Young Writers Society

His eyes would not leave hers. It was odd, though intimate, and frightening all at the same time. She knew he could see what was going on in her head, but she did not bother to avert her cerulean eyes from those of his caramel ones. The room felt as though it was dimming down to the point of complete darkness, all because this man was drinking her from her eyes. The conversations and other dancing seemed to be lost in a complete blur and haze around the two.

A chill crept up and down her spine at the sudden flash in his once calm eyes. Fear. Since when did he fear for her? She was his, what do you call it? Nagging vicious acquaintance? Yes, that was it. He feared for those who held a spot in his heart, and that was never where she was meant to be. He showed concern and compassion for any person he knew was pure, or anybody whom he knew he loved.

Did this mean that he loved her?

Finally, a small smile flickered across her paling lips, "Is there something wrong, Monsieur?"

His heavy gaze slackened, and he offered her an assuring smile from across the small circular table that they shared, "No, not at all, Mademoiselle, I'm just...curious."

"Curious?" She inquired with a quirk of her eyebrow, "whatever for?"

His answer did not come out straight away; he seemed almost hesitant, "Have you been," He paused to gather himself together, "hurt?"

There it was, plain as day. Hurt. Of course she had been hurt! There had been too many times for her to count, to many scars for her to forget. They scorched her both physically and emotionally; she flinched. Her mother had hurt her, hurt her when she had dared to leave and never come back. Her brother had hurt her, hurt her when he boldly said he did not love her. Her ex-fiance had hurt her, hurt her when he dared to hit her. The memories flashed before her eyes, but she immediately masked them when she noted the confusion in his eyes.

She didn't want to expel her life secrets to him, so she kept it in the diary of her mind and heart. She let her forefinger lightly trace the rim of her wine glass, not bothering to level her eyes with his, "No." There, it was simple, but it was said. Although she knew she would regret lying to him in the future, she had no other choice.

He nodded slightly and began to allow his eyes to skim about the large restaurant. The walls were red and lined in olive green trim, glass chandeliers held many tan colored candles illuminated the room as they hung from the high ceilings, hearts and cupid paintings decked the white ceiling, the flooring was wooden and cracked, vanilla scented candles were centered in the center of each small table, including the one he and his evening companion sat at, and there were people everywhere in their fancy new suits and gowns. Some danced, others talked, but everyone was happy. Well, almost everyone.

She took out her golden fan and flipped her wrist to provide herself with a cool breeze. The sudden intensity and how close he was to her past and heart was starting to provide a sudden warm sensation, making her skin a tad bit clammy, "Is there anything," She swallowed, "else that you wish to know about, Monsieur?"

"Yes," He replied matter-of-factly, "there is. I was wondering if you have ever been," He did a quick double check at the look in her eyes, making sure that he was not mistaking what he saw, "lonely?"

She swallowed hard. How was he figuring this stuff out? Were her eyes that vulnerable that he could read her past like a book? But, his assumptions were correct. She had been lonely, too many lonesome nights by the fire and too many lonesome nights in her in her small home. Save for the single silver cat she had, she was indeed a very lonely woman compared to her loved and very wealthy half sister. Friendship was not something she could hold onto for more than four months, never mind an actual relationship.

She had trusted a woman by the name of Lucilla Wellington, but she had become fed up when she found out that she was being taken advantage of. For shame, she had not noticed it earlier in their friendship. Loneliness was indeed a problem in her life, an issue ever since she was a young girl. The usual cause of such a thing was by that of betrayal, deceit, and lies. Eventually, she was left alone, but she'd rather die a thousand deaths before admitting such a thing.

She sat up straighter and fanned herself a little faster, "No such word has ever been used to refer to me."

He would not press that matter any further, so he settled for another nod and took a quick sip of his wine. He enjoyed the warm fuzzy sensation that heated up his veins, and he found himself sighing with contempt once the glass was firmly set back down, "Well, I see that you have had a few bad chapters in your book," He began, "but I will not pressure you into telling me such a tale."

Her once calm cerulean eyes darkened instinctively, "What is that suppose to mean, if I may be so bold to ask, Monsieur?"

"Nothing at all, Mademoiselle, I am just speaking my mind."

