was nothing to really distinguish all the characters from each other. They all seemed too alike, in personality, relationship, etc. However, I can't say much about this as it's just an excerpt. It'd be easier to give a comment if there was more of this posted. I can't really say anything else about it I guess...soo keep writing and good luck with this!

This was very good although I think that biancarayne is right. Your characters need to be more distinguishable and less...soppy. I like your writing, especially the first part but they were all very similar.

It was bound t happen eventually

#to.#

Sara Paige Matthews

Are you a Charmed fan by any chance? LOL.

Keep it up!
Alainna
xxx

Alainna>>> I'm not why?

I shall answer that Alice. One of the main characters in charmed is called Paige Mathews but I guess it was just a huge coincidence. Personally I prefer Prue anyway but that's off topic.

Here's my critique...

Greg picked Rory up and easily carried her to the couch. It seemed strange that someone so strong could be so vulnerable. The pain in her face went deeper than what the vampires did to her today.

He'd help her, he decided. She'd need help if she was going to take on the vampire coven. He didn't doubt that she would, her hate for the vampires proved that.

Aside from him also wanting to kill vampires, he didn't want to leave her. She was beautiful, intoxicating [s]so[/s]. Not to mention the fact that she was fun, exciting[s],[/s] and passionate about her work.

"Greg," she gasped, her voice weak.

****************************************

Alice's back started to hurt from sitting like that, so she laid back. It felt kind of awkward staring at Thanos' back. But before she could reach up and pull him down he turned around to face her.

"No, I know what you're going to say; I've felt it too, its just because we've been alone in the woods together for three weeks. It was bound to happen eventually."

Thanos' eyes lit up with delight and he leaned over to kiss her. They laid on the ground for a long time; Alice's head pillowed against his chest with his arm wrapped around her waist.

*********************************************************

"So that's what you're afraid of? What happens when it's all over?"

"It's a perfectly good reason to stop this."

"Sara," he took her by the shoulders, "whatever happens tomorrow, happens tomorrow." He moved his head to meet her eyes, "but today will never happen again, so why not take it in all it's glory? You're so afraid of being hurt you're not even going to try to be happy."

"I love you too, you idiot." The look on his face was shocked. Didn't he see that coming? Good God, he was an idiot. He wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her into a deep kiss.
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In general, I liked them but I agree that you need to give the characters more personality.

Hello, there, author!

I like your writing style - it flows beautifully, and your characters have very natural dialogue. It is very hard to critique excerpts from large pieces of writing, because as a reader, I don't know what has gone on before this and how well your characters are developed.

Taking these pieces out of context, I would say you need lots more character development, but I have a feelng that because these are excerpts, these things have been taken care of before this point in time. Therefore, I am not going to lecture you about character development.

I'm going to go through this chunk-by-chunk... and I'll try not to repeat too much of what has been said above.

Greg picked Rory up and easily carried her to the couch. It seemed strange, someone so strong could be so venerable. The pain in her face went deeper than what the vampires did to her today.

Again, vulnerable? I think it would be cool if you gave us a more vivid description of Rory's face here. I love how you worded the part about the pain in her face, but I am still wondering what that looks like. Is she pale? Squirming? Is her face red?

He'd help her, he decided. She'd need help if she was going to take on the vampire coven. He didn't doubt that she would; her hate for the vampires proved that.

Er, I really don't think the last line 'her hate for the vampires proved that' is necessary. If she's taking on a vampire coven, I somehow doubt she likes vampires.

Aside from him also wanting to kill vampires he didn't want to leave her. She was beautiful, intoxicatingly so. Not to mention the fact that she was fun, exciting, and passionate about her work.

I think that if you omitted the phrase beginning with 'aside' and just started with 'he didn't want', it would make the flow of this paragraph more natural and easy to follow. The last sentence didn't seem to fir; it's all right that Greg sees this in her, but it's worded in a very 'sidenote' way, if you know what I mean. If you made it a more prominent part of the sentence, it would sound better.

She rolled onto her side, hoping it would help her breathe. She felt like she was wearing a corset, a very tight corset. Her breathing was too shallow to move the small amount of blood she had left. Every little movement was like running a hundred miles.

"Greg," she gasped, her voice weak.

"Rory?" Greg looked over at her, "Rory, honey, I'm here," he said, taking her hand.

She chuckled weakly, "I haven't been called 'honey' for a long time. I-" she stopped and started gasping for air.

"Rory? Rory?" she looked up at him, still gasping, her eyes both full of pain and something Greg didn't quite recognize. "Rory," he kissed her hand, "honey, I love you." She couldn't gather enough air to say it back, but her eyes were enough for him.

