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RAY AND ME



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Fri Jul 13, 2007 1:08 am
SASSYLADY333 says...



Chapter Three: For Ashley, It Doesn’t Go Up

So now it’s around five o’clock and the preparations are nearly over. I’m sitting in a corner as everyone swoons over him and he seems happy enough. It’s just kind of weird to see your boyfriend wear more make-up then you. Oh well, he was so nice to look at that I forgot to feel secretly mad and left out. Or maybe it’s because I think Ray is too important to ever feel that way. Anyway, I was staring at him (like staring at the television) my backstage pass over my neck, daydreaming of our future. It was really relaxing and I wished he had more time to himself. Or maybe this is his time, maybe he loves this a lot more then I’ll ever know…

As the make-up artist and hairdressers left the room bumping into me I came alive again and took a small breath. Then I noticed an odd look on Ray’s face. Like he hated to sit there with pre-performance jitters.
He turned to me, “ Cecee get over here.”

I smiled and walked over to him, I stood behind him my hands on his shoulders. We both looked in the mirror. My caramel-red skin glowed in the room quite nicely, it shocked me.

Suddenly with no warning Ray got up from the chair and went to the door calling the people back into the room. I stared at him curiously, “ What, Ray? Is one of your highlights off?”, of course I said it with a playful smile.

He didn’t answer as the hairdressers and make-up artist got in the room he blew various commands. The first one apparently at me, “ Alicia, sit in that chair.”

It was like I was on autopilot and I sat down no questions asked. Then he said various other things to the people in the room. Evidently, most of it had to do with being polite to other people, which according to Ray they were not. Then all a sudden they all attacked and start poking at my hair and my face. Somewhere in this cautious Ray said he would be warming up.
And when I was made-up head to neck, more people took me to wardrobe. Which were apparently emergency outfits for Ashley Simpson. Wow, these people really didn’t want Ray pissed. Piss, he was like a cuter Jesse McCartney. Why not follow his divo demands? Ah, see new word, divo! The male diva, I’m going to see how Ray likes it…

Finally I got a peek into the mirror, I nearly gasped. I looked good, really good. My hair was soft and shiny, my make-up perfect, and my out-fit topped it all off. “ I look good, dinnna nana nana Na, I knew that I would. That’s right, Ahhh!”

And I started dancing right in there because I was alone, then the door burst open. I stopped abruptly to Mike the meanest manager on Earth staring at me.

“ Uh…Hi, Mike, how are you?” I said trying to get over the fact that I was caught dancing while ruining a James Brown song. :shock:

“ Who the hell are you?” He demanded,[ he was average height, blond forty year old male. The type of man, that the moment you saw him you felt intimidated.]

“ It’s me, Alicia!”

Why was he always forgetting who I was? He was Ray’s manager; he should know I held a place in Ray’s heart. In other words he should’t treat me like crap.

“ Oh, you? I thought he broke up with you… How’d you get all the clothes and make-up?”

Mike had walked in the room by now calming down a little, which was never good. He tended to say rude thongs in this state. “ I don’t know, Ray got those people to do it…”

“ Well, there’s only so much they could do.”

I look at him in anger and he laughs it off, “ Joking Alicia, just I’m not sure what your doing here.”

“ Ray invited me.” :evil:

“ Sure, you stalk him to his bungalow unexpectedly, just… We wouldn’t want Ray to get distracted with GIRL-friends. Now would we?”

“ Ahem, soul-mates, and of course not.” I walk up to him in anger, “ How many times do I have to tell you people my intentions with Ray are nothing but good? I’ve known him a LOT longer then any of you have! And I should ask YOU what YOUR intentions with Ray are. You don’t know him or care about him like I do! Never!”

I was yelling so loud, and I walked out the room slamming the door. I didn’t win though; making a big old fuss was exactly what Mike wanted. I walked in a huff down the hall my arms folded across my chest and as I pass another hallway I hear my name called.

I turn around curious; I see Ray and smiling walked over to him, “ Hey Ray!”

Ray smiled a big smile taking my hand, “ You look great! Wow, I thought I was the most beautiful one here, but I’m like an nine compared to your hundred.”

I laugh my utterly annoying laugh, the one I used to envy girls for, because when you have a boyfriend laughing like a horse comes natural. “ Ray, I couldn’t believe you did that, it was sexy.”