"And you are saying that I cannot speak mine?" There, she had done it again! She had begun to flip and flop his words around. Was this not how she managed to lose her friendship to Lucilla? Yes, she was rebuilding that hard thick wall that she had desperately tried to tear down, wanting to invite him in. But, why wouldn't she allow him past the gates?

He raised his hands in a defensive gesture, "No, Mademoiselle, I did not mean-"

"You did not mean to talk down to me? To offend me? To judge me?"

"No! Please, I am-"

"You are trying to criticize me!" She stood up abruptly, shooting her wooden chair backwards. By now, a few wandering eyes flashed to the loud woman in the long green gown. "And who has given you permission to devour my eyes anyway?" She screeched, "What has happened in my life, and is shown in my eyes, stays with me and my past! If I were you, I would do the wise thing and mind yourself!" She tightly clutched the thick skirt of her long green dress and quickly pranced out, her long chestnut curls bouncing against the milk of her skin.

He offered an apologetic smile to all of the disturbed people about the room, who now had their confused eyes firmly pinned on him, "She has had a rough day," He explained, "All she needs a little sleep; everything is all right." Once everyone had gone back to their private conversations, his eyes flickered to the retreating form of the woman he had been conversing with. A glimpse of the hem of her dress caught his eye, before vanishing from sight. He sighed and turned his attention to her full glass of wine.

"The events of your past have left you hurt and sore, Mademoiselle," He spoke quietly, "I wanted to help you, but it seems that you have too much blood in your wine."

Hey, I quite enjoyed this. Especially the last line. Very poignant! I think there are a few things that could be polished a bit however, notably your description and punctuation/grammar. I'll take it section by section and give you my ideas, m'kay?

His eyes would not leave hers. It was odd, though intimate, and frightening all at the same time. She knew he could see what was going on in her head, but she did not bother to avert her cerulean eyes from those of his caramel ones. The room felt as though it was dimming down to the point of complete darkness, all because this man was drinking her from her eyes. The conversations and other dancing seemed to be lost in a complete blur and haze around the two.

Nice intro: you've captured my attention instantly. For the second line, though, I think you should either remove the "though" (to read: "It was odd, intimate and frighening at the same time") or rearrange it in some way. At the moment, it feels awkward, like you're saying three different things at once (although that may just be me being nitpicky, heh). I also dont think that this is the right moment to describe their eyes - at least, not so flamboyantly. Perhaps it might flow better to say "She knew...but she didnt bother to avert her eyes from his brown gaze" or something. I've often found that the more ordinary the adjective, the easier it is to slip it in unnoticed-like . I like the idea of "drinking her from her eyes" or whatever. Excellent. I think the last line is superfluous though.

A chill crept up and down her spine at the sudden flash in his once calm eyes. Fear. Since when did he fear for her? She was his, what do you call it? Nagging vicious acquaintance? Yes, that was it. He feared for those who held a spot in his heart, and that was never where she was meant to be. He showed concern and compassion for any person he knew was pure, or anybody whom he knew he loved.

Did this mean that he loved her?

Who are these people to one another? If she's just his "nagging vicious acquaintance," why would he love her? Why would she think that, because he looks afraid? How is his fear linked to fear for her, when it could just as easily be fear of her? Why would he fear for her? Would "concern" be a better word? Why would he even be sitting here having drinks with her if she's so "vicious"? Perhaps "nemesis" is the word you're looking for? I'm not sure what this bit is really intended to convey, as it is convoluted and confused. You might want to work on straightening it out, making your message clearer.

Finally, a small smile flickered across her paling lips, "Is there something wrong, Monsieur?"

His heavy gaze slackened, and he offered her an assuring smile from across the small circular table that they shared, "No, not at all, Mademoiselle, I'm just...curious."

"Curious?" She inquired with a quirk of her eyebrow, "whatever for?"

I've noticed people do this a lot. The word "assuring" doesnt really fit this context. I think you mean either "reassuring" (he's comforting her) or "assured" (he's confident and perhaps a bit arrogant). You might also think of removing the “She inquired...eyebrow” line, as I think the subtext of her questions gives an arch enough tone without adding the eyebrow.

His answer did not come out straight away; he seemed almost hesitant, "Have you been," He paused to gather himself together, "hurt?"

