Young Writers Society

William knew that he had no chance of wining the fight, but being the fool he was fought anyway. The beating was, as normal, brutal and the boys who played football at North Cross School loved beating Will. For some reason Will was the only one of his friends who would stand up to the jocks, prissy girls, cheerleaders, skater dudes, or any other variety of “clic” at the school. The clic that William fell into would be either the nerds or the “kids who love getting beat up for no reason” groups. It was the way he was weird because no matter what he hated watching any guy hit on a girls that didn’t flirt back. He thought it was rude and just stupid because all it does is make them hate you. And it was at its worse when they preyed on Yevon. That’s when he got most of his beatings, was when he was trying to get those guys to leave her alone.
“guys just leave him alone!” her voice was like heaven’s song.
“why should we?” his voice was like hell’s song. “what do you care? Are you in love with him?” there was a ripple of laughter from the other jocks. Chaice was the running back for the team and of course a captain. He was only second to the quarterback who was never involved in any malicious acts, although, everyone knew he masterminded them.
“No! Of course I don’t!”
“Well then just let me beat him up!”
“Um if I may interject here?” I figured since they were talking about me it would be ok to give my opinion. Apparently I was wrong.
“Shut up!” It was time to move this pointless argument along.
“Or what? You’ll pick me up and run across the football field with me?”
“Do you want to be killed?”
“Well if you’re gonna kill me then get on with it!” Now I was getting mad. “But if you’re not then just put me down so I can go to class!”
“Come on Chaise just let him go. If nothing else then he’s not worth the detention.” Chaise took an inordinate amount of time thinking that one over. Finally.
“You’re lucky Y was here to save your butt.”
And with that the “party” ended and everyone went to class. Luckily enough for Will his next class was with Yevon. After walking in her wake for a while he caught up with her determined to make conversation.
“Sorry about those jerks.”
“Why do you always do that?”
“What? You mean stand up for you?”
“Ya stand up for me. Every time you do that you end up on your butt with a new bruise to show for it.” This was not the response that Will had expected.
“O so I was just supposed to let those guys be jerks to you?”
“I can handle myself I don’t need anyone to protect me.”
“Is that what you think?”
“Ya it is! Why do you think you can protect me? You can’t even stand up to the lunch lady!”
“You know what you’re right. I should just stop being kind and trying to stand up for what or who I believe in! I should just walk around in a blindfold and pretend I don’t see the world or how screwed up it is! It seems to be working pretty good for you!” Yevon smacked him across the face. Will could not say that he didn’t deserve it, but still it hurt more then his face to see the person he cared most about looking at him like he was some sort of diesis. Yevon didn’t even look at him all through their history lesson and at the end of the day she was escorted out of the building by Chaise. His over large arm wrapped around her looking as triumphant as if he had just won state. This time Yevon did look at him. Only it wasn’t sad or mad it was spiteful.

Yevon didn’t go home until it was after dark. It took her longer then she thought it would to ditch Chaice. She had only done that to make Will feel like dirt. Yevon hated her home. She had a father who was a drunk and abusive and her mother didn’t ever stop him from hitting her or Yevon. Truth be told she actually liked it when Will stood up for her. Even though he was always knocked to the ground it made her feel special and it helped keep her faith that there was at least one good guy left in this crappy world. No matter what happened though she would never tell him. She was too secure in her spot at school to throw it all up in the air like that. She was worried enough about child services taking her out of her house. That would be embarrassing, and she didn’t need to deal with the scandal that would make at school.
Yevon walked through the front door and she was greeted by her father. He was, as usual, drunk.
“Here she is! My beautiful daughter!” As he turned away she could distinctly hear him say “filthy little slut”
“Thanks dad I love you too.” Yevon retired to her room to do her home work. She opened up and a folded up piece of paper fell out that she hadn’t put there. When she opened it up she immediately recognized Will’s handwriting.