Ray seemed aroused at the word; I realized to late, it was because someone very weird looking stood next to him. Nonetheless Ashley Simpson! Wow, ugly- haired, big-nosed, boyfriend stealer Ashley Simpson! (Beware of that last one).

“ Oh, my gaaa…” Yeah, of course that was me talking.

“ Well. Alicia this is—.”

“ Ashley Simpson naturally. Hey, nice to meet you, I’m, I’m Alicia!” Like some kind of Emma Roberts reject I stuck out my hand and she looked laid back and well… mean. Just a little.

“ Hi, nice to meet you. Are you a friends of Ray’s?” [She seemed nice enough in person, her hair currently blond, like maybe in real life she wasn't just like the rumors said. Made me a little guilty looking at her in person, to believe those rumors. But then again, any girl i didn't know by Ray i had to watch.]

Now, what could I say not to embarrass Ray? Usually when I told people Ray was my boyfriend I’d go on about our whole lives…. And I couldn’t do that in front of a celebrity, nonetheless a boyfriend stealer. [ most likely]

“ Well, yeah, I’m his girlfriend! And it is so nice to meet you. Ray,” I say turning to him, “ I don’t see how you do it! Meeting all these celebrities and staying so calm! Ashley don’t you just love him?”

She grabbed my arm, “ Definitely he’s a sweetheart and he’s got all the girls after him. I think it’s so cool how he can sing Christian music and be so popular. I wish Jessica had done that…”

I smiled I was hanging out with a celebrity walking into a back stage party, with my boyfriend!

Ray had a sweaty palm in my other hand. “ What’ s wrong? You never have sweaty palms.” I whisper to him, i knew every particular thing about Ray and sweaty palms was not a good thing.

In fact looked a bit fatigued as we paused at the door of the party and Ashley went inside to greet all the guest, her entourage finally caught-up with her.

“ Yeah, let’s not go in there, let’s sit.” Ray suggested , pulling me back away from the door. It was like a door into another dimension, and all i saw was the back of a certain white rapper.

“ Okay, but jeez I’ve never been to a backstage party.”

Ray smiled ignoring my rants and pulled me way, way down the sound stage hall into an empty sitting room.

We each sat down on a comfy couch. “ What did you want to do in here Ray?” I ask dumbly.

So rather then tell me he showed me, exactly what he wanted to do. And it totally helped that the room was a bit dim. Soon our affection of love got carried away.

“ Ray…” I began nervously, but embarrassed he got up.

“ Never mind, I’m going on in two minutes come watch me from the side of the stage”, he said, although as we talked we were breathing a bit shallow.

“ Wait a second.” I protest but Ray grabbed my hand standing me up. He rubbed my cheek a little, and I ask,“ You nervous Ray?”

“ No, not really usually I pretend you’re the on the side watching me. But this time there’s no need now. This is going to be my best performance ever.”

“ Yeah. Good thing it’s on television.” I say sarcastically.


However Ray wasn’t nervous a bit in his opening act. He looked like he’d been doing the music thing for years. Seriously the crowd went wild, and Ray looked so happy like he’d do this for the rest of his life, with me his main supporter, always by his side. [If that were possible].
Ray ended up singing THREE songs instead of just one.

I told him people were really there to see him and not Ashley Simpson, but I guess he thought he just warmed up the audience for her. As he walked off the stage he came and hugged me, we were both laughing, and he said “That was so cool Cecee!”

“ You look like your high, with happy!”

“ You, with laughing gas?”

He was right we couldn’t stop laughing, and we would have seen exactly what happened if we weren’t. But of course I saw it on television later. So we were catching our breaths and all a sudden we hear the yelling and screaming from the crowd.

It took me a second to realize they were booing at her. It suddenly all made sense. Ashley Simpson 2004 Saturday night live lip-sings losing one quarter of her loyal fans. Then later big ass super bowl, Ashley sings entire audience of like 34,000 boo her. Then earlier this year Ashley has big concert, but she cancels because she’s sick. Sneaky photographer catches her ice-skating; fans waste 800 or more dollars on tickets and an idol.

And Ray the hottest new artist of the year, hot guitarist CHRISTIAN SINGER! Come on Ashley was trying to use him to recollect her fame and it backfired BIG time. I thought it was amazing how EVERY single person could agree that she deserved a good booing. I know there’s some kind of mob terminology… Like with an angry mob that ‘s yelling at someone you could hide and say something out loud to make them change their minds or do something violent. And these ex-fans were kind of an angry mob. So groups of people must have started booing, causing every other person to boo. Amazing, I learned all this from a Series Of Unfortunate Events by Lemony Snicket.