There it was, plain as day. Hurt. Of course she had been hurt! There had been too many times for her to count, too many scars for her to forget. They scorched her both physically and emotionally; she flinched. Her mother had hurt her, hurt her when she had dared to leave and never come back. Her brother had hurt her, hurt her when he boldly said he did not love her. Her ex-fiance had hurt her, hurt her when he dared to hit her. The memories flashed before her eyes, but she immediately masked them when she noted the confusion in his eyes.

What is he, a vending machine? Answers don’t tend to “come out” of people on their own – perhaps a better phrase would be “He did not answer straight away.” Also, unless it is important that he “almost” hesitated, you can easily imply that with the previous sentence, meaning you don’t have to repeat it again. I’d also break the dialogue from this sentence and put it on a new line. Why does he need to “gather himself”? Is he searching for a word? Does he need to gather his courage? Perhaps a more specific phrase (“He paused, searching for the word” or “He paused to gather his courage”) would work better here.

I think perhaps (excellent as the line is) you could remove the “They scorched...flinched” section of the “hurt” paragraph, as it is perhaps a little too excessive there. There are also a couple of words I think could be changed: when you say “dared” to leave and “dared” to hit her, you make it sound like Mademoiselle is a very haughty young woman, rather than just reserved and lonely (how DARE you leave me, I’m the center of your universe! type thing). Could you possibly leave out the “dared” altogether? Perhaps also you could tone down the number of times you repeat “hurt her”. I would recommend streamlining this passage so that it doesn’t overwhelm the reader with all of her history all at once. Also, it might give better effect if you were to be specific – too often I’ve seen writers refer to abuse in their character’s past without any real emotional weight, because they’re just too general – he hit her, sure. When? Where? Did the abuse go on for long, or did he hit her just once, which caused her to leave? I want details! Something like:

There it was, plain as day. Hurt. Of course she had been hurt! There had been too many scars for her to forgive or forget. Her mother had hurt her, when she had left and never come back; her brother had hurt her, when he baldly said he did not love her. And her ex-fiance had hurt her, physically hurt her, when he struck her that night after the party. She flinched as the memories resurfaced, and looked away from the man’s penetrating stare. She didn’t want to confess her life’s secrets to him...



She didn't want to expel her life secrets to him, so she kept it in the diary of her mind and heart. She let her forefinger lightly trace the rim of her wine glass, not bothering to level her eyes with his, "No." There, it was simple, but it was said. Although she knew she would regret lying to him in the future, she had no other choice.

I like that first line. Very cool. But again, you have answers, speech, secrets as acting on their own. Well, kind of. But you know what I mean. I don’t think “expel” is the word you’re looking for. “Confess” perhaps? Or “blurt out”? Expel implies (to me) a kind of...out-rush, like squeezing a sponge, or shooting things at someone. It just seems...a little off. But that’s only my opinion.

How does she know she will regret lying to him? Why does she have no choice but to lie? Also, instead of saying “without bothering to level her eyes with his”, how about condensing it to read “not meeting his eyes” or something? Because she was just staring at him, so it seems odd to say she didn’t “bother” to meet his eyes.

He nodded slightly and began to allow his eyes to skim about the large restaurant. The walls were red and lined in olive green trim, glass chandeliers held many tan colored candles illuminated the room as they hung from the high ceilings, hearts and cupid paintings decked the white ceiling, the flooring was wooden and cracked, vanilla scented candles were centered in the center of each small table, including the one he and his evening companion sat at, and there were people everywhere in their fancy new suits and gowns. Some danced, others talked, but everyone was happy. Well, almost everyone.

You’re doing it again! You’re talking about body parts as though they have lives of their own. I don’t usually “allow my eyes to skim about” restaurants. Honestly. I’d be afraid they’d fall in the onion soup and be boiled! LOL. But seriously, you need to watch your wording habits. Also, you might be best sticking firmly to third-person limited (i.e. describing the scene from Mademoiselle’s POV). Perhaps I’m being picky, but this could be far more easily expressed as “He nodded briefly, and she saw his gaze stray to the glass chandelier above them. The restaurant was packed with people, all seated at similar white-clothed tables...yaddayaddayadda”.

Also, this is what we call an info-dump. Too much at once! Try to break it down and have the characters and their actions interact with the setting a bit more, so that the action doesn’t suddenly halt while we all check out the scenery!

I like the lead-in to the next “scene” with the “Well, almost everyone” line though.

