I will admit it: strange, isn't it? But, uh...comments wouldn't go astray.
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"Jerry! Liz!" one of the friends called loudly. As the door slammed, the two people waited for an answer.
"JERRY! LIZ!" she called again, bending her ear toward the hallway. Her friend rolled her eyes.
"Where are the lights?" Stacey asked, still bent toward the hall.
Amalia sighed and turned on the lights. Stacey's mouth opened spherically and then curved into a goofy smile. "Oh!" she sighed, tapping her head as punishment.
Amalia rolled her eyes a second time. "When did you say they were going to the movies?"
"I think they said five, but... it could have been earlier."
"Hmm. We'll just say it's earlier and write them a note."
"Okay," Stacey bounced a little while Amalia waited for her to stop. She bounced for almost two minutes.
"STOP fucking bouncing! We need to find paper and something to write with!"
Stacey gave a last jump, then pointed at Jerry's desk in the large livingroom, "Maybe there's something in there!"
Amalia bit her lips together and walked over to it calmly, "Maybe there is." she said in a light tone. Stacey grinned and hopped over (literally).
"Well, I found a pen...Jesus, Jerry's like a teething baby--look at this! Fucking ink'll go on my hand when I write!"
"Ew! There's holes everywhere! You write it, Amie, you write it!" Stacey tossed the pen to her, disgusted. Amalia searched for paper, finding only a used one with the strangest markings she'd ever seen.
"Good Lord, look at this." she held it up.
"Ugh, are those stick figures?" Stacey asked, squinting.
"Bad ones. and look at that...HA...just shows you how smart Jerry is."
"Oh, that's mean! He wrote it on a fat girl! I like the girl and the boy, though...and the tall one right there!" she pointed to the long-haired one at the top.
Amalia thought for a second. "Molly, Shauna, and SD, huh? Well..." she began to write. Stacey watched attentively as two figures molded onto the scene. Both were tall, female, and no-nonsense: Amy and Stella. They're mad, bad, and super-tanned due to extensive appointments at a place people knew as the Beach.
As Stick Dude and Shauna are busy with their doings, Stella helps Molly up and guides her over to a plotting Amy, who wants revenge on Stick Dude for being such a horrible person.
Suddenly, Stick Fairy comes by (in fabulous stilettos and pristine gold curls), and takes them over to the Stick salon, where Molly loses all her horrible weight before she gets arrested (because being fat is a crime in the Stick World, otherwise known as the Paper), and turns into a beautiful career woman working for the great Dom Roddenburgh.
"Wait!" Amalia says suddenly, interrupting as Stacey makes Molly's hair grow prettier than that slut Shauna's.
"What?"
Amalia's eyes sparkle as she says, "She's got to be just like us!"
Stacey smiles, eyes just as wide, "Oh!"
Molly also becomes a ball-busting bitch with goddess-like complexion in addition to earning her Harvard medical degree in a record two hours. They both nod their heads, and decide her name must be changed, since Molly's such a wussy name.
“Molly?” Stick Dude, now known as the slime ball, asks her, incredulous at her transformation. Shauna taps his shoulder, but he swats it away, stunned by Molly’s beauty. "Molly" shakes her gorgeous head.
“It’s Mariah now,” she says gracefully. Stick Dude is struck with love and asks her to marry him on the spot. Shauna’s jaw literally drops (Stacey draws a mouth on the ground as a Stick guy proposes with a jumbo ring), but he doesn’t care anymore, since he’s seen past her façade and noticed how cold and ugly she is on the inside.
“Like Mansfield Park!” Stacey exclaims, jumping up and down, but Amalia pulls her back down.
“Stop! We need to make him pay!” she snarls.
Mariah says no, but decides to give him a job in the mailroom so he’ll be useful.
He agrees, quitting his job at Apple just so he can be near her. As Mariah changes the world, becoming more famous than Oprah, Shauna tries to get with Gary, a super agent from Hollywood who’s perfect, but he dumps her to be with Mariah, who realizes at first sight that he’s her soul mate and fires Stick Dude, who’s devastated and gets fatter than “Molly” ever got and sits on the bus stop every day, where it rains because the Paper doesn’t like fat people. The bus stop is right next to one of the many buildings that Mariah’s international company owns, and Stick Dude hopes to catch a glimpse of her just once because she’s the only good thing he ever had, but Mariah and Gary move to his rich seaside house in Italy and have perfect beautiful children and never grow old. It’s a gift to them for being modern-day saints (well, Mariah, at least, because all men are dogs), while they travel the world and make it the most kick-ass place in the universe.
Mariah becomes the first woman to win a Nobel Prize for Everything, the Pulitzer, the Academy Award for Best Actress and Director, Emmys, Tonys, and all the awards in the world, all before the age of thirty. She also wins the election for the first female President, but gives the honor to her almost-as-perfect daughter, and decides to stay in Italy, performing emergency world-class surgeries in the morning, donating to charity with her endless amount of money at lunch, and being the perfect mother and lover at night. She also becomes best friends with Amy and Stella, and gives them some of her countless money, making them rich and able to run their very succesful fashion business and marry Matt Damon and Wentworth Miller.
She and Gary live happily ever after, and Shauna and Stick Dude don’t, which is what happens when you realize you deserve more than the loser who only sees surfaces, because that’s a REAL happy ending.
“Yes!” Amie and Stacey high-five each other, stapling the papers they use together and write FABULOUS! on the top.
“That should teach Jerry to watch himself the next time he demeans a woman!” Stacey declares.
“No! Not women, ladies,” Amie corrects her, then tosses her hair, “Let’s go. I want to go see Superbad before it gets late."
"Yeah!" Stacey says, then gets serious, "But men are shits."
"Totally," Amie and Stacey walk out, leaving the stapled papers on the desk, with no note about their reason for visiting.
***
Women. We never are satified, are we?
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