When I told all of this to Ray, he looked confused for a moment, “Yeah, I think her sound system got messed up…. Where’d that all come from?”

“ What’d what come from?”

“ All that stuff you just said.”

“ Live and learn baby, live and learn.”

Ray smiled, “ That kind of turned me on…. But we’ll talk about this later I have to save the concert.” Make-up artist tried to freshen Ray up and Mike was talking a mile a minute as Ray got ready to hit the stage again.

But Ray began to walk away, but I grabbed his shirt, “ Wait, must you forget so quickly?”

“ Forget what?”

And I showed him exactly WHAT I meant.
  





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Wed Jul 25, 2007 8:12 pm
biancarayne says...



I don't recall if I read chapter two or not...I think I read chapter one and meant to comment on that, but again i have noo idea.

It was like I was on autopilot and I sat down no questions asked.

I think there should be a comma after down.

Somewhere in this cautious Ray said he would be warming up.

^Not sure what you mean by that, but it might just be me...

He tended to say rude thongs in this state.

A typo here...unless you meant thongs of course, in which case no typo at all.

I realized to late

Need one more o on the end of that to...

[She seemed nice enough in person, her hair currently blond, like maybe in real life she wasn't just like the rumors said. Made me a little guilty looking at her in person, to believe those rumors. But then again, any girl i didn't know by Ray i had to watch.]

the i's need to be I's...

Soon our affection of love got carried away.

Not sure what you mean by that...affection is love, right? I think you mean expression but I dunno...


He was right we couldn’t stop laughing, and we would have seen exactly what happened if we weren’t. But of course I saw it on television later.

Obviously by that you mean whatever it was that caused the fans to boo at Ashley...well glad you know because we (the readers) still don't know ;)

Oooh, and one last nitpick thing...the smilies are a little distracting...not sure if they're really exactly necessary or not.

Otherwise, definitely a good start! You've got some good dialogue in this I think, and the way you've written it makes it very easy and engaging to read. Although, I think maybe a wee bit more description or something would spice this up a wee bit, but otherwise, good job!
  





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Points: 890
Reviews: 196
Wed Jul 25, 2007 10:18 pm
Lady Sydney says...



GAH! I critiqued this once already, and the whole thing erased! *kills the 'submit' button. :evil: *sigh* Ah well. Hopefully it works this time. If it doesn't, Mr. Submit Button and I aren't going to get along too well. So.... here we go again!!!!!!

---

It’s just kind of weird to see your boyfriend wear more make-up then you.
Should be 'than'.

Anyway, I was staring at him...
Should be 'am' if you are speaking in first person.

Anyway, I was staring at him (like staring at the television) with my backstage pass over my neck, daydreaming of our future.
You needed 'with' in there.

It's [s]was[/s] really relaxing and I wish[s]ed[/s] he had more time to himself.
You switched tenses here. Be sure to keep first person if you are making this in your POV.

...maybe he loves this a lot more then I’ll ever know
1. 'Then' should be 'than' and you don't need the ellipses. A period is fine if you are ending the sentence.

You have this sentence written in third person:
As the make-up artist and hairdressers left the room bumping into me I came alive again and took a small breath.
It should be:

As the make-up artist and hairdressers leave the room, bumping into me, I come alive again and take a small breath.


Then, I noticed an odd look on Ray’s face.
You needed a comma after 'then'.

You switch tenses here again:
He turned to me, “ Cecee get over here.”
It should be:

He turn[s]ed[/s]s to me, “ Cecee get over here.”


I smiled and walked over to him, I stood behind him my hands on his shoulders. We both looked in the mirror. My caramel-red skin glowed in the room quite nicely, it shocked me.
This is written incorrectly if you are writing this through your perspective. It's in third person when it should be in first. It's suppose to be:

I smile and walk over to him. I stand behind him with my hands on his shoulders. We both look in the mirror. My caramel-red skin glows in the room quite nicely; it shocks me.
I added 'with' in there, by the way, after 'behind him'. :wink: Be sure to stick with one POV throughout the whole piece, otherwise the reader gets confused.

