Young Writers Society

How do i delete ?

Oh dear, i've just realised how many times i used the word started in that second/third paragraph.

sarahcrosbeh wrote:Yesterday we lay together, in a field near his house. The sun shone down brightly, bringing out all the shades of green in the grass; each blade shimmering as the breeze blew past it. I had liked him for ages. He could make me smile and burst out laughing in a second, but then again he could just as easily make me burst into tears.

We weren’t alone in the field, but it seemed like it. When there was an argument he took my side, even if he knew he shouldn’t. When he saw goose bumps on my arms, he forced a jacket on me even if I said I wasn’t cold. I thought I looked better in my t-shirt and I was trying my best to look good in front of him.

The sky soon started to darken and the warm summer breeze started to turn cold. The others started to stand up - brush off the grass stuck to their jeans -and say they should be getting home. I started to get up and collect my belongings. I stumbled, as I felt a thud on my leg. I think this kick was his typical ‘boyish’ attempt to get my attention. It worked and I turned around with an indifferent look across my face, trying not to look too happy with myself.

Okay, I liked this story 'cause the plot was reall good. The girl who likes the guy... only to find out he likes her friend. But... And yes, I have used that word... You did use too many "Started's" in your third paragraph. I told you this already though, so nevermind.

Sometimes, your punctuation is a bit weird and you could revise the use of your colons and semi-colons. Just an idea.

You second paragraph is a bit.. how can I say.. listy? The sentences end sometimes abruptly, giving the impression that it's just a list of events. Maybe read through it, and you might see what I mean.

I liked how you described the different shades of grass though, I thought that was very clever and also, the mention of a boyish way to get attention. I liked that too 'cause people always say that boys have a strange way of showing they like someone. I liked how when he started to ask her something... inside she was bubbling with excitement and it's like.. SAY IT.. SAY YOU LOVE ME!! It gave me the impression of a stalked... XD But I liked it.

Also, when you said, you could probably see her smile a mile away, I imagined a person with a ginormous mouth.. Like Emma or Sherie Blair. So that added som much needed comedy. which some romances don't have.

All in all.. This is super.

*claps*

Very nice, Sarah! I quite enjoyed this. Your imagery wasn't too sappy. It felt real. It reminded me of guy friends I've had.

One thing that bugged me:

sarahcrosbeh wrote: He could make me smile and burst out laughing in a second, but then again he could just as easily make me burst into tears.

You use "burst" twice. I would say change "burst out laughing" to something else. I'm used to hearing "bust" out laughing, so it sounds kind of funny.

Also, did the guy make the "who will I talk to?" comment to get her to stay? If so, I think he should have asked her directly. Just my opinion though. Over all, I quite liked this. Kudos, dear.

(P.S. Why that title?)

Eh... It was good. I'm not too much of a fun of these stories unless they've got more going on than the actual romance, but this was good. Even if I felt that I've read it a dozen times before, you don't take too much time trying to fill us in. Here's a boy. You like the boy. That was refreshing, and you summed up your devotion to him in just a few sentences. But it got a little too cheesy at the end. With the angsty 'how will I forgive him?' comments. I mean, it's also pretty hard not to side with the boy, with me being a man too. I mean, what really makes your story interesting is that the guy never really makes the narrator think he's into her. He's completely oblivious to the fact that she's taking certain comments of him (the "who will I talk to" comment) a certain way. You should've exploited it more. You should make him chuckle, and make him laugh, and be straighforward and a little less nervous. Don't worry about spoiling the surprise, because... seriously, most people are gonna see that coming. It'd be much more interesting, in my opinion, to make the story about misinterpretations, and spoiled friendships.

But it was your narration I had the most trouble with. Specially the "Say it…say it…say it. I love you" phrase. It just doesn't seem... It doesn't click well. It sounds... I don't know. It doesn't sound like it's well-written. I know you're trying to do your stream of conciousness whatever thing there, but sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't and putting it between dialogue can disrupt the flow. It would've been better to write something like "I imagined him saying the words I've been wanting to hear since forever. I fantasized about his lips coming closer to mine..." etc.

Anyways, nice little piece. OK story.

Basically everything what Icaruss said.

Plus, this sentence seems awkward:

Do you think Ellie (that girl you sit next to in art) would ever go out with me.

(By the way, you'll need a question mark for that. Check your story on Word for punctuation, grammar, whatnot.)

I never, if not rarely, hear parenthesis in dialogue. It just sounds....wrong. Very disturbing, even, because dialogue is meant to be spoken aloud. Parenthesis seem more of a thought, or an addition/clarification in a story. So, yeah.

--Serena.

I hate MS word sometimes. I spell checked it loads and it failed to pick up that question mark. [bangs head on table]

Yeah, my Word won't do any spellcheck or grammar correcting, and I've tried constantly to change it, but the only way it'll do that stuff is if i get a file from someone who has spellcheck/grammar and whatnot.

But a good thing you can do, for short stories, is read the story backwards. You can catch mistakes easily like that.

Thanks for that it's a good tip.

When you read it normally, you tend to miss really obvious mistakes.

My english teacher told me to write, then go watch tv or something, then come back and read it again to check for mistakes...but i still miss stuff.

Reading backwards could work well though.

x