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Mon Aug 13, 2007 3:46 am
Incandescence says...



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Last edited by Incandescence on Mon Apr 27, 2009 12:50 am, edited 1 time in total.
  





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125 Reviews


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Tue Aug 14, 2007 1:56 am
PerforatedxHearts says...



Good start.

Thank God your grammar is basically impeccable [I hope I'm using the right word], and you've already established your characters nicely.

What stands out about this story, one of Cosmo/Politan's great characteristics is the dialogue. Very real, very natural and it doesn't sound forced. But it doesn't bore the reader.

The only thing you forgot, and I'm guessing that it's just a typing mistake, is this:

"So what?" I ask, walking into . "Maybe I'm into that."


Where's she walking into?

So far, so good.
"Video games don't affect kids. If Pacman had affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills, and listening to repetitive electronic music." --anonymous/banner.
  





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516 Reviews


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Mon Aug 20, 2007 5:22 am
Riedawriter23 says...



Lol, this sounds awesome already. Great character developement, I already want to know more about them.

"You're just jealous," I laugh, standing up to leave.

"I bet you offer him one threesome and he finds another guy."

"So what?" I ask, walking into . "Maybe I'm into that."

**LOL, my favorite part.
Tell me when you've written more!

~Rieda
I love, love.
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In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit. Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell, nor yet a dry, bare, sandy hole with nothing in it to sit down on or to eat: it was a hobbit-hole, and that means comfort.
— JRR Tolkien