Suddenly, with no warning, Ray [s]got[/s] gets up from the chair and [s]went[/s]goes to the door, calling the people back into the room. I stare[s]d[/s] at him curiously, “ What, Ray? Is one of your highlights off?”[s], [/s]Of course I said it with a playful smile.


He [s]didn’t[/s] doesn'tanswer as the hairdressers and make-up artist [s]got[/s] comein the room; he blew various commands. The first one apparently at me, “ Alicia, sit in that chair.”


It was like I was on autopilot and I sat down no questions asked.
Eh... I'm not sure exactly how to improve this, but I know it doesn't exactly suit the story/paragraph.

Then,he [s]said[/s] says various other things to the people in the room.


Evidently, most of it ha[s]d[/s]s to do with being polite to other people, which, according to Ray, they were not.


Then, all of a sudden, they all attack[s]ed[/s] and start poking at my hair and [s]my[/s] face. Somewhere in this cautious Ray said he would be warming up.
Somewhere in this... 'cautious'?? :? That doesn't make much sense... to me, at least.

And [s]when[/s] onceI [s]was[/s] ammade-up, head to neck, more people [s]took[/s] takeme to wardrobe.


...me to wardrobe. Which were apparently emergency outfits for Ashley Simpson.
Take out the period after 'wardrobe', add a comma, and decapitalize 'which' in the upcoming sentence.

Piss, he [s]was[/s] is like a cuter Jesse McCartney.


The male diva, I’m going to see how Ray likes it…
You need a period or semicolon after 'diva' and you need a period after 'it' instead of the ellipses.

Finally, I [s]got[/s]get a peek into the mirror[s], I [/s]and I nearly gasp[s]ed[/s]. I looked good, really good. My hair was soft and shiny, my make-up perfect, and my out-fit topped it all off. “ I look good, dinnna nana nana Na, I knew that I would. That’s right, Ahhh!”


And I start[s]ed[/s] dancing right in there, because I [s]was[/s] amalone. Then, the door bursts open. I stop[s]ped[/s] abruptly [s]to[/s] and find Mike, the meanest manager on Earth, staring at me.


“ Uh…Hi, Mike, how are you?” I [s]said[/s] say,trying to get over the fact that I [s]was[/s] have been caught dancing while ruining a James Brown song. :shock:
Mmm... it may not be best to add emoticons in your story. Makes it a little... immature. :wink:

Who the hell are you?” He demanded,[ he was average height, blond forty year old male. The type of man, that the moment you saw him you felt intimidated.]
Don't tell us flat out how he looks. Paint an image so we can see the same exact thing, but without you telling us his whole image, ya know? :wink:

“ It’s me, Alicia!”
If she is telling him who she is, it should be written as:
“ It’s me! Alicia!”


Why was he always forgetting who I was? He [s]was[/s]is (i assume he still holds the position, yes?) Ray’s manager; he should know that I [s]held[/s] hold a place in Ray’s heart. In other words, he shouldn’t treat me like crap.


“ Oh, you? I thought he broke up with you…
Again, you don't need the ellipses. Just a period.

Mike had walked in the room, by now[/b] calming (Do you mean 'now calmed'?) down a little, which was never good. He tended to say rude [s]thongs[/s] thingsin this state. “ I don’t know, Ray got those people to do it…”


“ Joking, Alicia, just...I’m not sure what [s]your[/s] you'redoing here.”


“ Ray invited me.” :evil:
No no no! No emoticons! *kills the evil smiley* Show us she's angry in narration. ^_^

I’ve known him a LOT longer then any of you have! And I should ask YOU what YOUR intentions with Ray are. You don’t know him or care about him like I do! Never!”
This could just be a nitpick, I'm not sure, but it would be better to put emphasized words in italics... not caps.

I was yelling so loud, and I walked out the room slamming the door. I didn’t win though; making a big old fuss was exactly what Mike wanted. I walked in a huff down the hall my arms folded across my chest and as I pass another hallway I hear my name called.


I [s]was[/s] am yelling [s]so[/s] loudly, and I walk[s]ed[/s] out the room, slamming the door. I didn’t win, though; making a big old fuss was exactly what Mike wanted. I walk[s]ed[/s] in a huff down the hall, my arms folded across my chest and as I pass another hallway; I hear my name called.


I turn around, curious, and [s]I [/s]see Ray.With a smile, I walk[s]ed[/s] over to him, “ Hey Ray!”


