What goes around...

Jack was bored. Very bored.

He had been staring out of the attic window for an hour now and he was still bored.

Two people had passed his window. An old man who took about three minutes to cross the road and continue out of Jacks' sight and a girl who was about Jack's age. She crossed the road and rang his doorbell. He had jumped up to go and open the door before his Dad and had hit his head on the low ceiling.

Once the fuzziness had cleared, he looked out of the window to see his Dad shouting something as the girl hastily made her way back across the road and out of sight.

"Damn" said Jack as he settled back down and wondered if she would be back.

Eventually, he decided to go for a walk. The sun was setting and the air was cool. It was a pleasant summer evening and there appeared to be no one else around. A small cat was sitting casually by a gate and as Jack bent down to stroke it, it ran out into the road.

"Here cat! Come back!" Jack called. He put out his hand and made squeaking noises with his front teeth and bottom lip. "Here kitty-kitty-kitty."

The cat miowed, unimpressed.

"Oh get back here you stupid, tiny brained, poor excuse for a cat."

The cat turned its back on him.

Jack checked that there were no cars coming and went to get the cat. Just as he reached it. The cat ran back across the road and began trotting down the street.

Jack turned and ran after it, arms outstretched calling "Here kitty-kitty-kitty."

The cat stopped and Jack dived on top of it. The cat hissed and scratched him across the face.

"Are you having trouble with my cat?"

Jack rolled onto his back to see the girl staring at him. The cat jumped smuggly into her arms as a trickle of blood ran down Jacks nose.

"Um, no."

~SishBee~
x

Heyyy there, haven't seen you around XD I see you're kind of new? Interestingg...You've only posted 22 reviews of some 76 posts, that's no good...I would suggest reviewing two to three times more than you post stories etc., and staying in the writers tips sections so you can parasite off of the oozing genius of some of those instructors. Moving on to a critique:

Jack was bored. Very bored.

He had been staring out of the attic window for an hour now and he was still bored.

Starting a scene with a bored character is almost always a no-no. At a recent writers conference, one of the instructors told me that the beginning scene should be like a party, with the reader fashionably late. The action has already begun. There should be the proverbial stereo booming, a couple people making out in the corner, maybe even a brawl about to burst. The party's a metaphor of course-but you catch the drift. The beginning scene has th capture our attention. Somebody bored? Doesn't do it.

Two people had passed his window. An old man who took about three minutes to cross the road and continue out of Jacks' sight and a girl who was about Jack's age. She crossed the road and rang his doorbell. He had jumped up to go and open the door before his Dad and had hit his head on the low ceiling.

Two people crossed a road...It's pretty important that the reader gets more than this. Give us some brief glimpse at something human. Why would some random chick/w cat or old man be about? I'm sure there's a perfectly good reason but i don't believe it.

Once the fuzziness had cleared, he looked out of the window to see his Dad shouting something as the girl hastily made her way back across the road and out of sight.

So a hit and run, huh? Silly...What fuzziness occured? I recall no fuzziness.

"Damn" said Jack as he settled back down and wondered if she would be back.

I don't believe this. Some random girl comes up and rings the doorbell and runs? He doesn't even go see what happened, just sits?

Eventually, he decided to go for a walk.

You have to figure out how to catch your reader's interest. This is no party/brawl/make-out scene. In fact it is not even close. In fact you have lost your reader at this point.

The sun was setting and the air was cool. It was a pleasant summer evening and there appeared to be no one else around. A small cat was sitting casually by a gate and as Jack bent down to stroke it, it ran out into the road.

Blahhhh. You used the words "appeared" wrong, first off. Never say "no one appeared to be around." Just don't do it. There is just no reason to do it.

"Here cat! Come back!" Jack called. He put out his hand and made squeaking noises with his front teeth and bottom lip. "Here kitty-kitty-kitty."

So he's been compacently sitting at his window for hours, hasn't even chased a girl, and now wants a cat> This is so out of character.

The cat [s]miowed[/s], unimpressed.

you mean meowed I presume.

"Oh get back here you stupid, tiny brained, poor excuse for a cat."

Poor excuse for a cat? Why is the first line of dialogue having to do with a poor excuse for a cat? Stupid? Tiny-brained? As far as I can see, this cat is a cleverer character than your character.

The cat turned its back on him.

Good for the cat.

Jack checked that there were no cars coming and went to get the cat. Just as he reached it. The cat ran back across the road and began trotting down the street.

Just as he reached it is not a sentence. Also, cats don't trot. Horses trot.

The cat stopped and Jack dived on top of it. The cat hissed and scratched him across the face.

Why (&$*$&%) did Jack jump at the cat. And of COURSE the cat hissed and clawed. Smart kitty kitty.

"Are you having trouble with my cat?"

First line of really intellegent dialogue.

Jack rolled onto his back to see the girl staring at him. The cat jumped smuggly into her arms as a trickle of blood ran down Jacks nose.

Cats don't jump into arms.

"Um, no."

Sums it up, doesn't it?

THINGS YOU DID WELL.

1. Completion of a cast of characters. You successfully brought about four characters (Five if you count the cat, which I do, as it was the most intelligent character in this). You create an interesting old man who takes three minutes to cross the road (humorous characterization, by the way, and very believable). You make a hollaring dad, an interesting girl who seems to have something to say--and Jack (not your best).

2. You created some level of interest. I'm curious to see what happens next with Jack, this strange girl, her cat, and the old man.

3. Your grammar was good, basically, mostly...

4. I really like the cat

THINGS THAT COULD USE A SECOND LOOK

1. Character development. Jack was extremely flat as a character. He had no base emotions, besides boredom, but his boredom is a direct result of his non-action, which is boring.

2. Sentence structure. There was nothing poetic, prose-like about this story. There was nothing about it that made it a joy to read, eloquent. Reading books such as Lolita1 by Nabakov feel like thick liquid overwhelming that blood that rushes to your head as excitement, terror, loathing, shock, plot, and characters build. I didn't feel thick liquid when I read this. I didn't feel thin liquid. I didn't feel liquid at all, actually, which is too bad, because I love being impressed.

You need to phrase these sentences like you were writing a poem. Rhythmically, varying structure, flow, vocabulary, and foremost--with an intent. Because, leading to my third lemma (lemming ^_^)

3. Write with intent. What on earth are you trying to say with this? What does it mean? why should we care?

A couple of books you should read to get a good idea of the flow and cadence I am talking about:

1. Lolita--Nabakov
2. Pride and Prejudice--Austen

---you could even, if you choose not to write with poeticism, go for---

3. Smack--Burgess (the master of modern not-so-good-oh-so-effing-good writing)

anyway, good luck, mate, and cheers.

Young Writers Society

Sponsors

About / Info

Forums & RPG

Literary

Resources