“Ok, if you’re reading this and haven’t hit me yet then I’m better at pick pocketing then I thought it was. This is going to sound really crazy but here goes. I like you. A lot. You’re probably not at all surprised by this but I just thought I had to make it official. I tried to get this to you like this because I know that you’re popular and I’m not, and that if you wanted to you could make my life really crappie by telling people. Never the less I trust you because you’re not the type of person that does that. That’s why I always stand up for you more then anyone else, because I hate it when those guys are rude to you. I know I can’t beat them up or anything but I try because that’s who I am. So I hope that you can, if nothing else, you could like me back secretly.”
Yevon had been so wrapped up in reading the note that she hadn’t noticed that the edges of the not had started to catch fire.
“O crap!” When she put out the fire she hugged the note and laid back on her bed. She knew that he liked her but at least now he had said it. Now all she had to do was decide if she could tell him that she did ,already, like him back secretly.

1) spell check
2) Why did her paper catch fire?
3) Well that ending didn't resolve anything did it?
4) Details, expansion, all that happy stuff
5) What about Will's life? Whats that like?
6) No real conflict aside from them doing the whole not talking thing.
7) Good attempt, don't lose faith, and don't take my critisim to heart (i'm only 13 after all). Just do some editing, expanding and such and you'll find yourself with a good short story.

I know that I need practice and what not. I also answer the qustions about the fire and Will's life and stuff, but that all happens later in the story.

So it wasn't the ending? It sounded like an ending a BAD ending but an ending none-the-less.

Ahhhh. Young grass hopper. it was the ending to the first chapter.

I had one of those in my hair today (exceedingly random).

Then you should put chapter one at the top, people will mistake it for a short story.

Don't go from third person to first person. It's just... not cool. For instance, you have this:

William knew that he had no chance of wining the fight, but being the fool he was fought anyway.

Then you have this:

“Um if I may interject here?” I figured since they were talking about me it would be ok to give my opinion. Apparently I was wrong.

So you're going from he to I. Don't make it so!

Also, work on the grammar. Right now, it's terrible to read, just because there are words that aren't capitalized and missed punctuation. And always spell check. Because that stuff is good for the soul.

I didn't really... feel the drama. You have all this potential for conflict, but you never really use it. For instance, in the beginning scene, you have a guy being beat up. You could make this so good by putting details on how he felt and how they beat him, et cetera. Do they use their fists to beat him up, or do they kick him? Perhaps, they throw rocks at him. Has he ever had a concussion before? Needed any hospitalization? Is he covered in bruises? Does every joint in his body ache?

These are just basic things that kids being beat up will feel. Since he doesn't run away, we assume that he gets beaten up, and since he gets beaten up a lot, we can assume that his face is a little mashed in and he might be a little bit dizzy sometimes. This kind of information, when given out, can create sympathy for the character and make the reader care about William. But it doesn't. Spend more time telling us about William.

And the dialogue in the middle is slightly crazy. You have this dramatic scene and he's being beaten up, and then it's a calm chit chat scene. You said it best when you wrote, "I figured since they were talking about me it would be ok to give my opinion. Apparently I was wrong." If he was truly getting beat up -- and, for the sake of this story, I hope he was -- then he's probably going to be gasping for breath and bleeding. Or something, anyway. Tell us what's going on!

And then, to create sympathy for Yevon, you had her have an abusive father and an indifferent mother. Okay. That's fine. A little bit cliche, but people have handled it well before, so maybe you can too. The problem is, she doesn't act like it. Once more, violence is VIOLENT. She's being beaten by her father, no? That means that she is going to have the physical marks to prove it, and even though she might be in the popular crowd, she's going to keep busy hiding herself to them, so she can't really have a high status.

And not only should she have physical scars, but she should have emotional scars! She has been bullied, probably from the time she was little, and she has lived in a harsh, harsh environment that is not filled with love. Yet, she is sticking up for this guy. Why is she doing this? Because he's the only good guy in the world. Yet, I find it hard to believe that she can actually believe that. For instance, I'm sure that her parents hide the fact that he beats her. And I'm sure she hides that fact as well, because who wants to be known as the girl who is abused? So, if she is used to so much hiding, why doesn't she suspect that William is hiding something as well? There seems to be no suspicion in her mind, and it's just screaming naive to me.

So basically, the characters are missing realism and, at the moment, it's very hard to feel for them because it's very hard to believe them.