Ray smile[s]d[/s]s a big smile, taking my hand, “ You look great! Wow, I thought I was the most beautiful one here, but I’m like a[s]n[/s] nine compared to your hundred.”


I laugh my utterly annoying laugh, the one I use[s]d[/s] to envy girls [s]for[/s]with, because when you have a boyfriend, laughing like a horse comes natural. “ Ray, I couldn’t believe you did that, it was sexy.”


Ray seem[s]ed[/s]s aroused at the word; I realize[s]d[/s] too late, it [s]was[/s]is because someone very weird looking is standing[s]stood[/s] next to him. Nonetheless Ashley Simpson! Wow, ugly- haired, big-nosed, boyfriend stealer Ashley Simpson! (Beware of that last one).
The word 'nonetheless' does not work in context for this type of sentence. You may need to try something else. :wink:

“ Oh, my gaaa…” Yeah, of course that was me talking.
The ellipses aren't needed.

Well. Alicia, this is—.”


“ Ashley Simpson, naturally. Hey, nice to meet you. I’m... I’m Alicia!” Like some kind of Emma Roberts reject, I [s]stuck[/s] stick out my hand and she look[s]ed[/s]s laid back and well… mean. Just a little.


“ Hi, nice to meet you. Are you a friend[s]s [/s]of Ray’s?” [She seemed nice enough in person, her hair currently blond, like maybe in real life she wasn't just like the rumors said. Made me a little guilty looking at her in person, to believe those rumors. But then again, any girl i didn't know by Ray i had to watch.]
Always, always, ALWAYS capitalize "I" when it is standing alone.

Usually, when I [s]told[/s]tell people Ray [s]was[/s]is my boyfriend, I’d go on about our whole lives….[s] And [/s]But I couldn’t do that in front of a celebrity, nonetheless a boyfriend stealer. [ most likely]
Again, 'nonethless' does not work here to sweetly. Try 'nevermind' instead.

Meeting all these celebraties and staying so calm! Ashley, don’t you just love him?”


She grab[s]bed[/s]s my arm, “ Definitely. He’s a sweetheart and he’s got all the girls after him. I think it’s so cool how he can sing Christian music and be so popular. I wish Jessica had done that…”
You don't need the ellipses at the end, just a period will do.

I smile[s]d[/s]. I [s]was[/s] am hanging out with a celebrity, walking into a back stage party, with my boyfriend!


Ray ha[s]d[/s]s a sweaty palm in my other hand, “ What’ s wrong? You never have sweaty palms.” I whisper to him; I know every particular thing about Ray and sweaty palms i[s]wa[/s]s not a good thing.


In fact, he looked a bit fatigued as we paused at the door of the party [s]and[/s] Ashley [s]went[/s]goes inside to greet all the guest, her entourage havingfinally caught-up with her.


...Ray suggest[s]ed[/s]s , pulling me back away from the door. It [s]was[/s] is like a door into another dimension, and all[s] i [/s]I [s]saw[/s] see [s]was[/s] isthe back of a certain white rapper.


"Okay, but jeez, I’ve never been to a backstage party.”


Ray smile[s]d[/s]s,ignoring my rants and pull[s]ed[/s]s me way, way down the sound stage hall into an empty sitting room.


We each s[s]a[/s]it down on a comfy couch, “ What did you want to do in here Ray?” I ask dumbly.


So, rather than tell me, he show[s]ed[/s]s me, exactly what he want[s]ed[/s]s to do and it totally help[s]ed[/s]s that the room [s]was[/s] is a bit dim. Soon, our affection of love [s]got [/s]gets carried away.


“ Ray…” I begin nervously.[s]but[/s] Embarrassed, he gets up.


“ Never mind, I’m going on in two minutes; come watch me from the side of the stage”, he[s] said[/s]says, although as we talk[s]ed[/s], we are breathing a bit shallow.


“ Wait a second,” I protest, but Ray grab[s]bed[/s]s my hand, standing me up. He rub[s]bed[/s]s my cheek a little, and I ask,“ You nervous Ray?”


“ No, not really. Usually, I pretend you’re the on the side watching me. But, this time, there’s no need [s]now[/s]. This is going to be my best performance ever.”


“ Yeah. Good thing it’s on television.” I say sarcastically.
You don't need the ellipses, or a period, or a comma, or... anything.

