Young Writers Society

Rule 2: Make a good first impression.


I walked into school the next morning with a bounce in my step and a large smile plastered on my face. As I walked towards my friends during registration my heart skipped a beat when I saw him sitting there with his perfectly amazing hair and black earphones in his ear as he nodded his head in tune with his music. I saw him talking to Ash and a spark of jealously ignited in my heart as well as the disappearance of my smile.

Ash was a natural, as well as gorgeous. When she had gotten here all the boys were after her. She had long blonde hair, when I say long, I mean, really long. And long curled eye lashes, she was thin, and had, I have to admit, had an amazing personality. I wasn’t surprised that she had already made herself friends with Matt.

I drew a deep breath and went up to them, all smiles.

“Hey Ash.” I said. I looked at Matt and gave him my best smile. “Hey Matt.” He smiled back.

“Hey Kris.” He nodded at me. He had a large smile, but that wasn’t where my eyes were. Oh my god his hair was just so freaking amazing. I felt like I would just die right there from the sexiness of it.

“What are you listening to?” I asked with a much drawn effort from my desires.

“Do you know what trance is?” He asked. Yuk! Trance?! I hate trance.

“Trance? You like trance?” I asked, unable to help myself.

“Yeah. Trance is awesome. Why? You don’t like trance?”

“Not really. Its just so boring and seems to just drone on forever.”

“No it isn’t!” He cried out. He faced me and now I knew I had his full attention. “Trance is the best and everything else is crap.” An argument on the first day? Not the type of conversation I would choose but it’s just as fun.

“That’s a load of bull.” I shot back. “Rock is better!”

“What? Rock are for emo’s and Goths.”

“Is not!” I argued. “Rock is the best and is not just for emo’s and Goths. It’s cause you haven’t listened to enough rock or perhaps the wrong ones.”

“No trust me, I have listened to enough rock.” He said. I glared at him, but I knew I was enjoying myself.

“Fine prove it.” I told him. “Show me some good Trance and I will show you even better rock.” I said as I placed my hands on my hips.

“Fine.” He took one ear phones out of his ears and handed it to me as he changed the song. I shoved it into my ear and waited. When he played the song I had to admit it was nice, but I wouldn’t tell him that. Then I looked at Ash and noticed she had left. I looked around at her and found her sitting with Mike and she gave me a sly smile when she saw me looking at her. She eyed me and him together and laughed. I laughed back and then looked at Matt.

“Do you like it?” he asked. I faked a look of thoughtfulness.

“Ah. It’s just ok.” I said as if bored.

“What?” he cried out as if I had just said the most ridiculous thing. “This song amazing. You know nothing.”

“You just have bad taste.” I teased. He pulled the plug from my ear.

“No more trance for you then.”

“Fine. I still think rock is better.”

“No. Trance is the best. If you say rock is better I’ll have your ass hanging on my wall.” He laughed.

“Excuse me! I like my ass where it is thank you very much!” I said stepping back.

The week went in that sort of a way. It was all small talk. I only got to talk to him during registration and I had to admit it was frustrating and it wasn’t getting me any closer to my goal and that’s when the first doubts popped up into my head. What if he was just too good for me? What if he didn’t even consider me? What are you saying Kirs?! Get a grip! I sat up and pushed the thoughts from my head. My English teacher was explaining descriptive writing like a droning robot. My paper lay blank on my desk. I was a good writer. My work almost always received A’s but at the moment the my mind was as empty as the paper. I put my head down on my desk and sighed. What do I do?

I had promised myself that I wouldn’t like him. Because I don’t. But by and by I felt like I was falling for him. But that couldn’t be true because I hardly know him. His personality I realized isn’t even that amazing. He’s just a cool person who is so marvelously, gorgeously, hot! I can’t just already like him, because I don’t. Because it’s just a game.

Yes, I'm back to comment on #2!

When she had gotten here, all the boys were after her. She had long blonde hair, when I say long, I mean, really long. And long curled eye lashes, she was thin, and had, I have to admit, had an amazing personality.

May I quote your sentences with some corrections? "She had long blonde hair - when I say long, I mean really long - and curled eyelashes. She was slim and had - I have to admit - an amazing personality" "Long" is repetitive for her hair and eyelashes. Either ommit it, or try using another adjective. Note that "eyelashes" is spelt without a space. "Thin", on the other hand, doesn't sound like a compliment. I replaced it with "slim". You use "had had" only when your story is in past tense AND she had that personality BEFORE the narrator mentioned it, but now, didn't. For example, I have black hair. Before this, my hair was blonde. For a story in past tense, you'd say I had black hair, but I had had blonde hair. Get it?

“Hey Kris.” He nodded at me. He had a large smile, but that wasn't where my eyes were. Oh my God, his hair was just so freaking amazing. I felt like I would just die right there from the sexiness of it.

The coma is just my opinion. Dying from the sexiness of someone's hair is a funny thought! I'm not someone who can easily laugh while reading stories, but, you can consider I laughed.

“Do you know what trance is?” He asked. Yuk! Trance?! I hated trance.

Watch the tenses! You did this same mistake in #1.

“What? Rock are for emo’s and Goths.”

Emos, not emo's. I also believe "goths" is spelt with a small "g", not capital.

“Is not!” I argued. “Rock is the best and is not just for emos and goths. It’s 'cause you haven’t listened to enough rock or perhaps the wrong ones.”

“No, trust me. I have listened to enough rock.” He said. I glared at him, but I knew I was enjoying myself.

“Fine, prove it,” I told him. “Show me some good Trance and I will show you even better rock,” I said as I placed my hands on my hips.

Note my suggestions for punctuation here. Also, unless your dialogue finishes at the end of the sentence, you have to end your dialogues with a coma, not a period. When you shorten a word like "because" to become "cause" you have to put an apostrophe before it.

“Fine,” He took one ear phones out of his ears and handed it to me as he changed the song. I shoved it into my ear and waited. When he played the song I had to admit it was nice, but I wouldn’t tell him that. Then I looked at Ash and noticed she had left. I looked around [s]at[/s]for her and found her sitting with Mike and she gave me a sly smile when she saw me looking at her. She eyed me and him together and laughed. I laughed back and then looked at Matt.

Well, one thing I thought here was I was wondering why wouldn't Matt make any reaction when Kris was interacting with Ash. You made it look like he didn't notice her at all. I'm sure Matt would be paying attention to Kris since Kris is holding his headphones and listening to the song. He must be looking out for her reaction to the song. Also, you have another long sentence here. I'd write like this: I looked around for her and found her sitting with Mike. She gave me a sly smile when she saw me looking at her. As she eyed me and Matt together, she laughed.

“Ah. It’s just ok,” I said as if I was bored.

You missed out a few words there. You don't have to follow how I corrected it, though.

“You just have bad taste,” I teased. He pulled the plug from my ear.

“No. Trance is the best. If you say rock is better I’ll have your ass hanging on my wall,” He laughed.

More examples on the coma after a dialogue.

The week went in that sort of [s]a [/s]way. It was all small talk. I only got to talk to him during registration and I had to admit it was frustrating and it wasn’t getting me any closer to my goal[s] and[/s]. That’s when the first doubts popped up into my head.

What are you saying Kris?! Get a grip!

Just a few mistakes I decided to point out.

Well, this chapter didn't have as much advancement as I'd like it to be. There was rather little action. However, the dialogue between Kris and Matt was kinda awkwardly cute! You tend to let sentences flow too much by joining them. I hope you get to manage to master your comas and periods. Hope I've been helpful!