Young Writers Society

Hey Sol. Okie-dokie, I really enjoyed your story. It had a great idea going and I love the whole best friends falling for each other. It's great and you really made it good with the habits the characters have with one another. So your plot was good. Very well thought out.

For your characters, I think that you need to add more to them. At this point I'm not feeling them. I'm not feeling their emotions and their passion. From the point of view of the reader, we need to be able to actually see the characters as real people.

I don't have time to get into grammar right now, but overall it seemed fine.

Best of luck, Sol! Sorry this was such a short review.

Cheers, Luxe

this is really good! =] .i love the phone conversation and the letter! . ,i know George was the sender but when i was finally revealed, i still love it! (a lot!!) it made me smile

Hey, Sol! Sorry that I just finished reading this tonight. >.< Congratulations on the featured work by the way! Your works keep on getting featured! I envy you! lol

Nitpicks:

Yes, sometimes the truth hurts. Sometimes it doesn't. And sometimes, you don't quite know.

- I think this is a pretty boring and cliché opening. It made me just read this fast. Sorry. >.< But the other side of me thinks that this is pretty nice and catchy. o.o (Bah! I'm confusing. lol)

He called me that day, and, even though we hadn't seen each other in a while, we still talk on the phone or over the Internet.

- I don't think there has to be a comma after 'and'
- Also, I'm not completely sure if I should mention the tense change - 'talk' - 'cause you started the story in present tense.
- Anyway, this opening paragraph is really interesting. ^_^

"Eh... yeah, George..."

- I think I already said this before but there shouldn't be a space after an ellipsis as far as I know. o.o

"Or... are you scared now?"

- Same with this

"...Like waves on the seashore, things come and go."

- Wow. How poetic. xD

But I ignored him and kept on talking...

- Why is there a big space before this paragraph? o.o

Rude as he has always been,

- There is a tense change here: 'has'

"And you better get use to it because you're only eighteen!"

- Correction: 'get used'

I looked to the apartment's ceiling,

- I think it's better to say 'looked at'.

I heard someone calling my name. "You have mail, Lyria!" my eight year old brother said, as he handed it to me.

- That was rather quick. He was just calling her. But then, the next thing I knew, he was already handing the mail to her. You didn't tell us that he was coming to her. I think it's important too.

...I finally admitted gravity had humiliate me...

- Correction: 'humiliated'


Nice story, Sol. It was sweet. And I have to say that you're getting better and better at story writing! I remember the first time you asked me to read and review a story of yours. Anyway, the other reviewers have probably already mentioned what I nitpicked and what I'm going to say. I didn't read their reviews so please forgive me if I repeated anything. On with the review: What this story lacked is enough character description, I think. I hardly have any idea of what they looked like. >.< But I think you gave enough description on everything else. That is for me though. I just hoped this story could have been a little longer. The sweetness was a little short-lived and I just wanted to see more! xD

Never stop writing!

Love love love love love love this it is super sweet and cute and educational wow amazing you wrapped all that into one short story. I have already read some of your other pieces and I really like your writing I'm gonna follow you:)