You use 'gasping' three times in this segment; it gets a little old by the end. Also, why the sudden switch in POV? First, we had 3rd person from Greg's POV and now we switch to Rory. It's confusing. In blue, I'm questioning your word choice. How do you gather air?

On the 1st one: a sweet little piece. I don't know much background, but I know it has something to do with vampires. I don't understand the sudden switch in POV; I think you should just stick with one. I would have liked to see more vivid description of body language and the actual appearance of something - not just what emotions/sensations were in something.

Alice's back started to hurt from sitting like that, so she laid back. It felt kind of awkward staring at Thanos's back. But before she could reach up and pull him down he turned around to face her.

Er, how is she sitting? And the last sentence doesn't make a lot of sense.

Hey stranger," she [s]nearly[/s] whispered.

"Hey." His voice was as low as hers. "Alice there's some-"

"No, I know what you're going to say; I've felt it too. It's just because we've been alone in the woods together for three weeks. It was bound to happen eventually."

"Can we establish what 'it' is please?"

"'It is what we're feeling about each other right now."

"You mean love?"

"It's not love."

"What is it then?" he asked and leaned in closer.

"Um... sexual tension from being stuck together."

"No, Alice, it isn't. This is love, and it goes deeper than these last few weeks."

She propped herself up on her elbows, "how much deeper?"

"Alice, my angle (angel? Alice, my darling geometry angle?) , I've loved you since the first time I saw you."

"Really?"

"Really, really."

"I've loved you since the first time we spoke."

Get rid of nearly; you have the same effect just using 'whisper'. I like the way you used dialogue tags in this section - wonderful. The dialoge seemed rather cliche- overused, if you will - but I have not read much else of these characters do I don't if that's just the way they are.

Thanos's eyes lit up with delight and he leaned over to kiss her. They laid on the ground for a long time, Alice's head pillowed against his chest with his arm wrapped around her waist.

"You know," he said, "these jeans are starting to grow on me." Alice giggled and looked up at him.

"You know what? I'm getting used to this place, and being here with you." He kissed the top of her head.

"Good, because I am too."

Interesting ending. If it is Greg who is saying the last line, move the 'he kissed the...' sentence to the last line with it, so the reader knows who is speaking.

On the second one: It was okay. Your style is nice and natural, but the scene didn't really speak to me, mostly because the dialogue and situations were rather cliche.

"Oh, come on, Sara, you can't ignore what's going on here forever."

"James, nothing's going on here." James caught her arm as she tried to leave. (move this sentence down to the next piece of dialogue)

"Yes there is, whether you admit it or not."

"So," she said defiantly (body language to go with this?), "it doesn't matter. Once we handle the dragon problem I've gotta go back to Illinois, and you've got to stay here!"

"So that's what you're afraid of? What happens when it's all over?"

"It's a perfectly good reason to stop this."

"Sara," he took her by the shoulders, "whatever happens tomorrow will happen tomorrow." He moved his head to meet her eyes, "but today will never happen again, so why not take it in all its glory? You're so afraid of being hurt you're not even going to try to be happy."

The part in red sounds awkward. How about just saying 'he met her eyes'? I think it's a little strange that the guy goes into this sweet speech so readily, but again, I don't know your character very well.

"Why is it so important to you?" She tried to wriggle out of his rock hard grip.
"Because," he said simply.

"Because why?"

"Because I don't want to see you old and alone!"

"Why?" Was she really going to make him say it? The look in her eyes said yes.

"Because... Because I love you! Because I would die without you!"

"I love you too, you idiot." The look on his face was shocked (body language? What does this look like?). Didn't he see that coming? Good God, he was an idiot. He wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her into a deep kiss. (last sentence go to next line)

"Sara Paige Matthews, I love you, and I'm going with you back to Illinois."

The part in red sounds very painful; he has a rock hard grip? I think 'firm grip' would sound better. A pretty good section.

On the third one: I liked it the best. It still seemed a little cliche, but I think putting it in the context of unique characters, it will be better. Watch out for where you put lines of action in conjunction with dialogue. It can confuse the reader.

Some overall suggestions:

1. Review your grammar. You may have noticed that I made some corrections; reviewing your grammar will make this easier to read.

2. Show me. Often times when you said there was pain or shock in someone's face, I felt a bit more specific showing would do better (like body language). Even just a verb to describe the emotion entering a person's face gives the reader more of an image.

3. Cliche. I know I've already touched on this, but focus on unique characters who have unique dialogue in order to avoid this pitfall of a lot of romantic writing.

And is romanticness even a word?

Anyways, happy editing! I hope this helped. Nice job and keep writing. PM me if you have any questions.