She took out her golden fan and flipped her wrist to provide herself with a cool breeze. The sudden intensity and how close he was to her past and heart was starting to provide a sudden warm sensation, making her skin a tad bit clammy, "Is there anything," She swallowed, "else that you wish to know about, Monsieur?"

"Yes," He replied matter-of-factly, "there is. I was wondering if you have ever been," He did a quick double check at the look in her eyes, making sure that he was not mistaking what he saw, "lonely?"

I like the first line. Very suave. The next line needs some tidying up – it’s all over the place! Perhaps – “the sudden intensity – his proximity to her past and heart – was making her feel flushed and nervous.” Also, separate your dialogue!

Why is he asking these questions? They’re not normal questions for someone to ask, even in a short and whimsical story. Is there any way you could hint at the reason, other than saying he loves her? What makes him so curious? What is his relationship to Mademoiselle that he has the right to ask such personal questions? I think you’re stopping too much in the dialogue as well. Perhaps you could rearrange it to read: “Yes, there is,” he replied. He looked quickly into her face, making sure he was not mistaking the look in her eyes. “Have you ever been...lonely?”

She swallowed hard. How was he figuring this stuff out? Were her eyes that vulnerable that he could read her past like a book? But, his assumptions were correct. She had been lonely, too many lonesome nights by the fire and too many lonesome nights in her in her small home. Save for the single silver cat she had, she was indeed a very lonely woman compared to her loved and very wealthy half sister. Friendship was not something she could hold onto for more than four months, never mind an actual relationship.

She had trusted a woman by the name of Lucilla Wellington, but she had become fed up when she found out that she was being taken advantage of. For shame, she had not noticed it earlier in their friendship. Loneliness was indeed a problem in her life, an issue ever since she was a young girl. The usual cause of such a thing was by that of betrayal, deceit, and lies. Eventually, she was left alone, but she'd rather die a thousand deaths before admitting such a thing.

OK. A few notes here.

1. Why is she swallowing? She just did that. Perhaps recognize that this is the second time – i.e. “She swallowed again, hard.”
2. “figuring this stuff out” – what time period are these characters in? By their tones, interaction, formal address and the setting, I would guess this is not the present. But this phrase is sooo 21st century. Perhaps “How was he figuring these things out?” or “Where did he get his information?”
3. “Were her eyes so easy to read?” might be a simpler way of putting that second question.
4. Instead of “But, his assumptions were correct” it might read better as “For his assumptions were correct: she had been lonely.” I think the rest of that sentence is superfluous. In fact, this whole paragraph might be simplified to “She swallowed...so easy to read? For his assumptions were correct: she had been lonely. Friendship was not something she could hold onto, and aside from her cat, she had few long-standing acquaintances.”[/i]
5. The second paragraph here is entirely garbled. What are you trying to say? What happened with Mademoiselle Wellington? Perhaps it would be simpler just to say – “She had trusted people before, both men and women, but they had inevitably betrayed her. Ultimately, she was always left alone. But she’d rather die than admit such a thing to him.”

She sat up straighter and fanned herself a little faster, "No such word has ever been used to refer to me."

Nice!

He would not press that matter any further, so he settled for another nod and took a quick sip of his wine. He enjoyed the warm fuzzy sensation that heated up his veins, and he found himself sighing with contempt once the glass was firmly set back down, "Well, I see that you have had a few bad chapters in your book," He began, "but I will not pressure you into telling me such a tale."

Her once calm cerulean eyes darkened instinctively, "What is that suppose to mean, if I may be so bold to ask, Monsieur?"

"Nothing at all, Mademoiselle, I am just speaking my mind."

"And you are saying that I cannot speak mine?" There, she had done it again! She had begun to flip and flop his words around. Was this not how she managed to lose her friendship to Lucilla? Yes, she was rebuilding that hard thick wall that she had desperately tried to tear down, wanting to invite him in. But, why wouldn't she allow him past the gates?