And author13 is right. Why does it burn? Unless he is some sort of fantasy novel or historical fiction novel or her family is using oil lamps for some, unknown reason, the letter burning in her hands is random, unexplained, and almost laughable. Or maybe she is capable of psychic burning? Whatever. It doesn't make sense. At all. And I don't care if it's explained later, because if some author tried to pull that on me in published writing, I would just sigh and throw the book away. You need to explain it NOW.

And yeah.

Anyway, revise it and make us feel the conflict. Good luck!

*Sighs deeply... Very deeply* Uh, SP... Okay, here we go... I think you have the start of what could be a pretty good story... Um, I'm kinda with Sniok on a few of these things. Will is a total mystery, we need to know what he feels and what he thinks.

Second, Grammar. Grammar. Please... There were so many mistakes I couldn't cover all of them. Check it over at least once before posting it. Double space, double space, double space. Its the only way its possible to read it clearly.

Again, you could have alot more drama here. The part with Will getting beat up and especially the part with Yevon's dad being drunk. (Just asking, where'd you get the name 'Yevon"?) If he is abusive, why isn't he here? Or you could say she had to get out of his sight quick and he usually doesn't de anything, or something...

Uh, Why on Earth did the note catch on fire? It doesn't make any sense and its totally random. For me, chapters are usually way longer. And you really need to put Chapter One at the top. Its not that hard.

I think the characters were kinda hollow and you could show way more detial in the whole thing. What does the school look like? What do the football players look like? What does Yevon's room look like? DETIALS! Please don't beat me up when you read this, nice younger brother, nice younger brother...

~Pol~

So since Snoik and Pol have already said mostly what's been said.

So in a compressed checklist here's what you need to work on:

-[POV]. Never, never, NEVVAAA!!!! switch point of views in such close paragraphs. I sincerely hope that your guy isn't schizophrenic or has multiple personality disorder or anything.

-[GRAMMAR] Do you have spellcheck?

USE IT.

And apparently, you have a brother.

USE HIM.

O.o

-[Clarity] You still need to clarify some stuff for your readers here. For instance, that never-ending mystery of the Note Catching On Fire. Mhm. What's up with that?

Also, it seems pretty plotless, for now. I guess it's just me or something, but I don't sense anything going for this story besides good fights, okay dialogue, and random love.

-[DRAMA] Have the guys actually throw a punch, dude. Otherwise, it seems pretty pointless for the guys to approach him anyways.

-[PICTURE] Paint a picture. For now, when I read the story, all I'm seeing is....

Ah.

Nothing.

Description would be nice, just don't overkill because the mood isn't right for pretty pictures. There are certain 'techniques', or 'sparks' to add to your story depending on what kind of mood you're trying to set the story in. Right now, this is not exactly my idea of romance.

-[CHARACTER] Simply said, your characters are hollow. Tell me WHO Will is exactly supposed to be. Tell me WHO Yevon's supposed to be. Are her actions coinciding with her personality? Is his? If Will's such a smartass, shouldn't he have been able to talk his way out of a fight [which sometimes happens, but still.]

-[TITLES] I thought this was a short story. Put a chapter title on this or something, and then work on making this a chapter worth reading on.

-[MATURITY] If you don't have a title for this story so far, then just put something along the lines of [No Title], mkay? Don't give us a commentary about this story being titleless.

Also, don't tell people to be nice because of your first post because if I happen to see that, which I did, then chances are I'll be a little itsy bitsy harsher. [cough]

I see potential for a possibly sappy love story, even a very good sappy love story ["Her voice was like Heaven's song"...???]. Keep working on this, over and over again.

Have fun!

--Serena.

Well if nothing else I got you guys with the fire. Which was my plan. I think I havent quite decided how I'm gonna deal with that. For now at least thanks for all the advice I'm already becoming a better writer and what not. (aw crap I swore I wasent gonna get pulled in by them (them being Pol and Gyr. (my brother and sister))) Anyway I'll work on that stuff.

<Gapes in awe. You 'got' us with the fire??? What was there to get??!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

~Pol~