However, Ray is[s]wa[/s]sn’t nervous a bit in his opening act. He look[s]ed[/s]s like he’[s]d [/s]sbeen doing the music thing for years. Seriously, the crowd [s]went[/s]goes wild, and Ray look[s]ed[/s]s so happy like he’d do this for the rest of his life with me as his main supporter, always by his side. [If that were possible].
Ray end[s]ed[/s]s up singing three songs instead of just one.
I decapitalized "three".

I [s]told[/s]tell him people [s]were [/s]arereally there to see him and not Ashley Simpson, but I guess he [s]thought[/s]thinks he just warm[s]ed[/s]s up the audience for her. As he walk[s]ed[/s]s off the stage, he comes and hug[s]ged[/s]s me; we are both laughing, and he says, “That was so cool, Cecee!”


“ You look like [s]your[/s]you're high, with happy!”


He [s]was[/s]is right, we can’t stop laughing and we would have seen exactly what happened if we weren’t. But, of course, I see it on television later. So, we are catching our breaths [s]and[/s]when, all ofa sudden, we hear the yelling and screaming from the crowd.


It [s]took[/s]takes me a second to realize they are booing at her. It suddenly all [s]made[/s]makes sense. Ashley Simpson, 2004 Saturday night live, lip-sings losing one quarter of her loyal fans. Then, later, big ass super bowl Ashley sings the entire audience of [s]like[/s], about 34,000, boo her. Then, earlier this year, Ashley has a big concert, but she cancels because she’s sick. Sneaky photographer catches her ice-skating; fans waste 800 or more dollars on tickets and an idol.
You missed a few words out in there, I've added them in, but you should check and double check your work before posting, this way you won't make those little mistakes. :wink:

And Ray, the hottest new artist of the year, hot guitarist Christian singer! Come on. Ashley was trying to use him to recollect her fame, and it backfired big time. I thought it was amazing how every single person could agree that she deserved a good booing. I know there’s some kind of mob terminology… Like with an angry mob that ‘s yelling at someone you could hide and say something out loud to make them change their minds or do something violent. And, these ex-fans[/b] were kind of an angry mob. So groups of people must have started booing, causing every other person to boo. Amazingly, I learned all this from a Series Of Unfortunate Events by Lemony Snicket.
All the words in italics are words you had in caps, but I've decapitalized them. Also, that last line was catchy, but I think the "by Lemony Snickey" could have been left out. It kinda ruins the line. :wink:

When I [s]told[/s]tell all of this to Ray, he look[s]ed[/s]s confused for a moment, “Yeah, I think her sound system got messed up…. Where’d that all come from?”
You don't need the ellipses!

“ Live and learn, baby, live and learn.”


Ray smile[s]d[/s]s, “ That kind of turned me on…. But we’ll talk about this later, I have to save the concert.” A make[s]Make[/s]-up artist trie[s]d[/s]s to freshen Ray up, and Mike [s]was talking[/s]talks a mile a minute as Ray [s]got[/s]gets ready to hit the stage again.


[s]But [/s]Ray beg[s]an[/s]ins to walk away, but I grab[s]bed[/s] his shirt, “ Wait, must you forget so quickly?”


[s]And[/s][b]Instead of telling, I show[s]ed[/s] him exactly what I mean[s]t[/s].
I decapitalized 'what'. I like the ending! :D

Overall, this was really entertaining. I'm not much of an Ashley, or Jessica, Simpson fan so this got a little giggle out of me. ^_^ Very nice plot idea, but you have to work on your tenses and punctuation.

In some parts, you have this written in first person, and then you suddenly switch to either third of second POV. You need to stick with just one!! XD lol Otherwise, it confuses the reader. Also, you need to work on using 'then' and 'than'. They mean two different things, in a way-ish, so I will show you an example how to use them properly:

1. Then - She went to the grocery store first to pick up some milk, and then she headed over to the mall to pick out some new shoes.

2. Than - Playing Tommy's new video game was much more fun than painting the old shed.

See the difference? :P Lol Well, I hope I helped. This was really nice, but you need to work on your descriptions more. I couldn't picture much, and you basically just told everything. Paint a picture! Let us feel everything. Good luck!

Yours,
Aquarius Angel
Formerly known as Silly Sydstix... as well as Aquarius Angel.
  








Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd.
— Voltaire