He raised his hands in a defensive gesture, "No, Mademoiselle, I did not mean-"

Mmm. This first paragraph here doesn’t make much sense. Clarify and simplify. Also, if he’s enjoying the fuzzy (I think you mean “fizzy”?) sensation, why does he sigh with “contempt” (revulsion, disdain)? I think the word you want is “contentment”. Again, you’ve switched to the man’s POV. I would recommend staying with Mademoiselle, because you only do one paragraph at a time in his perspective and it’s quite disconcerting. Instead;

”He did not press the matter further; instead, he settled for another nod and a quick sip of his wine. She could tell he was enjoying it, as he savoured the mouthful before swallowing, and sighed contentedly as he replaced the glass on the table.”

Why do you say, “he began” here? He isn’t beginning – he’s concluding. From the tone of his words, he’s saying that he will not pry further. Why, then, is Mademoiselle so defensive? Perhaps you should change the wording. Instead of her going off at him for telling her he will not pressure her, perhaps she could say, “What sort of tale do you imagine for me, Monsieur?” in a kind of prickly voice. That way, she’ll be taking offense at his “such a tale” (which implies a bad one, lol). As it is, she seems to be getting upset about nothing – the entire issue is rather confused. Perhaps you could refine it – sort out what would truly and realistically offend her (while appearing innocuous to the man, of course) and use that instead. This scene is too compressed, also. It needs to be lengthened so that we can understand Mademoiselle’s distress a bit better.

Also, I don’t see how Monsieur is “speaking his mind”. Perhaps “telling the truth” would be better. Speaking his mind implies giving his opinion on something rather rudely, and it doesn’t seem to fit in this context.

"You did not mean to talk down to me? To offend me? To judge me?"

"No! Please, I am-"

"You are trying to criticize me!" She stood up abruptly, shooting her wooden chair backwards. By now, a few wandering eyes flashed to the loud woman in the long green gown. "And who has given you permission to devour my eyes anyway?" She screeched, "What has happened in my life, and is shown in my eyes, stays with me and my past! If I were you, I would do the wise thing and mind yourself!" She tightly clutched the thick skirt of her long green dress and quickly pranced out, her long chestnut curls bouncing against the milk of her skin.

Huh. Well, right now, I thoroughly dislike Mademoiselle. No offense, but my reaction is – Geez, what is her problem? In order to make her more sympathetic, you might, as I said, lengthen this scene a little and make her bone of contention a little more realistic. Maybe he says something about her past; she replies icily, he hastens to assure her that he doesn’t mean to imply she’s done anything wrong, yadda yadda. What’s missing here is specifics. What exactly did he say that upset her? Why exactly is she upset? Right now, the reader is in the dark. I think you should try to work in a little bit of an explanation about what’s eating up our Mademoiselle, so that the reader can guess, even if Monsieur doesn’t understand.

“Wandering” and “flashed” give two different impressions – the first is that the people’s gazes have moved, slightly aimlessly, to look at Mademoiselle. The second is that they have moved quickly and directly to look at Mademoiselle. Choose one or the other!

Also, you’re info dumping again. I think the last sentence is unnecessary here.

He offered an apologetic smile to all of the disturbed people about the room, who now had their confused eyes firmly pinned on him, "She has had a rough day," He explained, "All she needs a little sleep; everything is all right." Once everyone had gone back to their private conversations, his eyes flickered to the retreating form of the woman he had been conversing with. A glimpse of the hem of her dress caught his eye, before vanishing from sight. He sighed and turned his attention to her full glass of wine.

And again! Stop telling me that eyes can be pinned to people, because I’m not buying it. Instead, “their confused eyes were fixed firmly on him” or something. As it is now, it sounds too much like the eyes have independent life! LOL. Also, you keep using words like “flickered” and “glimpse” and so on. It’s OK to say “saw” and “looked” as well!

"The events of your past have left you hurt and sore, Mademoiselle," He spoke quietly, "I wanted to help you, but it seems that you have too much blood in your wine."

YES! The coup de gras. That is a very punchy ending and I completely love it. What a beautiful image! Unfortunately (and you knew I was going to say this) I don’t really see how it links to the rest of the story. Where is this “blood” in her past? What has she done that puts “blood” in her wine? You might want to work some back story in somewhere that shows us how this line ties in with her actions. Just her being “abused” and “hurt” and “lonely” doesn’t give us the connotation of “blood” (violence, murder, etc).

WHEW! That was a long one! I really enjoyed this story and would love to see you develop it further (hence all of my suggestions, lol). In general, I think you need to simplify a lot of your descriptions and interrupt your dialogue less; generally once per paragraph (of dialogue) is all that is grammatically feasible. Also, what time period are they in? Perhaps a little more of a hint there would help place the scene a little more solidly in reality. Your interaction is well done, but perhaps a little formal for the intimate kind of questions he is asking. Why doesn’t Mmselle take offense at his forwardness? What exactly is their relationship to one another? What happened in Mmselle’s past? These aspects need to be developed a bit more to my mind. You also need to make the “fight scene” a little less ambiguous by giving Mmselle something concrete to be offended by. As it is, I get the impression she’s mentally unstable, LOL!

With a bit of editing, this could be an awesome read. And I just adore that final line!

Will look forward to reading some more of your work in the future.
Cheers,
~bubbles

Oh. She's so like me. In fact. Were you writing about me by anynce when yo wrote this?

I like your story, it's very interesting (the good way, of course). The first few lines, in the first paragraph, grabbed my attention right away, so that's good. I thought the description was great and how it was arranged throughout the story. I'd really like to see what happens next.

Keep on writing!

Could be edited, but overall it was a good story. It has potential. Don't let it die. OK

I really enjoyed this story, but I couldn't find a ...theme or moral of any kind. It was a nice little story, quite interesting, and very well written, but no moral. All stories have to have a moral. And if there is one, I suggest trying to make it a bit clearer.

Overall though, it was wonderfully written with no grammar or spelling issues that I could find.

Keep writing! (And work on those morals! )

~Wings

you and stephanie meyer have incredibly similar writing styles.
keep it up-- this is very good<3.

The first paragraph definitely caught my eye, and I loved the last line: "You have too much blood in your wine." Personally, I think she went a wee bit lunatic with the storming out, but I'll look forward to the next installment.

that was ....interesting. you will have to up a another piece in the near future.

I really like your story. You grab the readers attention at the begining and keep them interested until the end. The way he asks these things about her life tells the reader a lot about her without going through the regular procces of introducing her. Nice approach. Watch for simple grammar and repeating words. Otherwise very good! Keep up the good work!

I've been meaning to read this for a while now, the title would just not leave my mind. So finally I read it.

I was impressed, it was very good, while there is always something to be improved on, it was still very good.

vanilla scented candles were centered in the center of each small table,

you might want to reword this. You said center twice, while they were different, the usage of centered removed the need for center. make sense?

I love love love the last line. I simply adore it beyond words, maybe because that title has simmered in my brain for so long. Regardless, it was an amazing last line to a very good story. Though it seems more like a scene than a story =D

Keep up the good work! I look forward to reading more of your stuff in the future.
-JC

Thanks to all for your advice and suggestions.... and compliments. ^^ This was by far my most favorite one shot to write, so I'm glad you guys liked it so much!!

Thanks again. Seeya around!

~Syd

Hi Cutie (pinches face lol)

His eyes would not leave hers. It was odd, though intimate, and frightening all at the same time.

Nice hook. Sets the story up well.

A chill crept up and down her spine at the sudden flash in his once calm eyes. Fear.

I like how you showed the feeling first then explained that it was fear.

He nodded slightly and began to allow his eyes to skim about the large restaurant. The walls were red and lined in olive green trim, glass chandeliers held many tan colored candles illuminated the room as they hung from the high ceilings, hearts and cupid paintings decked the white ceiling, the flooring was wooden and cracked, vanilla scented candles were centered in the center of each small table, including the one he and his evening companion sat at, and there were people everywhere in their fancy new suits and gowns. Some danced, others talked, but everyone was happy. Well, almost everyone.

OMG, I loved the way you described the room. It really links well to the characters.

"The events of your past have left you hurt and sore, Mademoiselle," He spoke quietly, "I wanted to help you, but it seems that you have too much blood in your wine."

This story was very well written and thought out. The characters were well developed and I love how you relate them to the environment. I also liked how you potrayed the conflict between them. Kept me reading. The ending was a surprise, obviously something is wrong. But what? I need to know Syd.

Mmm. ^^ Thanks, Squallz. Echoing the post I made before, thanks for your input. As for what's happened? It's implied that she just hasn't had the best of a life, so basically nothing... good, so to say, has happened. Or not much of it, at least.

Hope that makes sense. Thanks, Nerdboy. *ruffles your hair*

~Syd (cutie)